The "Fight" Is On

TDH and I often talk tough to each other. Since he's got some considerable size over me, he gets a real kick out of how I always claim to be able to "take him" should the two of us ever have a fight. And by "fight" we both mean more along the lines of a wrestling match, the likes of which will lead to some ramped up sex. We've talked about having this fight for ages, but so far have never had enough time to actually have it. That's probably because when we are alone together, we jump right into the sex :)
Ah well, the following is a conversation we had via text this morning:

I want to have a physical fight with you...
Oh yeah? Too bad I'd totally own you ;)
You would not! I'm tough! But it would be fun...
It would be fun! But honestly, you're fiesty and all, but you're little...I will so own you :) You'll be all squirmy, but that's about it...
Size isn't always the most important thing though, grasshopper. I'd at least like the chance to try!
A chance you will get, little one :)
You're such a big talker - I'd cause trouble though.
Maybe, but if things are not going well I'll just pick you up, sling you over my shoulder, and walk. Not much you can do up there...
LOL! It's on baby! Keep teasing me like that you'll get a fight for sure!
You mean a mini Katiecat squirm? ;)
You just keep it up mister, I'll surprise you yet! I can kick your ass...
Yeah maybe, but the problem with kicking is that you have to be right-side up, and on the ground, lol.
I'm not worried - I'll just never let myself get in a position where you can pick me up like that.
I'll just grab your arm, pull you close, bear hug you, and flip you upside down. Easy!
Oh, like it's just that easy!
Actually, it kind of is...
Oh, whatever TDH, you'll see!
So will you...and the world will look upside down to you :)

Would anyone not want to fight with this man?

No Smoke Break For Me, But a Sex Break is Fine

Last Friday TDH had the day off.

I knew he was home alone working in his garage, and that he would probably be looking all types of sexy-man-working-on-macho-rough-guy-type-things gorgeous, so naturally I began the morning thinking about him. As on most days, he had talked to me on my drive to work, then had continued to text me throughout the morning.

As was to be expected, by lunch I was turned on beyond all rational thought, and was trying to think of ways to be able to see him.

You should know, I work halfway across the city from where he lives, which is no quick drive, even without rush hour.

Around 1 o'clock he texted that he was going inside to take a quick shower and then was planning on tidying up the house before starting to make dinner. He made mention of the fact that he was wishing I was there, and that he would love to walk out of the bathroom and see me on his bed.

I restrained myself from jumping in my car and heading over there - I had work to do.

But then when he texted a while later, saying that his shower was done and that he was wearing this certain t-shirt that I love, I couldn't resist anymore. I grabbed my keys and purse, jumped in the elevator, got in my car, and drove like a woman possessed for his house - but I didn't tell him I was coming.

About 3 minutes before I got there I sent him a quick text saying "Too bad I couldn't come over to distract you for a quick break, I miss your lips." He texted back with "Where are you?!?!" I gave him his answer about 2 minutes later when I knocked on his door.

He opened the door, bust into a huge grin, said "hi", shut the door behind me, and I tackled him. Kissing, groping, arms around his neck, wanting to undo his jeans but telling myself that I didn't have time for anything besides a quick kiss. But if wasn't long before he had me pinned up against the wall, my pants undone, one leg up and on his hip, and I was undoing his belt.

He pulled me over to the couch, demanded "Get your panties off!" to which I happily obliged, and then he pushed me down and slid himself into me. After several moments of us moving together, him kissing me, and biting his way up and down my legs, he was telling me he was going to cum, but as soon as he said it I hissed "Don't you dare!" and pushed him off me.

I made him sit on the couch, then straddled him, lowering myself down onto his cock, while he let his head fall back and let out a long, low "Fuuuuuuuuuuuck Kate."

Riding him like that is my absolute favorite position, and I was screaming with an orgasm in record-time. A moment later he bit his lip, then thrust so hard that he pushed me up off the couch, and I was balanced on his cock, my legs hanging over his hips.

His orgasm lasted almost an entire minute, him shuddering and holding me tighter and tighter. I love when he finishes like that. The more we have sex, the more intense his orgasms become, lasting a little longer each time. He tells me he has never finished with his wife that way - and I take great happiness and accomplishment in that.

After a quick clean-up I was back at his front door, where he bent down to my face and thanked me for making him take a break. A soft kiss and a big hug later I was back on the city streets, hauling my ass back to work.

When I walked in, no one said anything or asked where I was.

That won't be the last time for a visit like that :)

To Steal a Lyric From Madonna...

...I fall deeper and deeper the further I go.

For all of you that have been where I am, and knew better, I guess I've learned my lesson. TDH and I are back in the thick of things - why didn't I listen to all you smart people? LOL.

So we decided to call it quits at the beginning of March. I think that lasted about a month? Somewhere around there? I don't even remember.

We were doing pretty well, seeing each other once or twice a week, always in a public place, so that we'd have to at least try and behave. Nothing physical happened during that time, besides the hug we would always give each other when we were saying goodbye.

Then one afternoon he called me spur of the moment and said he was going to be in my part of the city, and could I meet for coffee? It just so happened that I had a couple hours free that afternoon, so I jumped in my car and headed to meet him. We spent nearly two hours grinning at each other, flirting, talking about anything and everything, then headed out to our respective cars to head home. Just when I was turning to hug goodbye, he asked if he could jump in my car with me for a moment, so we could get out of the snow. I said sure, and we jumped in where I cranked the heat.

He asked me to give him a hug, which I did. Then we chit-chatted for a moment, then he asked for another hug - this time he held me a little longer, and I could feel his face turn to bury his nose in my hair, and inhale my perfume. I pulled away and said "Hey! You're not supposed to be doing that!" in a mock-scolding voice. He told me he knew that, and that he was sorry. And then I reminded him that it was him who always decided what we were doing was wrong, not me, and that I was just trying to help him stick to his decision.

He grinned at me, and we started talking again. Soon he said he had to go, and leaned forward to hug me one more time. But instead, he took my face in his hands, pulled me close to him, and gave me the softest, most knee-buckling kiss I've ever received. When he pulled away, he said "Thanks for coming to meet me! You should call me once I'm in my car."

Would you believe that I was actually sitting there with my mouth open? I thought that kind of shock only happened in the movies, but I literally couldn't do anything but stare after him. It took me a couple minutes to blink, close my mouth, and realize that it was time to drive home.

I vaguely remember calling him and asking what the hell that had been about, when he said "I don't know. I was just sitting across from you today, and wondering how one person could be so beautiful, and I just couldn't help myself."

Well. Alright then.

That one kiss led to a tirade of dirty pictures being send back and forth, but past that, and the occasional kiss or quick cop-a-feel, we didn't physically go any farther.

We had more than one conversation in person and over messenger where I asked him if he knew what he was doing. I repeatedly asked him if I decided to cut him from my life, if he'd be able to get over me. I know him, and I know that it's only a matter of time before his guilt starts to bother him again, and then things will get weird, and then I'll be sad...you know, that old vicious circle. I just keep thinking, maybe if we cut if off completely, he'll be able to move on, and I can quit being the cause of so much of his stress.

But I finally quit suggesting it after every time I brought it up I was met with panic and pleading and confessions that no matter how much I cut myself off from him, he would still be in love with me.

I must say though, this time around things seem to be better. I'm trying to be more relaxed about it all. We've all but cut out our "I love you's", as they've been replaced with "I like you's", which, to both of us, means love anyways. We once had a conversation about the whole like/love topic, and we both decided that while you may love people, you don't necessarily have to love them, so that when you say like, you mean much more. Our convoluted thought process is fucked, what can I say?

We've had a discussion about him talking about his wife, and though I said that I'll listen when he feels the need to talk about her - as I talk about SH once in a while - sometimes I'm just not up for it.

It's funny - maybe that break was what we needed. Since we've had it, he seems to be the one who can't get enough, who misses me almost instantly, who impatiently waits for me to call him every day, who is always wanting more, more, more. And I do feel that way, I'm just trying to keep it more reigned in this time - it makes a girl feel good to be wanted :)

My First Hate Comment

In regards to my last post...

Wow. How much bullshit is this blog???? A lot!

Aside from YOU, who would possibly empathize with you? You are most unlikeable and your story doesn't ring true. That's why there's no new entries---and who would believe your past entries anyway?

I was late in joining your blog---I followed the herd of those not getting laid, who will cling to the story of anyone, such as yourself. Sad all around.

I hope you get caught.

Sigh.

Just out of curiosity "TippyToes," if you think I've made up all my past posts, how, pray tell, would I be able to get caught?

Yeah. Smooth move.

If I made it all up, there's no one to catch me.

But I will address something you've said - there have been no new posts. Agreed. My reason for that is that I've fallen back into the relationship with TDH, and had no idea how to write about it. Even though most people would be totally within their rights to say "Told you so!", I didn't really want to hear it.

So there you have it. The affair is back on. I'll be back soon with details.

And just as a side note, I've never made up one single detail on this blog - what would be the point? No one knows me anyway, so what would I have to gain?

How Do I Get Myself INTO These Situations?

Oh right - by flirting.

Fuckity.

As if the TDH situation isn't enough of a challenge for me, I seem to have gotten myself into another mess. A really doozy.

Allow me to set the stage: I work in a very male-populated industry. It does me well to lay on the female charm with some of my clients (and no, I'm not some sort of escort - I work in a big office building downtown, for a great big company), and thus far, it's always gotten me what I needed. I win people over, close deals, and use my soft, giggly voice to smooth things over on the phone.

Alright, so I've got this one client - about 52, the CEO of his company, married, halfway across the country, loves to flirt back, is intelligent, and funny. Essentially, if I was about 17 years older, he'd be quite the catch.

I've been dealing with him for about 4 years now, and though we work well together, and always get things done, our emails back and forth to each other have always been somewhat flirtatious. About a year ago, I had to send him some files when we were both at home, so we inadvertently exchanged personal email addresses. He emailed me out of the blue one day, asking if that was okay, and I said it was fine.

Since then we've exchanged the occasional personal email, never overly flirty, until about 3 months ago, when he sent me a drunken message. In this email he began telling me how he thinks about me sometimes and how he loves the sexy glint in my eye in the one picture I had sent him of DD and I right after she was born. It wasn't anything too far, but still, I didn't know how to respond, so I didn't.

Fast forward to 2 weeks ago. He emails again, asking how I've been, and apologizing for his previous email. I write back, tell him it's great to hear from him, and that I'm a big girl and I can handle it, but that I was surprised for all of that to come to light. I mean, we had just been flirting all these years, after all.

He writes back. Whoa. He listed everything he loved about me, said that even though it didn't start with a physical attraction, he definitely has a thing for me. He loves my laugh, the sound of my voice, the way he can hear me smiling on the other end of the phone, how I love to banter with him in emails, how I'm so smart, and my sense of humour...and then says that he thinks about the day we'll meet. (It's inevitable really, because he sometimes has business here.) He wants to take me out to some incredible restaurant...and that even though he knows we're both married, he can't help but think about what he wants to happen after dinner...

(Those were all his words, by the way.)

THEN he says that he's flying to Vancouver in May, and just for the sake of conversation, what would I do if he sent me a plane ticket to meet him there?!?

Oh.My.God.

So, I panicked, and emailed him back trying to gently tell him that while I was incredibly flattered at his email, I thought he was crazy. I said that I enjoyed our messages, and that he was fun...but we had better rein things in a little. And I said that though I'm sure Vancouver would be fun, I thought it best not to risk any trouble we may get into.

I was trying to let him down, without letting him down.

That failed. Epically.

He sent me another email where he had taken everything I'd said and turned it around to make it sound like I would love to meet up with him, and it seemed as though we were "on the same page" with what we wanted.

Um...what?

So now, I'm sitting here with this open reply box, which I've been looking at for two days, unsure of exactly what to write. Obviously I need to clear things up quickly, but I do love to work with him, and I would hate to jeopardize the relationship we have...oooooh Kate, this is a delicate line.

I Want

I want to feel small to you, so that I have to look up to see your face, and that when you want to hug me properly you almost have to stoop. I want you to have to tilt my face up to you for a kiss, while you bend your head down to reach my lips.

I want you to have large, strong hands. I don't care if they're rough to the touch, because I know that when I feel them dance across my skin, they will turn silken and smooth.

When I'm tired, or scared, I want to bury my face in your chest and feel your arms envelope me. I want to feel safe there, as if you would never let anything hurt me.

I want you to kiss me like my breath is the only thing keeping you alive. Like you need me to breathe; like I'm your lifeline.

I want you to get lost in my eyes, with an intensity that makes me want to look away, but not be able to. Like if you look harder, you can find everything you ever wanted in the windows to my soul.

I want you to play with me, tease me, wrestle me, tickle me. I want to put up a fight, but have you pin me down, so that I know you're in control, and to finally succumb to you.

I want you to pick my brain, make me laugh, make me think, make me work. Devour me, so that you know me inside and out.

I want you to feast upon my flesh and my mind alike, but have it never quite be enough.

Be insatiable. Like I am for you.

And I Thought I Was Ballsy

By way of lightening the mood around here, I've decided to write about something that both flattered me, and gave me a really good giggle when I needed it.

SH and I had made plans one Friday night to meet for dinner after work. We picked a place downtown, so I wouldn't have to drive too far, and he decided to get there a little before me to ensure we got in.

When I got there, my husband stood up to greet me by giving me a light peck on the cheek. He took my coat, and our waiter - cute, about 25 - helped me into my seat. I was dressed up since I'd just come from work, and I noticed our waiter checking out my heels. I smiled, thinking how nice it was for him to notice something like that, and didn't think anything of it.

He left us alone to look over the menus, and we made chit chat while we decided what to eat. After he decided what he was having, my husband excused himself to go to the restroom to wash his hands before dinner. I, apparently being a dirty girl, stayed at the table and ordered myself a drink.

So our waiter came over to deliver my drink, and I thanked him and flashed a smile. And he stood there. So I took a sip, said "Mmm, heavenly", and waited for him to go. He continued to stand there.

You've got a great laugh.
Oh? (laughing) Thanks!
Yeah, I heard you while I was getting your drink. It's infectious.
(I keep laughing, thinking I must have been really loud)
So...I realize this is kind of inappropriate...
(I stop laughing and look at him)
But would you like to maybe go for a drink sometime?
Wha...um...what?
Yeah, just...sometime...
Um, well actually...

Then my husband walked over to the table, and the waiter took off. I figured that was the end of it.

"How's your drink?" my husband asked.
"Good! You know what just happened? The waiter..."

And then his cell phone rang. He checked the call display, it was his brother, so he looked at me, and I nodded for him to take it. (I have a real hate on for people that answer their cell during dinner, especially when they're in a restaurant.)

He headed out to the lobby, and I could see him leaning against a wall, talking.

I cast my eyes back to my drink.

Hi!
(The waiter was standing beside me again)
Oh, hi!
How's your drink?
It's great, thanks!
I apologize for earlier...
Oh, that's okay, no problem.
(I smile at him)
So what do you think? Can we get together for drinks?
Well, you know, I'm actually married....
You are?! To the guy you're here with?
Yeah, that's my husband.
Holy, I'm sorry.
Oh (laughing again) it's not a big deal. I'm flattered. Thank you.
Oh man, I feel so bad...
Really, don't worry about it!
Okay...
(I keep waiting for him to walk away)
...well, if you change your mind, I always work Friday nights.

Wow. Talk about balls.

When my husband came back to the table he was cranky about something his brother had said, so I just sat back with my drink, let him vent, and giggled to myself every time our waiter came to the table and winked at me.

I'm In the Midst of a Whole New Problem

For the last two weeks, I've been struggling with something. Something that seems to be slowly overtaking me, so that I'm having trouble focusing on anything else. It's not bad, necessarily, but it makes it difficult to go about everyday life.

It seems that I can't turn myself off. Sexually.

Laugh if you must (I totally would if I was reading this), but I am being absolutely serious.

I've always been a sexual person; never turning it down, never shying away, always up to try things, pretty much wanting it all the time...but these days, I can't turn it off! I am literally so turned on all the time, that it's hard doing everyday things.

Yesterday afternoon, for example, I took my daughter out for a ride in her stroller, and while I was walking I became acutely aware of the way my levi's were rubbing between my legs. After watching a movie last night that had a fairly forgettable sex scene, I was aching for someones hands on me. This morning while I had a shower, before I knew what was happening I was slipping my fingers down my stomach...and each time I get turned on like that, I have to take care of business.

It's funny that Button should have mentioned this last week, because it's happened about three times in the past week, without me even trying! It happened for the first time about a year ago, with a great deal of focus and concentration on my part. But since then, each time it happens seems to be a little easier, and now, apparently, it just happens at will.

I don't know if it's happening more now because I'm not having sex with TDH anymore, so my body is trying to compensate, or what. My poor husband has been jumped far more than he would normally be ready for, but still nothing seems to satiate me. The instant we're done, I want more.

I go to get groceries, I want more. I'm working, I want more. I'm talking to someone on the phone, I want more. It's never ending! And frankly, it's starting to get exhausting. Believe me, I love to be turned on, but it seems my husband, and me doing it myself, just aren't cutting it.

The only thing I can think of to possibly cure me, is a marathon fuck-fest. Perhaps to the point where I'm having trouble walking. But when your husband can't (or isn't willing to give you what you want), and you're no longer on fuck terms with your lover, what's a girl to do?

So What Do I Do Now?

Over the past week I've been struggling with what to write. Do I do another update of the TDH situation? Do I post more stories of our affair in happier times? Do I write about what I want someone to do to me? How I feel the need to be ravaged? Do I continue posting at all?

It's odd. When I started this blog I had so much to say - it all came tumbling out in this mixed up, crazy flood of information. Barely any rhyme or reason, just things I had to get out. And now? I still have so much to say, just not entirely sure how to say it, I suppose. But I think I'll stick around. I just need to figure out how I want to fit in now, and how Kate is going to stage her "comeback" so to speak :)

For today though? Just a random list of snippets, to keep you up to speed.

1. I've gone back to bare kitty. In fact, I did it a couple days before the affair ended. And this is how I'm going to stay; silky smooth.

2. The comments on my last post were much appreciated. I know it probably isn't *completely* over, but I'm trying.

3. I realize I'm probably delusional to keep thinking we can remain friends, but he's one of my best. I love him.

4. That being said, we've seen each other about 3 times over the past week, and so far it's all been talk - talk about dirty things, and love without actually saying love.

5. All the dirty talk has been from him. He's also the one who keeps finding ways for us to touch.

6. Yesterday we were alone in a car, on the highway, for two hours. I kept my hands to myself, and he kept reaching out to touch a "hot zone" on my thigh.

7. Does anyone else think that maybe it's him that's not ready to let go?

8. I apologize for my lack of commenting on other blogs lately. Bad Kate! I'll be better, I promise.

The Week and a Half Update

*This post is erratic, and a bit sloppy. There are also little snippets of conversations everywhere. I apologize, but there are thoughts and feelings whipping around my brain at breakneck speed.

Since the first couple days, where we texted back and forth, and talked on the phone a couple times, we've been fairly quiet towards each other. Quiet, I suppose, compared to the literal 100 or so texts we would send each other every day while we were still having the affair. Our texts and phone calls have been innocent, just regular chit-chat.

Then yesterday he sent me a dirty text, right out of the blue. I played innocent, answering back to what he asked, and he came back with "You are far from innocent missy!" I texted back saying I had no idea what he was talking about, and didn't give anything more. Twenty minutes later he texted me again, "What are you wearing?"

Oh boy. I was working from home yesterday. Thus, wasn't wearing much. I texted him back "pink lace tank, and white panties with pink lace around the legs," which was the truth. His response? "Innocent my ass!!! Is the tank new? Damn...I wish I could see you in it..."

So these texts went back and forth, me never saying anything particularly dirty, but him going a bit wild with the vision of what I was wearing. My only slip was when he said "Nothing makes a board meeting better than sitting here thinking about someone, and of the way their pussy feels," and I responded with "Well as long as mine enters your stream of consciousness every once in a while..."

He responded, "You know I'm only thinking of you, you're the one that I want."

Goddammitmotherfucker.

This morning I sent him a quick message, asking if he wanted to get together for coffee after work. He responded that he would love to, but it would have to be quick, since he was picking up his kid from daycare.

I got to the coffee place before him, and sent him a message telling him I was at a table, and had gotten him his usual. Of course he would have to pick a place where it seems every construction worker in the city congregates. This coffee shop is always crawling with tradesmen, and as I looked around, I realized that every table was full, and I was one of only two women in there. I sent him a quick message "Hurry your ass up! I'm getting eye fucked by half the people in here!"

Two minutes later he pulled up, and as I watched him walk from his car, I caught my breath. I hadn't realized how much I missed him. He strolled in with a grin on his gorgeous face, and I found myself grinning back like a little girl.

He sat down and we immediately started talking, about his day, about mine, about our kids. It came easily, effortlessly, as things between us always have. It wasn't awkward, or uncomfortable, but natural. When we finally stopped talking for a moment, I looked up from my coffee to find him staring at me. It was that stare that looks past my eyes, right into my soul, that sucks the breath from my body, and would have made my legs weak if I'd been standing up. "You look good, Kate, really good. Gorgeous even."

I blushed immediately, and thanked him. He looked around at all the guys seated around us, "No wonder you got eye fucked," he laughed. At one point he reached out and ran his finger down my arm, and it was all I could do not to shiver noticeably. It went on like that, us being happy and natural, till all too soon he said he had to leave to get to daycare.

As we walked out to our cars, he stopped and said "Come give me a hug." I turned towards him, and he enveloped me in his arms. As I was breathing him in, he told me I smelled amazing, and then asked if I had gotten smaller. He has always teased me about being short, but today he really did seem absolutely enormous. Finally he let me go, and asked me to call him once I got in my car.

As soon as I was driving, I called him. Again, we fell effortlessly into conversation, talking about our plans for the weekend, and the next week. Finally he said "I'm really glad you asked me to meet you Kate." To which I said "You know I always want to hang out with you, but you're so busy all the time, I hate for you to waste time with me." He answered back sternly "My time is never wasted with you! You know that! Just seeing you makes me happy, brings me back to earth - when I'm with you I don't think about anything else. I don't stress or worry about anything. All I think about is you."

Then I switched the conversation to what I was doing, since I had stopped at a mall, so I could browse while I was talking to him. He asked what I was looking at (clothes), and kept telling me to go try things on, and take pictures to send him. When I listed the colors of a particular shirt that I was looking at, he told me which color to pick, because he had always thought I looked pretty in this, or in that. He encouraged me to buy the sundress I was looking at, since he knew it would show my shoulders, which he loves.

Then he said "Hey, aren't you going to be alone this weekend? Why don't you take some pictures for me?" I thought about that for a moment, then said "What kind of pictures?" He said "Just you, in your new clothes, or...whatever." I could hear him grinning on the other end of the phone. "Well really, I can't send you anything dirty, since we're done being bad..." His response was too perfect "Well, just think, if I was to see you on a beach, I'd be seeing a lot of skin. So you can show me that much skin...and well, if you happen to have a sexy smile, or maybe you're laying in such a way that I can see a little more....then so be it!" "We'll see," I told him.

Then we slipped back into casual conversation, before he suddenly said "I didn't realize how much I missed you until I saw your face. I miss you a lot. When I walked in, and saw you...it hit me." "I know..." I whispered back, "I miss you too."

And I do miss him, immensely, but ending the affair was still the right thing to do. I can honestly say that I don't regret it, and that I haven't cried or been distraught since we decided it was done. How that is possible, I have no idea. My only guess is that it had become so complicated, and so messy, that it was a relief to say it was over.

Am I still in love with him? Oh god, yes.

Do I still want him? Oooh, yes.

Would I let it get physical again? I'm leaving that purely up to him. I won't be the one to instigate it though.

So for now, it's still over. I don't know if it will last or not. But for now at least, we're both happy, which is what we want for each other. We'll keep flirting, and joking, and seeing each other, but beyond talking about how we feel? I honestly don't know.

And As Quickly As It Began, It Was Over

I've been gone for nearly a month, so let's back up the truck a bit.

When I wrote that last post, about how confused I was, and how it was glaringly obvious that TDH was in the same boat, I was actually teetering on the edge between wanting the affair to be over, and desperately trying to hold on to it. I had begun to remove myself from the situation a little, and try to see it in it's entirety, instead of just the little part I was trying to hold on to. Once I did that, I realized that I didn't like what I was seeing.

I'm a confident person. Not arrogant or high on myself, but sure of myself, my abilities, and my mindset. When I pulled back from the affair a little, I realized that I was losing myself in it. I was becoming timid, and unsure, and clinging to something that just wasn't meant to be.

And crazy as it may seem, someone that I've just "met" really put it into perspective for me when in an email, he said: You deserve better. Think about why you started seeing him in the first place--he was giving you what you needed. Ask yourself: is he still?

The answer was no. He wasn't, and therefore neither was the affair.

There are two reasons I was holding on to something that in my heart of hearts, I knew was doomed - I love him, and I was scared that ending the affair would mean I would lose him completely. Because beyond our affair, we were great friends, and still were - and that was just something I wasn't willing to risk.

Two weeks ago he sent me a text - it said "We need to talk. Face to face." I didn't panic or cry, I just said that sounded like a good idea to me, and when could we get together? Turns out we couldn't see each other in person for about 5 days. So I went to meet up with him feeling a little nervous, but oddly content, because I knew that soon it would be over.

As a side note - how bizarre is that? Being happy to end an affair that you actually still want to be involved in?

Anyways, we met, I jumped in his car, and we started talking. We were both happy to see each other, and began talking about anything and everything, except the affair. Forty-five minutes later I stepped out of his car, got into mine, and drove home. As I drove away I cursed myself for not ending it when I had the chance.

Later that day he sent me another text, "We still have to talk."

Talk about dragging it out.

Wednesday I called him. This is how the first minute played out:

TDH - I don't know how to start this...I guess...just...well, I've been doing some thinking...
Kate - Uh huh?
TDH - Yeah...
Kate - Go on.
TDH - Well...I think the affair portion of our relationship has to be over. (Then he started talking really fast.) You know I love you, but I've been thinking about my relationship with my wife, and I really want to make it work with her. And it's been really hard, trying to be fair to you when I'm trying to make it work with her, and I...
Kate - I completely agree with you.
TDH - (shocked silence)
Kate - Hello?
TDH - You...you do?
Kate - Yeah. This is just getting too hard. I love you, but this relationship is making me crazy. I'm not even myself anymore.
TDH - Wow.
Kate - What?
TDH - This is just...so much easier than I thought it was going to be!
Kate - Well to tell you the truth, I was hoping it would have been over a couple weeks ago, but I just couldn't make myself do it, because I was scared of losing you completely.
TDH - I know! I never want to be without you Kate, you know that, but for now I need to focus on my marriage.
Kate - I get that, don't worry! This is what I want too.
TDH - So when can we hang out? I miss seeing you.

And since that day, which was 6 days ago, we've talked on the phone and over text, and it's amazing how much happier we both are. I'm not worried about slipping back into the affair, because we were both ready for it to be over. Though I must confess, over the rest of our "break-up" talk, he made it perfectly clear that should his relationship with his wife not work out, he would be knocking at my door.


So now I'm happy...and content, and at peace, and delighted that we're in a good place. I love him, and will continue to, but for now, we're where we should be.

K-A-T-E Spells: Confused

This affair has turned into so much more than an affair. It has morphed into something far beyond the jumping off point of sneaky caresses, stolen moments, back roads fucking, liking, respecting, and loving each other into this whole other...thing.

Instead of lunch breaks spent hiding out in some parking lot, or the dark corner booth of some restaurant, it's become public coffee meetings, phone calls while we grocery shop, once a week private meetings, dirty pictures and msn chats, with the occasional profession of love thrown in for good measure.

TDH is struggling at the moment. He's going through some fairly significant health issues, is having an all out battle with his morals, and because of both of those, he's also dealing with his own mortality. I'm trying to be supportive and to give him as much space and/or support as he needs, but all his struggling is resulting in him being someone who is increasingly hard to understand.

On the one hand he wants to devote himself to his wife, to repairing their marriage and being "committed" to her. On the other hand there's me. Me along with his wife, as has been going on for over 2 years now.

A week or so ago this all came tumbling out. It seems though, that regardless of what his choice is, I'm still included in his life. Confused? Yeah, me too. So what does this mean? He loves me - he doesn't - he wants to have sex - no he doesn't - apparently the line that has to be crossed to achieve his relationship with me changes everyday. Some days it's no problem for us to be walking to our cars after having coffee and for him to shove me between two cars, shove his hand into my panties, and kiss me till I'm breathless. Other days he's standoffish, and we chat on the phone or over text like we're nothing more than good friends.

As he tried to explain this all to me, and I listened, trying to wrap my head around it - I finally just blurted out "Well, maybe if I was out of your life, you wouldn't be struggling with your morals, and it might help you to focus on your marriage."

His reply to that? "Nope. It doesn't work that way. I need you in my life - no out for you. The struggle is not part of how I feel about you - that hasn't changed - and won't - I don't want to end it with you - of course I feel things for you (that'd be LOVE btw) - this struggle has to do with the affect of my choices in balancing my life..."

Still confused? Yep, me too.

The next night we were chatting online and the current line of conversation was how he would like me to greet him at the door when he got home from work if we were married. I was in the middle of explaining a whole modern-day housewife look - stilettos, apron, button up dress with a hint of black lace peeking out, fresh lipstick and dinner in the oven - when he says this:

TDH says:
mmmmm - can you just come over and spend the night?
TDH says:
I'll sneak you into my room after my kid goes to bed
Kate says:
If I could, I would
TDH says:
Tell your husband some friend is having a crisis
TDH says:
and you have to go see them
Kate says:
I can't!!
TDH says:
my wife is away, it's a perfect time
Kate says:
Don't tempt me...
TDH says:
I'm not tempting you - I'm flat out asking you to sneak over here for the night
Kate says:
I can't.
TDH says:
come and spend the night with me - at least part of it
Kate says:
I can't, but believe me - there is nothing I would rather do
TDH says:
I want you to come. Please. I want you here...

*I wasn't able to go over that night, but damn, I would really have loved to!

Anyways, then yesterday we were talking about our weekends, and I asked him how his was. He says "It was great. It was so nice to be able to spend time with my wife."

What the fuck? I mean, I'm supportive of you patching things up with your wife, and I know that you're supportive of me staying with my husband, but seriously? I don't want to hear about how nice it was to spend time with her. Don't lovers realize that? I mean, we both know each other is married, and in passing we do bring up our spouses from time to time, but I would never tell him how it was so great to spend time with my husband, because I know that would bother him.

So essentially, all I know from all this is that he loves me, and still wants me, but just how much he will allow himself to have me will change from day to day.

If I wasn't in love with him...

In Honor of Valentine's Day

As I've mentioned before, sex with TDH is phenomenal. That's not to say that I don't enjoy myself with SH - because I do - but with TDH sex feels the way I think it's "supposed" to feel. Intoxicating, breathtaking, flushed perfection.

He likes for me to be completely naked, and always prefers for there to be some form of light filtering in, so that he can take me in. He's incredibly quick at removing my clothes, but does it in such a way that I don't even realize I'm naked until he's pulled away from me, and is staring. He always says something like "My god, you are so beautiful," and will give me an incredibly slow, deep kiss, and it's almost as though he's seeing me for the first time.

Every move he makes when we're together is natural, and fluid - thought out, but impulsive. When I'm on top and he decides he wants me on my back, the way he flips me around almost seems effortless. He knows every spot that I ache for him to touch, and likes to kiss and nibble my entire body. When we're right in the heat of it, and there's no love making, just fucking, he still pauses long enough to whisper in his deep, smooth voice, "kiss me." And I do.

Even when we're in a hurry, he always takes the time to caress me, run his hands through my hair, look me deep in the eyes, marvel over my body, bite his way up one leg and down the other, and always, always makes me feel beautiful.

Sometimes now, we'll talk about what it's like when we have sex, and he often comments on parts of my body that I've never given a second thought to, or have always hated about myself. He tells me that I have the most perfect nipples, the most beautiful pink color, the perfect shape, the perfect size. He talks about how the color of my eyes is the most amazing color he's ever seen. He says he wants the walls in his house to be their exact shade of slate, so that everywhere he looks, he sees me. He tells me that I have a sexy back, and that he could spend hours running his fingers up and down my spine. He tells me that the way his cock fits so perfectly inside me gives him a pleasure that nothing else could.

I think one of the reasons sex with him is so amazing, is because he's incredibly passionate. He's passionate about me, about what we're doing, about taking each time we have with each other as a gift, so he doesn't want to waste it.

All I want today, is him.

Okay, So We Had It Out

I'm not going to go into the details, but this week TDH and I had it out about the weirdness between us. Via text message of all the ways to do it. I don't know if anyone else has ever had an argument over text, but it's maddening. Unfortunately at the time, he wasn't able to call me, and I just couldn't wait 5 hours until he was able to, so texting it was.
It was scary, and harsh, and some things came to light that terrified us both, but for now at least, I think we're moving back to where we were.

I'm sorry to all my male readers, but I need to generalize here, just for my own sanity...why is it that men insist nothing is wrong until they make the woman (or at least one of the women) in their life nearly have a breakdown, because the woman is smart enough to know something is up, then eventually the man just lets it all pour out, when if he had just confessed what was going on in the first place, the entire fight/argument/misunderstanding could have been avoided in the first place?!?!? Fuck.

*I know all men aren't really like this - but in my experiences with both SH and TDH, this is always the case.

Anyways, part of what came out is that I haven't been myself lately. I have to admit though, that I knew this was the case, and that TDH was not the first person to mention it to me. I'm taking steps (not just for him, but for myself) to get myself back on track, and I'm feeling better already.

One of the things he said to me was "I just want my Kate back."
That hurt, but I know he's right - Kate needs to step back into the picture.



On a happier note, no matter what our emotional standing, our sexual desire for each other never seems to waver - big surprise. When we can't see each other in person, we make great use of our webcams, and since the text "breakthrough" we seem to be using them even more.
His latest idea is to buy me about 50 feet of extra cable, so that I can drag the cam around with me so that he never has to miss out on what I'm doing during the day. Of course, he seems to be particularly interested in what goes on while I shower, get dressed, masturbate, etc. So we'll see what happens...

Random Thoughts As a Way of Catching Up

I do apologize for being so sporadic with my posts. But when you have a husband that works shift-work, and is on the craziest schedule imaginable, it can be difficult to get to the computer when it's "safe".

**********

Life in general has been insanely busy, without anything really going on. A bit of a contradiction there I realize, but it seems the best way to explain it. I guess I mean there have been no big events worth mentioning, but work is crazy, DD is learning new things by the day, I've been busy with girlfriends, and SH has been surprisingly attentive over the past month.

**********

Since the "fight" between TDH and I way back at the beginning of January, it seems that things haven't quite gotten back to normal. We did finally get to see each other mid-January - and it was bitter-sweet. The bitter-sweetness was because we were sort of arguing via text while I was on my way to his place, then when I got there it was awkward.
See, I wanted to walk in the door and straighten all the bullshit from our fight out right away, but as soon as I walked in his face lit up, and he wrapped his arms around me, and then...well, you know...I was pretty much putty.
Though I must applaud myself, when I finally dis-entangled myself from his arms, I did sit on the opposite side of the couch from him and tell him we needed to straighten things out.
But you know, then he's insisting that everything is fine, and he's tilting his head and grinning at me, and asking me to go get something from my jacket because "then I can watch you walk over there."
Anyways, we talked for about half an hour, then he wanted to show me something he'd bought himself after Christmas, but when I followed him down the hall, suddenly I was pressed up against the wall, and my shirt was off, and he was kissing me so hard I could barely breathe, and then my pants were unbuttoned...and damn. I left 45 minutes later (late for an appointment) with my hair all over the fucking place, bite marks on my neck (thank god for long hair!), his scent on my skin, and damp panties.
We've seen each other a few times since then, all in public settings where we have to sit at a table and play innocent, but still, I love those times together.
But here's where I'm confused - prior to our fight, nearly every conversation with TDH was littered with I like yous, I love yous, I miss yous - but since the fight? Nada. If I say it first he's always quick to say it back, but he's quit saying it on his own.
I have asked him about it, but he insists that he still feels the same, and that "You should know how I feel about you by now." I told him that that's true, I believe I do know how he feels, but isn't it nice to have someone tell you once in a while?

Someone tell me - am I just being supremely annoying and needy about this? I've only asked him about it that once, but I'm thinking about it constantly. And it wouldn't bother me so much if he hadn't always been so forthcoming with emotions like that in the past.

Thoughts? Anyone?

**********

Thank you all so much for your advice on my "gardening dilemma". Your answers were all great, and some of them had me literally laughing out loud to myself. I did answer you all in my comments.
I agree with the majority of you as well, that a bare kitty is the best one, but - the things we do for our lovers, right?
Anyways, I do believe I've decided to go with just a small strip for now, and see how I feel about that. TDH is so excited (what a thing to get excited about, lol) that he says the anticipation is almost more than he can take.

The Perils of Grocery Shopping

Since TDH and I don't get to spend as much time together as we'd like, we often talk on the phone while we're going about our everyday lives. It's not like we do anything particularly exciting, just day to day stuff, things that need to be done, but that seem to be more fun because we have each other for entertainment.
While he's driving home from work, when he's on his way to Home Depot, while we're driving to see each other, while I'm headed to the gym - essentially whenever one of us is out of the house without our spouse, and when the other can get a moment alone, we're on the phone.
We must get annoying to the cashiers in all these places, because often we're each wearing our headset, thus carrying on a conversation with essentially no one. I know I've gotten dirty looks before. So what I try to do now is to put him on hold, so I can pay attention to whoever is helping me out, then beep back when I'm through paying.
One thing we do love to do though (and that we do more and more often) is when one of us has to stop in at someones house, or have a conversation with someone, we'll keep the other person on the line so they can hear what's going on. This often results in whoever is just listening in, whispering dirty thoughts into the phone, while the one involved in face to face communication with someone has to try and carry on a normal exchange.
Lots of times the result of this is sudden outbursts of laughter, or him whispering "fuuuuuck" under his breath while I'm telling him what I wish I was doing to him. It's almost turned into a game now - see if we can make the other person laugh, or see how turned on we can get them before they head back to their car.
But still, one of my favourite things (and his) is going grocery shopping, because many times we seem to be grocery shopping at the same time, though on opposite sides of the city. We just walk around, chatting to each other about what we're buying, telling each other what's good, and most of the time we end up buying wacky stuff, just because we get distracted by talking. I guess one of the reasons we like it most is because grocery shopping is such a normal, "married" couple thing.
I know, danger, danger, danger :)

I Need Some Advice

Nothing serious, and in fact, pretty much the exact opposite of serious.

Okay, now how to put this...

When it comes to my nether-regions, I have a clean slate. There is no 70's bush, no landing strip, no nothing. I like the bare look.

Essentially what I'm trying to say is that I have no pubic hair :)

I started going bare when I was about 15 or so, and I've just never went back, I love it. SH doesn't seem to care either way (big surprise, he doesn't really have an opinion about it), but TDH loves it.

So the other day TDH and I somehow got on the topic of grooming. He asked me how long I had been tending things this way, and then said "Hmm, I wonder what you would look like with a strip or something?"

As the conversation went on, he said that he prefers me to be bare, but that now his interest was piqued as to what I would look like with a bit of...garden...so he asked me to let it grow so he could see what it was like. He said to do whatever I wanted with it, he was just curious.

So here's where I need the advice. What do any of you find sexy on a woman? What do you do yourself? A strip? Regular old bush, just kept trimmed? In a heart shape? Glitter?

The Day I Let the "L-word" Take Over

Darling Daughter (DD) was born last year. That first night after she was born, I barely slept. She seemed only to be content nestled up to my chest, and SH didn't sleep either, sitting up in an uncomfortable chair in my hospital room.

The second night was more of the same, so by the time that morning rolled around, we were beyond exhausted. We were to be discharged from the hospital by lunch, so while SH was taking care of the paperwork, I flipped by cell phone on for the first time in three days. Seconds after I turned it on, there was a succession of dings as messages began coming through, and I delighted in reading all the congratulations. In the middle of all those, there was one from TDH, it read: Hi. It's 3am and I'm awake and thinking about you :) I hope you're having a great night. I miss you - a lot.

I texted him back immediately (since by now it was around 9am) and he was happy to hear from me. He asked me how the baby was, how the birth went, if I was okay. I told him that we were fine, and that I would love to be able to see him, and introduce him to my daughter. He replied: That would make me incredibly happy :) oh God Kate, you do crazy things to me - I miss you so damn much.

I remember teasing him about being so mushy - he never has had a problem telling me his feelings - but in that moment his messages just seemed so much more vulnerable (hard to tell via text I realize, but to me it was obvious). When I asked him about his emotions, he said: I don't know, when you love someone eventually the flood gates can't hold it all back anymore :)

I also remember at that moment thinking to myself "This is completely insane! I just gave birth, I'm sitting here waiting for SH to pack us up to go home, and all I can think of is my lover, and how much I wish he were here right now."

I told TDH as much, saying that he must be crazy for feeling this way about a woman that just gave birth to a child that wasn't even his. He replied: The only crazy in my life is that I'm crazy about you Katiecat :)

I, of course, was sitting there with the biggest, goofiest grin on my face - high on my new baby, and the fact that he was being so amazing - when I snapped to my senses and told him that I should really go, because SH would be back soon. I said I'd try to get out to see him as soon as possible. He sent one last message that day that said: Perfect :) well I better go before he comes back. I love you Kate, and miss you like crazy.

And that exact moment is when I finally let my heart melt into the puddle it had been threatening for so long, and admit that I really loved him. Like really and truly loved him. And not only that, but I was in love with him.

I had known it long before that, but had always kept it at bay. He had told me several times during moments of passion that he loved me, and I always responded that I loved him too (because I knew I did), but this was different. This wasn't us in the middle of a sexual frenzy. This was him at home, worrying and missing me, and seeing me looking my most horrific after having just had a baby (SH was sending photos of DD and I from his phone to everyone), and yet still feeling the way he did.

I posted pictures of DD and I a couple days later on facebook - me still looking ghostly pale, with huge black circles under my eyes from lack of sleep - and he was emailing me instantly, telling me that I had never looked more gorgeous, and that he couldn't wait to wrap his arms around me and just hold me.

Now how is an exhausted woman, euphoric on her new baby, supposed to contend with that?


LOL - I know, I know. I was in over my head long before that moment :)

This Made Me Smile

I don't think I've touched on this yet, but since we've been found out, TDH has gotten a job elsewhere, and after my maternity was up, I went back to my old job. However, I am seriously looking to find another job, as the place just doesn't feel right to me anymore.
This makes TDH happy because he knows that I'm unhappy there, but worried because he knows that me finding another job (in a male dominated field) will mean new men around me. As mean as this may make me seem, I like his worry. Once in a great, great while - it's nice to know that I'm not the only one who gets paranoid.


The following msn conversation took place yesterday afternoon:

TDH says: You'll get a new job, and love it there - (with all the old ladies)
Kate says: With all the men I can flirt my way to the top with, you mean?
TDH says: No men - only old ladies - who haven't been laid in 20 years
TDH says: You'll be their savior! And make them all want to go out and get freaky!
Kate says: Yeah, I'd rather work with the dudes
TDH says: You'll tell them stories about your last job - and how you got freaky with one of your co-workers on the boardroom table (but they can't tell your husband...etc)
TDH says: You'll bring a sexual revolution to the company of oldies
Kate says: There will be dudes - sorry babe
TDH says: Yeah - there might be - but they will be ugly, and be about as dumb as rocks
TDH says: Sorry to you babe
Kate says: Don't worry - no one else is crazy enough to think about me the way you do
Kate says: All I know is that there will be men - but that I won't think about them in any other way than work people, and they will think of me as that loud, annoying woman they work with
TDH says: They will like you - and be attracted to you - I know - I used to work with you - I saw the way others looked at you
TDH says: Especially in those fucking heels - mmmmmmmmmm
Kate says: You saw the way you looked at me - that's it
TDH says: And Kevin, and Aaron.... (I think his name was Aaron)
TDH says: I even saw Todd checking out your legs -
Kate says: Who? Aaron?
TDH says: Tall guy, with glasses
Kate says: Eric?!??!!
TDH says: Aaron... no - that wasn't his name - I dunno -
Kate says: Really????
TDH says: Yeah! Eric!
TDH says: Marshall!
TDH says: Yeah - when you walked by, he always looked back
Kate says: Oh man...new topic!!
TDH says: And once you were standing at Dawn's desk - with a skirt, and you were kind of bent over her desk talking to her - more leaning on it, and I saw Todd's eyes travel up your legs
Kate says: Fuck off
TDH says: I don't know who you were talking to - but I saw his eyes
Kate says: Okay - enough
Kate says: Really!!!
TDH says: I'm telling you - you are one hot mama! - and it's not just me that thinks that! Sorry - guys will check you out - it's a fact of life
TDH says: I wish I could hire you to work for me, and I'd hide you away so I wouldn't have to share you with anyone
Kate says: LOL! You can't hide me away - I have to work somewhere!
TDH says: It actually worries me - you obviously don't see yourself the way other people do - guys are going to be falling for you all over the place...

I went to sleep last night with a blissful, sadistic little grin on my face.
Yes I did.

Hi Babes

Sorry I've been MIA this week - SH has been home for 4 days, therefore not letting me out of his sight. It would be better if that was because we were having so much crazy sex that I couldn't get to the computer, but we all know that's not the case. sigh.
Anyways, he'll be off to work on Saturday, so I'll be back to post and catch up with all of you then.

Love.

I'll Never Complain About a Board Room Meeting...

TDH and I are on the mend from last week's misunderstanding/blog discovery/fight extraordinaire, and are slowly, but surely, getting back to normal. Today we texted through the morning, and had a two hour phone call this afternoon. Though things are back to happy in that way, we have yet to see each other in person...it's been since December 19th people!!! Too long.

Anyways, as a way of cheering myself up further, and posting something other than a dreary fight recap, or a sniffle-worthy depiction of how much I love him, I figured I'd do something different...I'd recap all the places I can remember us having sex.

Before that though, can I just say that this man is an absolute God in the sack? Like maddeningly scream-worthy, every touch makes me shudder in happiness and excitement, I want to fuck you till I can't walk, mind-blowingly phenomenal? Oy. My toes curl just thinking about it.


So without dragging this out further, let me begin:

At The Office
My desk*
Up against the wall in my office*
His desk
Various locations on the floor in his office
A co-workers desk*
That same co-workers desk chair
Up against that same co-workers wall*
The board room table (one of my personal favorites)
Various cubicles around the main part of our office*
The front desk of our offices - right where the bitchy secretary sits
The stairwell*

Honorable mention goes out to the elevator, various hallways in our office building, and the staff kitchen for hosting various other sexual activities.
*The starred listings are those that have been used during working hours as well, when other people were around.

His House
Living room couch
Living room floor
Floor of his home office
Balanced on the back of the couch in the basement
Pull-out couch in the basement
Garage
Hood of his wife's car while it was parked in the garage

My House
Living room couch
Up against the wall in my kitchen
My guest bedroom bed
My bed
The floor in the living room

Otherwise
Backseat of my car
Front seat of my car
Hood of my car
Hood of his car
Against a tree at a nearby beach
Various parking lots or secluded roads around the city
-we often joke that our DNA can be found randomly around the city because of the "clean-up evidence" being scattered everywhere

Now that's a fairly extensive list, and some of them have been used more than once (did I mention how much I love the board room table?), but I have a few others that I have been dying to try out. For example: my dining room table, the staircase at his house, up against the windows in my office downtown, in the change rooms at Victoria's Secret (he loves going there with me to pick things out).

Sigh. I need to see him in person. Time to get some :)

Update on the TDH Situation

After our phone conversation on Tuesday where I was slammed with him finding my blog, I got a few more text messages from him before his wife got home and it was completely unsafe.
It seems that the part of my post that bothered him the most was when I said that I was leaving the work up to him for now, and in particular, the last line "If he still wants me, he knows how to find me."
He sent me a text about that line that said The one thing I do know is that this will not become a single sided driven relationship. I am not going to "do all the work" - it's equal effort or nothing.

Then he said it was unsafe to text back because his wife was around, and we would talk about it more on Wednesday - aaaah! To get a message like that and not be able to defend yourself is a terrible feeling. I do know he was taking things the wrong way because his feelings were hurt about the entire thing, but holy, talk about taking things out of context!

So yesterday morning I tried to explain to him that if he had stood back and looked at that entire paragraph, I was referring to him putting in the effort with texts, saying he missed me, initiating us seeing each other, that stuff. He normally is great with that stuff, but as of late I've been feeling sort of ignored.

We went back and forth via text on it, and I tried to get him to understand that it was my insecurity talking, not how I felt about our relationship. In the end, I decided that no matter what I told him, he had to work through it himself, which he basically told me anyways.

Finally I just sent him a message that said Are we going to recover from this? Because honestly, I've never had him mad at me before, and the way he was talking the night before, I thought we were probably over. He came back with If you're interested in recovering, then sure, why not? To tell you the truth, I was almost surprised.

Around lunch yesterday I sent him a "normal" text asking how work was going, to which he sent me a polite answer, and that continued throughout the day, with him sounding a little more like himself with each message. Late in the afternoon I had to run out to do some errands, so we arranged for me to call him.

Oh my. The first 15 minutes of that conversation were awkward to say the least, but half an hour later we had each other laughing, and were talking fairly normally.

Today we've been texting all day, and we both seem to be in good spirits. Thank god.

**************************************

The one thing I've learned from this entire fight, is that my insecurity is what leads to a lot of misunderstandings we have. He actually made that painfully clear (unintentionally) when during our phone fight he said "I thought I had made it perfectly clear to you the way I feel about you. I was 100% confident in our relationship and us being together, how can you be so unsure?"
And when I really think about it, besides going through the occasional "We can't have sex anymore" moment, he has never given me any reason to doubt him, to doubt the way he feels about me, to doubt that he loves me.

I was never insecure with SH, and now it's almost as though I don't exist most of the time in his eyes, outside of being a roommate. I wonder then if I'm overly insecure with TDH, because I'm scared of the same thing happening with him?

Uh Oh

Just got off the phone with TDH. There's trouble - big trouble.

Months ago, after we were found out, he had mentioned to me that an apology letter to his wife might go a long way in helping to mend our relationship (the one between his wife and I that is, we were kind of friends beforehand). When we talked about it, he said that he thought it might even help us be able to be friends "publicly" again. I had a hard time believing that might be possible, but he seemed to think it would.

My thoughts on that were entirely selfish - worried that if I sent her the letter, she would have hard proof to send to my husband should she ever decide he should find out. I wrote 4 or 5 of them, trying to express my anguish for what this must have done to her, but in the end my fear won out, and I never sent one.

Fast forward to this morning, when I was angry about TDH not texting me very much lately, and for seeming so weird. I posted my blog, and he and I texted sporadically throughout the day - finally though, this afternoon, I asked him what was wrong. He said he was fine, so I texted back that if he was fine, then I could only assume that he had some sort of problem with me. Turns out, he had two problems with me, both serious.

The first was that he has been thinking about me not sending a letter to his wife. I don't remember this, but he said he had told me when we first talked about it that I should do it before the New Year, because after that he felt the window for reconciliation between her and I would be closed. He said he felt that me not sending it meant that our relationship (outside of the affair) didn't mean enough to me to warrant that kind of action. He couldn't be further from the truth, but he is taking my cowardice as not caring.

The second thing is that he found this blog. Today. With my last post up - and knew in about 3 lines that it was mine. He knew I had this blog, and that my screen name was Insatiable Kate, but had never read it.

So now his feelings are hurt, his faith in our relationship is shaken, and he's thinking I don't care because I never sent his wife a letter.

I tried to explain myself to him over the phone, but I'm not sure he believes me. I keep asking him what I can do to prove to him that I'm sorry, and that he means more to me than I could ever explain - but for now it seems I'm just coming across as a selfish brat. He said he needs to work through the emotional part of everything before he can talk to me about it.

Fuck.

I sincerely hope this isn't the beginning of the end. That man means more to me than most people that walk this earth.

I Don't Usually Bitch About TDH, But...

...he's being a real son-of-a-bitch these past few days.

Usually the relationship between TDH and I is rosy. We get along fabulously; when we do have a difference of opinion we actually discuss it, rather than get all huffy and arrogant about it; we love each other immensely; and generally when one of us is feeling insecure or worried about something (either our relationship or life in general) the other will go out of their way to reassure them that things will be fine.

However...you may recall in my last post that I confessed how when we've been away from each other for an extended period of time, I get a little insecure. I loathe feeling that way, and I try to keep it under wraps, but sometimes it's just not possible.

After I talked to him on Friday I was feeling much better about everything. I knew we'd see each other soon, and his words had reassured me. But I knew Sunday was coming, which is always my least favourite day of the week. On Sundays TDH is with his family - not just his wife and kid, but his entire family - and they hang out all day, which is not great for the two of us communicating. I have made my peace with this though, because at some point during the day I always get at least one sneaky text, and then usually sometime that evening he'll send me an email that makes me feel like a million bucks.

This past Sunday though, there was nothing from him. Not a message, phone call, email - nothing. I was pissed. I know wifey is still on high alert, but for fuck's sake, he can take his phone into the bathroom and send me a text in two seconds!

So yesterday morning I was angry. He sent me a good morning message and I responded with a somewhat cold message of my own. He then asked me how I was, and I said "I'm fine. Just trying to figure out if we are." Then he sent a message back asking just what that was supposed to mean. I wrote back saying that I was perturbed that he couldn't have even sent one message saying that it was going to be an entirely unsafe day, to which he responded "I'm very sorry about that, but I told you before there may be the occasional day of text silence." Jackass. Apparently me expecting a brief hello message was too much to ask.

Later in the day I was heading out to run some errands and return some things from Christmas. Our plan was that I would be out for when he was done work, so that we could see each other for a quick coffee. He texted just as I was about to leave the house that Steve's van had broken down (a co-worker) and that he had to give him a ride home after work, therefore we wouldn't be able to meet up.

I said that was fine, I was half expecting something to come up anyways. We both have terrible track-records for something coming up at the last minute, and having to cancel on each other. But then he was all defensive about it: "What's that supposed to mean? Why did you expect me to cancel?"

I told him because it was his first day back to work in about two weeks, so I figured he'd be busy, plus I reminded him about our track-record. That seemed to placate him, and we continued texting (very innocent messages) while I was out.

Just before I got home I texted for him to have a good evening, and he did the same. We always do this before one of us gets home, but it never means we're done talking for the day - there are always emails and texts afterwards, whenever one of us can steal away for a moment.

But last night there was nothing from him.
This morning he texted me "Good morning Katiecat!" like nothing was amiss.

Now with him being so weird, my mind automatically goes to "Well he must not feel the same way about me anymore. Has he decided to end this whole thing, but just doesn't want to tell me? Why is he being such a jackass?!?"

I asked him yesterday if we were done. He was mad. Wanted to know why the hell I would ever think that.

Uh, hello? Maybe because you're basically ignoring me?

I don't know what is going through that mind of his, or what's going on, but I've decided that I'm going to let him do the work for now. It's always me accommodating his schedule (because it's easier for me to get out), me worrying about his feelings, he hasn't told me he misses me unless I say it first in about a week, and the really stupid part? When I'm irked at him like this, I always end up feeling bad for feeling this way at all, and totally letting him off the hook! Stupid.

If he still wants me, he knows how to find me.

On Christmas and Being a Needy Girl

Whoa. I've been gone for a week and half, and it honestly feels more like a month! I see I've got some reading ahead of me to catch up on all the posts I've missed from everyone else...which may actually be hard to do this weekend since SH will be home for once. Ah well, slowly but surely I'll read everything :) And Happy New Year to you all!

So, Christmas. It was interesting. I never did get that phone call with TDH on Christmas day, though I did get to talk to him a couple other times throughout the holidays. Christmas day though, was peppered with messages from him, including my favourite: Good morning and Merry Christmas Katiecat! Miss you so much. Wish you were curled up next to me in bed.

But I didn't hear from him nearly as much as I'd hoped to, and when I asked about it, he told me that his wife was on high alert, figuring since it was Christmas I would definitely be trying to contact him. She was basically glued to him the entire time, and was randomly checking his phone for incoming and outgoing texts and calls. Not exactly a safe situation.

I don't know about anyone else, but I find that often times when I'm away from TDH for an extended period of time - which for us is anything more than a week - I begin to feel a little insecure in our relationship. It's easy to see things that aren't really there, or to dream up that he's being distant, when you're just getting a text message every once in a while.

Usually when I'm away I go through a little phase of thinking maybe he's changed his mind, but then when I'm back in town he's always quick to pick up on it and put my mind at ease. I hate feeling like a needy girl so I try to keep it to myself, but sometimes I just can't help it.

The last time I saw him was December 19th (that's 2 weeks ago - torture!), so this morning he sneaked downstairs with his laptop, and we both got on msn so we could see each other. He spent the first 5 minutes gushing about how gorgeous he thought I looked, and I sat there with a stupid grin plastered on my face because as usual, I was thinking the same thing about him. But still, he seemed a bit standoff-ish.

Then I told him how over the holidays I half-confessed what was going on between us to my best friend. I was surprised to find her being very supportive, because she knows what's been going on between SH and I as well, but she was great about it. I stopped short of telling her that TDH and I had done anything physical, but did tell her that it was definitely an emotional affair.

TDH was surprised that I had told her as much as I had, but then he asked "And did you tell her that I'm completely in love with you?"

And with that one simple question, all was right with the world again. So much for not being a needy girl :)