Sunday, January 31, 2010

The Email

This is what was waiting for me that day...

So it's been almost 2 months since you've talked to me - and even before that - for the last while - when we talked your level of interest in what I had to say seemed pretty low. I was realizing that you may in fact be losing interest in me altogether and that the hassles of even talking to me were possibly getting to the point of not being worth it.
One day after a particularly brief and one sided conversation I realized, wow, I'm taking a lot of risk here for someone that doesn't seem to want to put any effort into continued communication. So... I decided to slow the communication down from my end to see what happened. You once told me that if I stopped talking to you, you would find a way to contact me... and that you'd never let me slip away... that didn't happen.... My g-mail sat empty for possibly the longest 2 months of my life as I waited patiently and with extreme hope that I was wrong. I checked my inbox daily hoping to get a message from you at least questioning the lack of least expressing concern as to why I had possibly stopped communication. Nothing.
So here I am... 2 months later, realizing and coming to terms with the fact that you really did not care about me, or our relationship as much as I'd thought you did. I don't know when you decided that you would only continue it if I did all the work. I don't know when you decided to give up on something I risked so much for... I don't know a lot of things. What I do know is that realizing more and more as the days went on that your attitude towards us (at least to the outside) was actually pretty selfish, cut me deep.
I guess the reason I'm finally writing this is because if our relationship is actually officially over - which is how it seems at least from here -then it should have an official end. I guess that's how things are done right? or do people just go their separate ways and avoid all contact once things collapse??
Just know this Kate... You meant a lot to me... you still do. You were a major and very significant part of my life. I will never forget you. The wound that was created by your lack of effort to make any contact as days turned to weeks will take time to heal... a long time. I'm guessing 10 years from now I'll still wonder on almost a daily basis how you're doing. I'll wonder what could have been if only you'd sent me one e-mail asking me"hey, whats up!?" Even just a simple "?"- I also completely understand that these wounds I now carry are partially self inflicted... I did after all decide to put a stop to my texts for a bit. I just never in a million years suspected you'd just roll with it and take it in stride. I would have bet money you cared enough about our relationship to at least see what was up. But nope... I guess I'm not always right after all!
So, at least according to twitter/blogger you seem to be doing well. It seems your work situation has improved somewhat.. and you seem to be having fun on the"road of life" so to say. I'm sorry that I'm not part of it. Sorry also to have thought you really wanted me to be part of it...
Hm... so what's the point of this e-mail? - I don't know. Perhaps to let you know what I've been feeling. To give you answers? To apologize for playing games? - Perhaps the "chick" inside me (that we've always joked about) needed to write this as some sort of closure? perhaps I was hoping for hope? Who knows... whatever my subconscious intentions where, here it is... all laid out for you to do with as you please.
I have always and will always love you Kate. I will always remember you with a smile on my face. I will always remember your smile, your laugh, your wit, your mind... all of that. You are an amazing woman. Hope others in your life get the honor of seeing in you what I saw.

What would you do with an email like this?

Tuesday, January 26, 2010

It's Been a While...

So, hi! Talk about falling off the face of the earth, right? I've been gone for somewhere around six months, maybe more.
I have no idea if anyone even checks in here anymore, or even what anyone has been up to, but still I want to thank everyone that emailed me while I was away. Your care and thoughtfulness mean so much to me.
I suppose I should start with what happened to make me disappear...

As some of you may remember, TDH and I were back into the thick of things with our affair. We were hot into it, but still something was up. Something I couldn't quite put my finger on, but that I knew was there.
One night I was out with a bunch of girlfriends and he was texting me. Near the end of my evening, he texted that he had to go, but that we'd talk the next day. I told him goodnight and never thought anything else about it.
The next day came and went with no contact from him. Odd, but I decided not to think much of it, because I knew he occasionally had a day when his wife was literally velcroed to him.
The following day went by, again with no contact. I was a little miffed, but thought maybe something was just going on at home.
I decided that if I didn't hear anything by the next day, I'd email him. (I don't know if anyone remembers, but because of being found out the year before, I never texted him first anymore, just to be safe.) When that fourth day rolled around however, I was pissed. What was his problem? Why was he being such an ass? I thought he'd contact me soon enough, and that when he did I'd find out once and for all what was up. But he never did.

Not for two months.

And I never contacted him either.

I was this strange mix of heartbroken, angry, irritated, incredulous...and in a weird way, relieved. Relieved that it was over, that finally the affair was done once and for all. But unbelievably sad at the same time, because when all the crap was scraped away, I loved him, and clearly he didn't feel the same way.

So I wiped his link from my vanilla blog, deleted him from my twitter account, never went to his side of the city, quit listening to the music he'd introduced me to, stopped wearing clothes I knew he liked me to wear, and basically did everything I could to lock any thoughts about him far, far away.

About three times during those two months I allowed myself to check his blog. Each time I would read quickly, scanning, trying to see if there was some sort of clue about what had happened, what was going on, but nothing. I would shut the window after about 10 minutes, feeling sick to my stomach and angry at myself for slipping up.

Then one day, I decided that I had to email him. I had to at least say what I needed to say, to tell him exactly what I thought, so that I could move on completely, and not think about him anymore. I logged on to Twitter and saw a tweet he had put up just hours before. It said something along the lines of "I guess two months of no contact should be enough of a sign..." and then just moments before I logged in "I'll check my email once more, then I may as well delete that account."

This infuriated me beyond belief, as I knew those messages were both for me. I logged into my gmail to write him a scathing message, but as the page loaded, I saw an email from him waiting for me...