I've been gone for nearly a month, so let's back up the truck a bit.
When I wrote that last post, about how confused I was, and how it was glaringly obvious that TDH was in the same boat, I was actually teetering on the edge between wanting the affair to be over, and desperately trying to hold on to it. I had begun to remove myself from the situation a little, and try to see it in it's entirety, instead of just the little part I was trying to hold on to. Once I did that, I realized that I didn't like what I was seeing.
I'm a confident person. Not arrogant or high on myself, but sure of myself, my abilities, and my mindset. When I pulled back from the affair a little, I realized that I was losing myself in it. I was becoming timid, and unsure, and clinging to something that just wasn't meant to be.
And crazy as it may seem, someone that I've just "met" really put it into perspective for me when in an email, he said: You deserve better. Think about why you started seeing him in the first place--he was giving you what you needed. Ask yourself: is he still?
The answer was no. He wasn't, and therefore neither was the affair.
There are two reasons I was holding on to something that in my heart of hearts, I knew was doomed - I love him, and I was scared that ending the affair would mean I would lose him completely. Because beyond our affair, we were great friends, and still were - and that was just something I wasn't willing to risk.
Two weeks ago he sent me a text - it said "We need to talk. Face to face." I didn't panic or cry, I just said that sounded like a good idea to me, and when could we get together? Turns out we couldn't see each other in person for about 5 days. So I went to meet up with him feeling a little nervous, but oddly content, because I knew that soon it would be over.
As a side note - how bizarre is that? Being happy to end an affair that you actually still want to be involved in?
Anyways, we met, I jumped in his car, and we started talking. We were both happy to see each other, and began talking about anything and everything, except the affair. Forty-five minutes later I stepped out of his car, got into mine, and drove home. As I drove away I cursed myself for not ending it when I had the chance.
Later that day he sent me another text, "We still have to talk."
Talk about dragging it out.
Wednesday I called him. This is how the first minute played out:
TDH - I don't know how to start this...I guess...just...well, I've been doing some thinking...
Kate - Uh huh?
TDH - Yeah...
Kate - Go on.
TDH - Well...I think the affair portion of our relationship has to be over. (Then he started talking really fast.) You know I love you, but I've been thinking about my relationship with my wife, and I really want to make it work with her. And it's been really hard, trying to be fair to you when I'm trying to make it work with her, and I...
Kate - I completely agree with you.
TDH - (shocked silence)
Kate - Hello?
TDH - You...you do?
Kate - Yeah. This is just getting too hard. I love you, but this relationship is making me crazy. I'm not even myself anymore.
TDH - Wow.
Kate - What?
TDH - This is just...so much easier than I thought it was going to be!
Kate - Well to tell you the truth, I was hoping it would have been over a couple weeks ago, but I just couldn't make myself do it, because I was scared of losing you completely.
TDH - I know! I never want to be without you Kate, you know that, but for now I need to focus on my marriage.
Kate - I get that, don't worry! This is what I want too.
TDH - So when can we hang out? I miss seeing you.
And since that day, which was 6 days ago, we've talked on the phone and over text, and it's amazing how much happier we both are. I'm not worried about slipping back into the affair, because we were both ready for it to be over. Though I must confess, over the rest of our "break-up" talk, he made it perfectly clear that should his relationship with his wife not work out, he would be knocking at my door.
So now I'm happy...and content, and at peace, and delighted that we're in a good place. I love him, and will continue to, but for now, we're where we should be.