Thursday, January 8, 2009

Update on the TDH Situation

After our phone conversation on Tuesday where I was slammed with him finding my blog, I got a few more text messages from him before his wife got home and it was completely unsafe.
It seems that the part of my post that bothered him the most was when I said that I was leaving the work up to him for now, and in particular, the last line "If he still wants me, he knows how to find me."
He sent me a text about that line that said The one thing I do know is that this will not become a single sided driven relationship. I am not going to "do all the work" - it's equal effort or nothing.

Then he said it was unsafe to text back because his wife was around, and we would talk about it more on Wednesday - aaaah! To get a message like that and not be able to defend yourself is a terrible feeling. I do know he was taking things the wrong way because his feelings were hurt about the entire thing, but holy, talk about taking things out of context!

So yesterday morning I tried to explain to him that if he had stood back and looked at that entire paragraph, I was referring to him putting in the effort with texts, saying he missed me, initiating us seeing each other, that stuff. He normally is great with that stuff, but as of late I've been feeling sort of ignored.

We went back and forth via text on it, and I tried to get him to understand that it was my insecurity talking, not how I felt about our relationship. In the end, I decided that no matter what I told him, he had to work through it himself, which he basically told me anyways.

Finally I just sent him a message that said Are we going to recover from this? Because honestly, I've never had him mad at me before, and the way he was talking the night before, I thought we were probably over. He came back with If you're interested in recovering, then sure, why not? To tell you the truth, I was almost surprised.

Around lunch yesterday I sent him a "normal" text asking how work was going, to which he sent me a polite answer, and that continued throughout the day, with him sounding a little more like himself with each message. Late in the afternoon I had to run out to do some errands, so we arranged for me to call him.

Oh my. The first 15 minutes of that conversation were awkward to say the least, but half an hour later we had each other laughing, and were talking fairly normally.

Today we've been texting all day, and we both seem to be in good spirits. Thank god.


The one thing I've learned from this entire fight, is that my insecurity is what leads to a lot of misunderstandings we have. He actually made that painfully clear (unintentionally) when during our phone fight he said "I thought I had made it perfectly clear to you the way I feel about you. I was 100% confident in our relationship and us being together, how can you be so unsure?"
And when I really think about it, besides going through the occasional "We can't have sex anymore" moment, he has never given me any reason to doubt him, to doubt the way he feels about me, to doubt that he loves me.

I was never insecure with SH, and now it's almost as though I don't exist most of the time in his eyes, outside of being a roommate. I wonder then if I'm overly insecure with TDH, because I'm scared of the same thing happening with him?


Anonymous said...

Of course you're very secure and you feel very secure. The prospect of losing that security--that emotional, physical, mental security--with him is terrifying.

I'm glad things are getting better.

Somehow, I think you have the ability to "put the world back on its axis" for him the way he does for you...


Krazy said...

You're not alone. The same thing happens to me. If we don't have contact for a few days I start wondering if he has changed his mind about us, or if he is getting comfortable seeing me once a week, or worse... I begin to imagine something wrong is happening and he is avoiding telling me the news (it's happened before).

You'll be fine, just give it a few days.

I.R. Shackleford said...

i think Krazy is right... i've learned if you can just back off and gain a perspective it's best. but, if you are anything like me, backing off is one of the most difficult things in the world to do.

Freak At Heart said...

What a rough couple of day for you! Keep you chin up!

The Other Woman said...

Hang in there!

L. said...

Always good to know what pushes our buttons. Even better when someone else knows how to "unpush" them.

Interesting question at the end, which I paraphrase as: can passion last outside the structure of an illicit relationship?

I'd kill to know the answer to that one.

Anonymous said...

Arguments are difficult in these extra marital situations. They tend to take so much longer to settle. There just isn't enough time to sit down and talk without someone walking in. You can't have a natural conversation. Were it a "normal" relationship this whole thing would have been over in 15 minutes.

It's something I have to remind myself of. I'm so happy things are back on track. :)

LiLu said...

"I thought I had made it perfectly clear to you the way I feel about you. I was 100% confident in our relationship and us being together, how can you be so unsure?"

Boys are different. My guy always says this to me when we argue, and our problems generally stem from me needing to HEAR, often, how he feels. I can't explain it, it's just an emotional need women have, I think, whereas men are cool with stating the facts like "I love you" and then assuming that statement stands until something changes. Billy Joel said it best... TELL HER ABOUT IT. Tell her often.

frances said...

texting and email can ALWAYS lead to insecurity and fights. it's just so easy to take things the wrong way are be insecure when the other can't text. it's natural if you think about it, but that doesn't make it any easier to deal with...