I have no idea if anyone even checks in here anymore, or even what anyone has been up to, but still I want to thank everyone that emailed me while I was away. Your care and thoughtfulness mean so much to me.
I suppose I should start with what happened to make me disappear...
As some of you may remember, TDH and I were back into the thick of things with our affair. We were hot into it, but still something was up. Something I couldn't quite put my finger on, but that I knew was there.
One night I was out with a bunch of girlfriends and he was texting me. Near the end of my evening, he texted that he had to go, but that we'd talk the next day. I told him goodnight and never thought anything else about it.
The next day came and went with no contact from him. Odd, but I decided not to think much of it, because I knew he occasionally had a day when his wife was literally velcroed to him.
The following day went by, again with no contact. I was a little miffed, but thought maybe something was just going on at home.
I decided that if I didn't hear anything by the next day, I'd email him. (I don't know if anyone remembers, but because of being found out the year before, I never texted him first anymore, just to be safe.) When that fourth day rolled around however, I was pissed. What was his problem? Why was he being such an ass? I thought he'd contact me soon enough, and that when he did I'd find out once and for all what was up. But he never did.
Not for two months.
And I never contacted him either.
I was this strange mix of heartbroken, angry, irritated, incredulous...and in a weird way, relieved. Relieved that it was over, that finally the affair was done once and for all. But unbelievably sad at the same time, because when all the crap was scraped away, I loved him, and clearly he didn't feel the same way.
So I wiped his link from my vanilla blog, deleted him from my twitter account, never went to his side of the city, quit listening to the music he'd introduced me to, stopped wearing clothes I knew he liked me to wear, and basically did everything I could to lock any thoughts about him far, far away.
About three times during those two months I allowed myself to check his blog. Each time I would read quickly, scanning, trying to see if there was some sort of clue about what had happened, what was going on, but nothing. I would shut the window after about 10 minutes, feeling sick to my stomach and angry at myself for slipping up.
Then one day, I decided that I had to email him. I had to at least say what I needed to say, to tell him exactly what I thought, so that I could move on completely, and not think about him anymore. I logged on to Twitter and saw a tweet he had put up just hours before. It said something along the lines of "I guess two months of no contact should be enough of a sign..." and then just moments before I logged in "I'll check my email once more, then I may as well delete that account."
This infuriated me beyond belief, as I knew those messages were both for me. I logged into my gmail to write him a scathing message, but as the page loaded, I saw an email from him waiting for me...