Wednesday, May 5, 2010

And time keeps ticking by...

Again, months have passed since I've been here.

I left my last post with an unfinished story. Long story short, it ended up with weeks and weeks of him begging me to let him back in my life, in any capacity. I eventually caved, though it was with worry and apprehension.
The affair aside, I missed him. Missed everything about him. How he made me laugh, how I could be myself with him, his intelligence and wit, the comfort of being anywhere with him...just everything.
The first month was spent getting to know each other again. It was as though we hadn't seen each other in years. And the first time we were alone together he kissed me, and tried to do much more than that. I resisted. For the first time ever, I told him no. My heart was too fragile to just jump back into it like that.
Then I asked him if we could go for a walk, and I told him what had happened over the summer. I told him that my doctors thought I had cancer. And what that had been like, and how scared I was, and how relieved I was when I found out after tests and the longest waiting period of my life, that I actually didn't have it. And I showed him the scar, where they had taken out pieces of me to test.
And then he stopped walking, and took my hand, and pulled me against his chest, and he cried. Sobbed actually, because he hadn't been there when I needed him the most. And I hate to say it, but I was happy he lost it like that. Because for once he was realizing what it was like to lose me, instead of me always having to deal with losing him.
After that conversation, he looked at me with new eyes. More appreciative I think, which was nice.
And time went by. And we saw each other, but never as often as before. I didn't care though, because I had him back in my life, and the ache began to go away. It wasn't exactly how it was before, because now it was more just being together. Our time together was more intimate, even in public, and he touched me and looked at me so tenderly, like something you'd see in a movie. And he sang to me, which, if you knew me at all, you would understand how that would affect me.

But, as our relationship had always been a roller coaster, why would this time be any different?

One morning I got up to find seven texts from him waiting for me. The first telling me to change my voicemail so it wasn't me saying "You've reached Kate..." Then another saying his wife had found his cell phone bill, and knew he had been talking to someone every morning. And on and on like that until the last message, when he said "I told her it was you, she knows we've been in touch. I'll call you later."

Well, fuck.

If you've been here for a while, you know that we had been caught before, by his wife, and as far as she knew, we hadn't talked in over a year.

That day was close to the most stressful of my life. He called me from a payphone on his way to work, and explained how she had confronted him with his cell phone bill. He said that he had confessed we had been talking, but that was all, and that we had never met up in person. He told me she was thinking about calling my husband to tell him. Then he said he'd call me later somehow. I promised him I'd try to smooth things over with her if she called.

In the end, she emailed me. And though it killed me to do it, I emailed her back. I told her that I was sorry, and that the affair was over, and this had just been he and I maintaining a friendship. I asked her not to tell my husband (as she had threatened in her email to me), and said if she would agree to that, she would never hear my name again. That I would never contact TDH again as long as I lived.

She actually emailed me back, nicely - if that was even possible, and thanked me for my honesty. She said she wasn't going to tell my husband, and I sent her back a one liner thank you.

That was about...six or seven weeks ago. I haven't heard from TDH since.

That surprised me, truthfully, because I thought he would at least find a way to talk to me. Even if just to say that our relationship, in all capacities, had to end. But nothing.

I've made my peace with it though. My heart has begun to quit hurting, and I've started to close off the pieces of my brain and heart that he held.

And so I've decided to end this blog. I'm going to leave it up, in case anyone else can learn from my mistakes. I will check in on the rest of you from time to time though, as I do now when I have a moment. I can't thank any of you enough for the comments of support, and the emails to check in on me when I hadn't been around for a while. I do love you all, and I'll never forget your part in this time of my life.

I'm going to end this with what I would say to TDH if I could see him once more, with what I would say to close the door to his piece of my heart for good...

You're welcome for being your cheerleader, no matter what it was you were trying for, and no matter who else told you that you would fail. You're welcome for all the times I told you how amazing and funny and intelligent you are. You're welcome for always believing in you. You're welcome for all the love I gave to you, and for how much of my life and soul I gave up for you. You're welcome for all the times I held your hands, and came to sit in waiting rooms with you in the middle of the night when a spot opened up for you to have an MRI or CT scan done.* You're welcome for the fact that I would always drive to where you are, to make it easier for you. You're welcome for the best sex of your life (his words). You're welcome for all the music I introduced to you, for all the things I taught you, and for always giving you all of me.

And thank you for making me feel like the most beautiful woman you'd ever seen. For appreciating my sense of humour, for giving me self confidence, for appreciating me at work. For the time when I finally sang to you, and for you telling me that you could never hear enough of my voice. For teaching me how to shoot, and for telling me how hot I looked with a .357 Magnum in my hands, hitting targets like it was nobody's business. Thank you for appreciating my body, to the point where I began to not totally despise the way I look. Thank you for loving me - even though you also broke my heart, more than once - I never felt more loved than by you. You'll always own a little part of me, and though it hurts, I will never regret you being a part of my life. I've loved you and will love you.

*He had some health problems which he was forever having tests for.