Monday, January 19, 2009

The Day I Let the "L-word" Take Over

Darling Daughter (DD) was born last year. That first night after she was born, I barely slept. She seemed only to be content nestled up to my chest, and SH didn't sleep either, sitting up in an uncomfortable chair in my hospital room.

The second night was more of the same, so by the time that morning rolled around, we were beyond exhausted. We were to be discharged from the hospital by lunch, so while SH was taking care of the paperwork, I flipped by cell phone on for the first time in three days. Seconds after I turned it on, there was a succession of dings as messages began coming through, and I delighted in reading all the congratulations. In the middle of all those, there was one from TDH, it read: Hi. It's 3am and I'm awake and thinking about you :) I hope you're having a great night. I miss you - a lot.

I texted him back immediately (since by now it was around 9am) and he was happy to hear from me. He asked me how the baby was, how the birth went, if I was okay. I told him that we were fine, and that I would love to be able to see him, and introduce him to my daughter. He replied: That would make me incredibly happy :) oh God Kate, you do crazy things to me - I miss you so damn much.

I remember teasing him about being so mushy - he never has had a problem telling me his feelings - but in that moment his messages just seemed so much more vulnerable (hard to tell via text I realize, but to me it was obvious). When I asked him about his emotions, he said: I don't know, when you love someone eventually the flood gates can't hold it all back anymore :)

I also remember at that moment thinking to myself "This is completely insane! I just gave birth, I'm sitting here waiting for SH to pack us up to go home, and all I can think of is my lover, and how much I wish he were here right now."

I told TDH as much, saying that he must be crazy for feeling this way about a woman that just gave birth to a child that wasn't even his. He replied: The only crazy in my life is that I'm crazy about you Katiecat :)

I, of course, was sitting there with the biggest, goofiest grin on my face - high on my new baby, and the fact that he was being so amazing - when I snapped to my senses and told him that I should really go, because SH would be back soon. I said I'd try to get out to see him as soon as possible. He sent one last message that day that said: Perfect :) well I better go before he comes back. I love you Kate, and miss you like crazy.

And that exact moment is when I finally let my heart melt into the puddle it had been threatening for so long, and admit that I really loved him. Like really and truly loved him. And not only that, but I was in love with him.

I had known it long before that, but had always kept it at bay. He had told me several times during moments of passion that he loved me, and I always responded that I loved him too (because I knew I did), but this was different. This wasn't us in the middle of a sexual frenzy. This was him at home, worrying and missing me, and seeing me looking my most horrific after having just had a baby (SH was sending photos of DD and I from his phone to everyone), and yet still feeling the way he did.

I posted pictures of DD and I a couple days later on facebook - me still looking ghostly pale, with huge black circles under my eyes from lack of sleep - and he was emailing me instantly, telling me that I had never looked more gorgeous, and that he couldn't wait to wrap his arms around me and just hold me.

Now how is an exhausted woman, euphoric on her new baby, supposed to contend with that?

LOL - I know, I know. I was in over my head long before that moment :)


Krazy said...

Wow, that was pretty intense. He must really love you!

asweetnectar said...

Holy smokes. I think you do know if you are in too deep long before you say it.

Lionia said...

That is really just amazing. Obviously, you two have a real and deep love. I am so happy that you were able to find such an amazing connection with someone. You should hold on to this moment (as you obviously have) and retrieve it whenever you feel doubt.

His Other Woman said...

I agree with Lionia. Hold moments like these close to your heart, and remember them when you have your moments of doubt. Sounds like he does love you :)

Anonymous said...

You have a pretty intense relationship going. I can see why you let the L-word take over.

The Other Woman said...

Wow! Beautiful moments.

L. said...

Shit. Where's a time machine when you need one? Or a clone machine. Why can't we live multiple lives in the now?

You're right: you are so way in over your head on this one.

Anonymous said...

Wow is right. In over your head is an understatement....and I only know b/c I've been there...

Cate said...

What a beautiful memory! OK, completely insane in some respects, but beautiful nonetheless.

The hard part is that moment it hits you, it's already too late. I wish I had some great advice but I am hopeless at this stuff too.

Cate xxx