Wednesday, January 28, 2009

The Perils of Grocery Shopping

Since TDH and I don't get to spend as much time together as we'd like, we often talk on the phone while we're going about our everyday lives. It's not like we do anything particularly exciting, just day to day stuff, things that need to be done, but that seem to be more fun because we have each other for entertainment.
While he's driving home from work, when he's on his way to Home Depot, while we're driving to see each other, while I'm headed to the gym - essentially whenever one of us is out of the house without our spouse, and when the other can get a moment alone, we're on the phone.
We must get annoying to the cashiers in all these places, because often we're each wearing our headset, thus carrying on a conversation with essentially no one. I know I've gotten dirty looks before. So what I try to do now is to put him on hold, so I can pay attention to whoever is helping me out, then beep back when I'm through paying.
One thing we do love to do though (and that we do more and more often) is when one of us has to stop in at someones house, or have a conversation with someone, we'll keep the other person on the line so they can hear what's going on. This often results in whoever is just listening in, whispering dirty thoughts into the phone, while the one involved in face to face communication with someone has to try and carry on a normal exchange.
Lots of times the result of this is sudden outbursts of laughter, or him whispering "fuuuuuck" under his breath while I'm telling him what I wish I was doing to him. It's almost turned into a game now - see if we can make the other person laugh, or see how turned on we can get them before they head back to their car.
But still, one of my favourite things (and his) is going grocery shopping, because many times we seem to be grocery shopping at the same time, though on opposite sides of the city. We just walk around, chatting to each other about what we're buying, telling each other what's good, and most of the time we end up buying wacky stuff, just because we get distracted by talking. I guess one of the reasons we like it most is because grocery shopping is such a normal, "married" couple thing.
I know, danger, danger, danger :)

Thursday, January 22, 2009

I Need Some Advice

Nothing serious, and in fact, pretty much the exact opposite of serious.

Okay, now how to put this...

When it comes to my nether-regions, I have a clean slate. There is no 70's bush, no landing strip, no nothing. I like the bare look.

Essentially what I'm trying to say is that I have no pubic hair :)

I started going bare when I was about 15 or so, and I've just never went back, I love it. SH doesn't seem to care either way (big surprise, he doesn't really have an opinion about it), but TDH loves it.

So the other day TDH and I somehow got on the topic of grooming. He asked me how long I had been tending things this way, and then said "Hmm, I wonder what you would look like with a strip or something?"

As the conversation went on, he said that he prefers me to be bare, but that now his interest was piqued as to what I would look like with a bit he asked me to let it grow so he could see what it was like. He said to do whatever I wanted with it, he was just curious.

So here's where I need the advice. What do any of you find sexy on a woman? What do you do yourself? A strip? Regular old bush, just kept trimmed? In a heart shape? Glitter?

Monday, January 19, 2009

The Day I Let the "L-word" Take Over

Darling Daughter (DD) was born last year. That first night after she was born, I barely slept. She seemed only to be content nestled up to my chest, and SH didn't sleep either, sitting up in an uncomfortable chair in my hospital room.

The second night was more of the same, so by the time that morning rolled around, we were beyond exhausted. We were to be discharged from the hospital by lunch, so while SH was taking care of the paperwork, I flipped by cell phone on for the first time in three days. Seconds after I turned it on, there was a succession of dings as messages began coming through, and I delighted in reading all the congratulations. In the middle of all those, there was one from TDH, it read: Hi. It's 3am and I'm awake and thinking about you :) I hope you're having a great night. I miss you - a lot.

I texted him back immediately (since by now it was around 9am) and he was happy to hear from me. He asked me how the baby was, how the birth went, if I was okay. I told him that we were fine, and that I would love to be able to see him, and introduce him to my daughter. He replied: That would make me incredibly happy :) oh God Kate, you do crazy things to me - I miss you so damn much.

I remember teasing him about being so mushy - he never has had a problem telling me his feelings - but in that moment his messages just seemed so much more vulnerable (hard to tell via text I realize, but to me it was obvious). When I asked him about his emotions, he said: I don't know, when you love someone eventually the flood gates can't hold it all back anymore :)

I also remember at that moment thinking to myself "This is completely insane! I just gave birth, I'm sitting here waiting for SH to pack us up to go home, and all I can think of is my lover, and how much I wish he were here right now."

I told TDH as much, saying that he must be crazy for feeling this way about a woman that just gave birth to a child that wasn't even his. He replied: The only crazy in my life is that I'm crazy about you Katiecat :)

I, of course, was sitting there with the biggest, goofiest grin on my face - high on my new baby, and the fact that he was being so amazing - when I snapped to my senses and told him that I should really go, because SH would be back soon. I said I'd try to get out to see him as soon as possible. He sent one last message that day that said: Perfect :) well I better go before he comes back. I love you Kate, and miss you like crazy.

And that exact moment is when I finally let my heart melt into the puddle it had been threatening for so long, and admit that I really loved him. Like really and truly loved him. And not only that, but I was in love with him.

I had known it long before that, but had always kept it at bay. He had told me several times during moments of passion that he loved me, and I always responded that I loved him too (because I knew I did), but this was different. This wasn't us in the middle of a sexual frenzy. This was him at home, worrying and missing me, and seeing me looking my most horrific after having just had a baby (SH was sending photos of DD and I from his phone to everyone), and yet still feeling the way he did.

I posted pictures of DD and I a couple days later on facebook - me still looking ghostly pale, with huge black circles under my eyes from lack of sleep - and he was emailing me instantly, telling me that I had never looked more gorgeous, and that he couldn't wait to wrap his arms around me and just hold me.

Now how is an exhausted woman, euphoric on her new baby, supposed to contend with that?

LOL - I know, I know. I was in over my head long before that moment :)

Saturday, January 17, 2009

This Made Me Smile

I don't think I've touched on this yet, but since we've been found out, TDH has gotten a job elsewhere, and after my maternity was up, I went back to my old job. However, I am seriously looking to find another job, as the place just doesn't feel right to me anymore.
This makes TDH happy because he knows that I'm unhappy there, but worried because he knows that me finding another job (in a male dominated field) will mean new men around me. As mean as this may make me seem, I like his worry. Once in a great, great while - it's nice to know that I'm not the only one who gets paranoid.

The following msn conversation took place yesterday afternoon:

TDH says: You'll get a new job, and love it there - (with all the old ladies)
Kate says: With all the men I can flirt my way to the top with, you mean?
TDH says: No men - only old ladies - who haven't been laid in 20 years
TDH says: You'll be their savior! And make them all want to go out and get freaky!
Kate says: Yeah, I'd rather work with the dudes
TDH says: You'll tell them stories about your last job - and how you got freaky with one of your co-workers on the boardroom table (but they can't tell your husband...etc)
TDH says: You'll bring a sexual revolution to the company of oldies
Kate says: There will be dudes - sorry babe
TDH says: Yeah - there might be - but they will be ugly, and be about as dumb as rocks
TDH says: Sorry to you babe
Kate says: Don't worry - no one else is crazy enough to think about me the way you do
Kate says: All I know is that there will be men - but that I won't think about them in any other way than work people, and they will think of me as that loud, annoying woman they work with
TDH says: They will like you - and be attracted to you - I know - I used to work with you - I saw the way others looked at you
TDH says: Especially in those fucking heels - mmmmmmmmmm
Kate says: You saw the way you looked at me - that's it
TDH says: And Kevin, and Aaron.... (I think his name was Aaron)
TDH says: I even saw Todd checking out your legs -
Kate says: Who? Aaron?
TDH says: Tall guy, with glasses
Kate says: Eric?!??!!
TDH says: Aaron... no - that wasn't his name - I dunno -
Kate says: Really????
TDH says: Yeah! Eric!
TDH says: Marshall!
TDH says: Yeah - when you walked by, he always looked back
Kate says: Oh topic!!
TDH says: And once you were standing at Dawn's desk - with a skirt, and you were kind of bent over her desk talking to her - more leaning on it, and I saw Todd's eyes travel up your legs
Kate says: Fuck off
TDH says: I don't know who you were talking to - but I saw his eyes
Kate says: Okay - enough
Kate says: Really!!!
TDH says: I'm telling you - you are one hot mama! - and it's not just me that thinks that! Sorry - guys will check you out - it's a fact of life
TDH says: I wish I could hire you to work for me, and I'd hide you away so I wouldn't have to share you with anyone
Kate says: LOL! You can't hide me away - I have to work somewhere!
TDH says: It actually worries me - you obviously don't see yourself the way other people do - guys are going to be falling for you all over the place...

I went to sleep last night with a blissful, sadistic little grin on my face.
Yes I did.

Thursday, January 15, 2009

Hi Babes

Sorry I've been MIA this week - SH has been home for 4 days, therefore not letting me out of his sight. It would be better if that was because we were having so much crazy sex that I couldn't get to the computer, but we all know that's not the case. sigh.
Anyways, he'll be off to work on Saturday, so I'll be back to post and catch up with all of you then.


Monday, January 12, 2009

I'll Never Complain About a Board Room Meeting...

TDH and I are on the mend from last week's misunderstanding/blog discovery/fight extraordinaire, and are slowly, but surely, getting back to normal. Today we texted through the morning, and had a two hour phone call this afternoon. Though things are back to happy in that way, we have yet to see each other in's been since December 19th people!!! Too long.

Anyways, as a way of cheering myself up further, and posting something other than a dreary fight recap, or a sniffle-worthy depiction of how much I love him, I figured I'd do something different...I'd recap all the places I can remember us having sex.

Before that though, can I just say that this man is an absolute God in the sack? Like maddeningly scream-worthy, every touch makes me shudder in happiness and excitement, I want to fuck you till I can't walk, mind-blowingly phenomenal? Oy. My toes curl just thinking about it.

So without dragging this out further, let me begin:

At The Office
My desk*
Up against the wall in my office*
His desk
Various locations on the floor in his office
A co-workers desk*
That same co-workers desk chair
Up against that same co-workers wall*
The board room table (one of my personal favorites)
Various cubicles around the main part of our office*
The front desk of our offices - right where the bitchy secretary sits
The stairwell*

Honorable mention goes out to the elevator, various hallways in our office building, and the staff kitchen for hosting various other sexual activities.
*The starred listings are those that have been used during working hours as well, when other people were around.

His House
Living room couch
Living room floor
Floor of his home office
Balanced on the back of the couch in the basement
Pull-out couch in the basement
Hood of his wife's car while it was parked in the garage

My House
Living room couch
Up against the wall in my kitchen
My guest bedroom bed
My bed
The floor in the living room

Backseat of my car
Front seat of my car
Hood of my car
Hood of his car
Against a tree at a nearby beach
Various parking lots or secluded roads around the city
-we often joke that our DNA can be found randomly around the city because of the "clean-up evidence" being scattered everywhere

Now that's a fairly extensive list, and some of them have been used more than once (did I mention how much I love the board room table?), but I have a few others that I have been dying to try out. For example: my dining room table, the staircase at his house, up against the windows in my office downtown, in the change rooms at Victoria's Secret (he loves going there with me to pick things out).

Sigh. I need to see him in person. Time to get some :)

Thursday, January 8, 2009

Update on the TDH Situation

After our phone conversation on Tuesday where I was slammed with him finding my blog, I got a few more text messages from him before his wife got home and it was completely unsafe.
It seems that the part of my post that bothered him the most was when I said that I was leaving the work up to him for now, and in particular, the last line "If he still wants me, he knows how to find me."
He sent me a text about that line that said The one thing I do know is that this will not become a single sided driven relationship. I am not going to "do all the work" - it's equal effort or nothing.

Then he said it was unsafe to text back because his wife was around, and we would talk about it more on Wednesday - aaaah! To get a message like that and not be able to defend yourself is a terrible feeling. I do know he was taking things the wrong way because his feelings were hurt about the entire thing, but holy, talk about taking things out of context!

So yesterday morning I tried to explain to him that if he had stood back and looked at that entire paragraph, I was referring to him putting in the effort with texts, saying he missed me, initiating us seeing each other, that stuff. He normally is great with that stuff, but as of late I've been feeling sort of ignored.

We went back and forth via text on it, and I tried to get him to understand that it was my insecurity talking, not how I felt about our relationship. In the end, I decided that no matter what I told him, he had to work through it himself, which he basically told me anyways.

Finally I just sent him a message that said Are we going to recover from this? Because honestly, I've never had him mad at me before, and the way he was talking the night before, I thought we were probably over. He came back with If you're interested in recovering, then sure, why not? To tell you the truth, I was almost surprised.

Around lunch yesterday I sent him a "normal" text asking how work was going, to which he sent me a polite answer, and that continued throughout the day, with him sounding a little more like himself with each message. Late in the afternoon I had to run out to do some errands, so we arranged for me to call him.

Oh my. The first 15 minutes of that conversation were awkward to say the least, but half an hour later we had each other laughing, and were talking fairly normally.

Today we've been texting all day, and we both seem to be in good spirits. Thank god.


The one thing I've learned from this entire fight, is that my insecurity is what leads to a lot of misunderstandings we have. He actually made that painfully clear (unintentionally) when during our phone fight he said "I thought I had made it perfectly clear to you the way I feel about you. I was 100% confident in our relationship and us being together, how can you be so unsure?"
And when I really think about it, besides going through the occasional "We can't have sex anymore" moment, he has never given me any reason to doubt him, to doubt the way he feels about me, to doubt that he loves me.

I was never insecure with SH, and now it's almost as though I don't exist most of the time in his eyes, outside of being a roommate. I wonder then if I'm overly insecure with TDH, because I'm scared of the same thing happening with him?

Tuesday, January 6, 2009

Uh Oh

Just got off the phone with TDH. There's trouble - big trouble.

Months ago, after we were found out, he had mentioned to me that an apology letter to his wife might go a long way in helping to mend our relationship (the one between his wife and I that is, we were kind of friends beforehand). When we talked about it, he said that he thought it might even help us be able to be friends "publicly" again. I had a hard time believing that might be possible, but he seemed to think it would.

My thoughts on that were entirely selfish - worried that if I sent her the letter, she would have hard proof to send to my husband should she ever decide he should find out. I wrote 4 or 5 of them, trying to express my anguish for what this must have done to her, but in the end my fear won out, and I never sent one.

Fast forward to this morning, when I was angry about TDH not texting me very much lately, and for seeming so weird. I posted my blog, and he and I texted sporadically throughout the day - finally though, this afternoon, I asked him what was wrong. He said he was fine, so I texted back that if he was fine, then I could only assume that he had some sort of problem with me. Turns out, he had two problems with me, both serious.

The first was that he has been thinking about me not sending a letter to his wife. I don't remember this, but he said he had told me when we first talked about it that I should do it before the New Year, because after that he felt the window for reconciliation between her and I would be closed. He said he felt that me not sending it meant that our relationship (outside of the affair) didn't mean enough to me to warrant that kind of action. He couldn't be further from the truth, but he is taking my cowardice as not caring.

The second thing is that he found this blog. Today. With my last post up - and knew in about 3 lines that it was mine. He knew I had this blog, and that my screen name was Insatiable Kate, but had never read it.

So now his feelings are hurt, his faith in our relationship is shaken, and he's thinking I don't care because I never sent his wife a letter.

I tried to explain myself to him over the phone, but I'm not sure he believes me. I keep asking him what I can do to prove to him that I'm sorry, and that he means more to me than I could ever explain - but for now it seems I'm just coming across as a selfish brat. He said he needs to work through the emotional part of everything before he can talk to me about it.


I sincerely hope this isn't the beginning of the end. That man means more to me than most people that walk this earth.

I Don't Usually Bitch About TDH, But...

...he's being a real son-of-a-bitch these past few days.

Usually the relationship between TDH and I is rosy. We get along fabulously; when we do have a difference of opinion we actually discuss it, rather than get all huffy and arrogant about it; we love each other immensely; and generally when one of us is feeling insecure or worried about something (either our relationship or life in general) the other will go out of their way to reassure them that things will be fine. may recall in my last post that I confessed how when we've been away from each other for an extended period of time, I get a little insecure. I loathe feeling that way, and I try to keep it under wraps, but sometimes it's just not possible.

After I talked to him on Friday I was feeling much better about everything. I knew we'd see each other soon, and his words had reassured me. But I knew Sunday was coming, which is always my least favourite day of the week. On Sundays TDH is with his family - not just his wife and kid, but his entire family - and they hang out all day, which is not great for the two of us communicating. I have made my peace with this though, because at some point during the day I always get at least one sneaky text, and then usually sometime that evening he'll send me an email that makes me feel like a million bucks.

This past Sunday though, there was nothing from him. Not a message, phone call, email - nothing. I was pissed. I know wifey is still on high alert, but for fuck's sake, he can take his phone into the bathroom and send me a text in two seconds!

So yesterday morning I was angry. He sent me a good morning message and I responded with a somewhat cold message of my own. He then asked me how I was, and I said "I'm fine. Just trying to figure out if we are." Then he sent a message back asking just what that was supposed to mean. I wrote back saying that I was perturbed that he couldn't have even sent one message saying that it was going to be an entirely unsafe day, to which he responded "I'm very sorry about that, but I told you before there may be the occasional day of text silence." Jackass. Apparently me expecting a brief hello message was too much to ask.

Later in the day I was heading out to run some errands and return some things from Christmas. Our plan was that I would be out for when he was done work, so that we could see each other for a quick coffee. He texted just as I was about to leave the house that Steve's van had broken down (a co-worker) and that he had to give him a ride home after work, therefore we wouldn't be able to meet up.

I said that was fine, I was half expecting something to come up anyways. We both have terrible track-records for something coming up at the last minute, and having to cancel on each other. But then he was all defensive about it: "What's that supposed to mean? Why did you expect me to cancel?"

I told him because it was his first day back to work in about two weeks, so I figured he'd be busy, plus I reminded him about our track-record. That seemed to placate him, and we continued texting (very innocent messages) while I was out.

Just before I got home I texted for him to have a good evening, and he did the same. We always do this before one of us gets home, but it never means we're done talking for the day - there are always emails and texts afterwards, whenever one of us can steal away for a moment.

But last night there was nothing from him.
This morning he texted me "Good morning Katiecat!" like nothing was amiss.

Now with him being so weird, my mind automatically goes to "Well he must not feel the same way about me anymore. Has he decided to end this whole thing, but just doesn't want to tell me? Why is he being such a jackass?!?"

I asked him yesterday if we were done. He was mad. Wanted to know why the hell I would ever think that.

Uh, hello? Maybe because you're basically ignoring me?

I don't know what is going through that mind of his, or what's going on, but I've decided that I'm going to let him do the work for now. It's always me accommodating his schedule (because it's easier for me to get out), me worrying about his feelings, he hasn't told me he misses me unless I say it first in about a week, and the really stupid part? When I'm irked at him like this, I always end up feeling bad for feeling this way at all, and totally letting him off the hook! Stupid.

If he still wants me, he knows how to find me.

Friday, January 2, 2009

On Christmas and Being a Needy Girl

Whoa. I've been gone for a week and half, and it honestly feels more like a month! I see I've got some reading ahead of me to catch up on all the posts I've missed from everyone else...which may actually be hard to do this weekend since SH will be home for once. Ah well, slowly but surely I'll read everything :) And Happy New Year to you all!

So, Christmas. It was interesting. I never did get that phone call with TDH on Christmas day, though I did get to talk to him a couple other times throughout the holidays. Christmas day though, was peppered with messages from him, including my favourite: Good morning and Merry Christmas Katiecat! Miss you so much. Wish you were curled up next to me in bed.

But I didn't hear from him nearly as much as I'd hoped to, and when I asked about it, he told me that his wife was on high alert, figuring since it was Christmas I would definitely be trying to contact him. She was basically glued to him the entire time, and was randomly checking his phone for incoming and outgoing texts and calls. Not exactly a safe situation.

I don't know about anyone else, but I find that often times when I'm away from TDH for an extended period of time - which for us is anything more than a week - I begin to feel a little insecure in our relationship. It's easy to see things that aren't really there, or to dream up that he's being distant, when you're just getting a text message every once in a while.

Usually when I'm away I go through a little phase of thinking maybe he's changed his mind, but then when I'm back in town he's always quick to pick up on it and put my mind at ease. I hate feeling like a needy girl so I try to keep it to myself, but sometimes I just can't help it.

The last time I saw him was December 19th (that's 2 weeks ago - torture!), so this morning he sneaked downstairs with his laptop, and we both got on msn so we could see each other. He spent the first 5 minutes gushing about how gorgeous he thought I looked, and I sat there with a stupid grin plastered on my face because as usual, I was thinking the same thing about him. But still, he seemed a bit standoff-ish.

Then I told him how over the holidays I half-confessed what was going on between us to my best friend. I was surprised to find her being very supportive, because she knows what's been going on between SH and I as well, but she was great about it. I stopped short of telling her that TDH and I had done anything physical, but did tell her that it was definitely an emotional affair.

TDH was surprised that I had told her as much as I had, but then he asked "And did you tell her that I'm completely in love with you?"

And with that one simple question, all was right with the world again. So much for not being a needy girl :)