Wednesday, May 5, 2010

And time keeps ticking by...

Again, months have passed since I've been here.

I left my last post with an unfinished story. Long story short, it ended up with weeks and weeks of him begging me to let him back in my life, in any capacity. I eventually caved, though it was with worry and apprehension.
The affair aside, I missed him. Missed everything about him. How he made me laugh, how I could be myself with him, his intelligence and wit, the comfort of being anywhere with him...just everything.
The first month was spent getting to know each other again. It was as though we hadn't seen each other in years. And the first time we were alone together he kissed me, and tried to do much more than that. I resisted. For the first time ever, I told him no. My heart was too fragile to just jump back into it like that.
Then I asked him if we could go for a walk, and I told him what had happened over the summer. I told him that my doctors thought I had cancer. And what that had been like, and how scared I was, and how relieved I was when I found out after tests and the longest waiting period of my life, that I actually didn't have it. And I showed him the scar, where they had taken out pieces of me to test.
And then he stopped walking, and took my hand, and pulled me against his chest, and he cried. Sobbed actually, because he hadn't been there when I needed him the most. And I hate to say it, but I was happy he lost it like that. Because for once he was realizing what it was like to lose me, instead of me always having to deal with losing him.
After that conversation, he looked at me with new eyes. More appreciative I think, which was nice.
And time went by. And we saw each other, but never as often as before. I didn't care though, because I had him back in my life, and the ache began to go away. It wasn't exactly how it was before, because now it was more just being together. Our time together was more intimate, even in public, and he touched me and looked at me so tenderly, like something you'd see in a movie. And he sang to me, which, if you knew me at all, you would understand how that would affect me.

But, as our relationship had always been a roller coaster, why would this time be any different?

One morning I got up to find seven texts from him waiting for me. The first telling me to change my voicemail so it wasn't me saying "You've reached Kate..." Then another saying his wife had found his cell phone bill, and knew he had been talking to someone every morning. And on and on like that until the last message, when he said "I told her it was you, she knows we've been in touch. I'll call you later."

Well, fuck.

If you've been here for a while, you know that we had been caught before, by his wife, and as far as she knew, we hadn't talked in over a year.

That day was close to the most stressful of my life. He called me from a payphone on his way to work, and explained how she had confronted him with his cell phone bill. He said that he had confessed we had been talking, but that was all, and that we had never met up in person. He told me she was thinking about calling my husband to tell him. Then he said he'd call me later somehow. I promised him I'd try to smooth things over with her if she called.

In the end, she emailed me. And though it killed me to do it, I emailed her back. I told her that I was sorry, and that the affair was over, and this had just been he and I maintaining a friendship. I asked her not to tell my husband (as she had threatened in her email to me), and said if she would agree to that, she would never hear my name again. That I would never contact TDH again as long as I lived.

She actually emailed me back, nicely - if that was even possible, and thanked me for my honesty. She said she wasn't going to tell my husband, and I sent her back a one liner thank you.

That was about...six or seven weeks ago. I haven't heard from TDH since.

That surprised me, truthfully, because I thought he would at least find a way to talk to me. Even if just to say that our relationship, in all capacities, had to end. But nothing.

I've made my peace with it though. My heart has begun to quit hurting, and I've started to close off the pieces of my brain and heart that he held.

And so I've decided to end this blog. I'm going to leave it up, in case anyone else can learn from my mistakes. I will check in on the rest of you from time to time though, as I do now when I have a moment. I can't thank any of you enough for the comments of support, and the emails to check in on me when I hadn't been around for a while. I do love you all, and I'll never forget your part in this time of my life.

I'm going to end this with what I would say to TDH if I could see him once more, with what I would say to close the door to his piece of my heart for good...

You're welcome for being your cheerleader, no matter what it was you were trying for, and no matter who else told you that you would fail. You're welcome for all the times I told you how amazing and funny and intelligent you are. You're welcome for always believing in you. You're welcome for all the love I gave to you, and for how much of my life and soul I gave up for you. You're welcome for all the times I held your hands, and came to sit in waiting rooms with you in the middle of the night when a spot opened up for you to have an MRI or CT scan done.* You're welcome for the fact that I would always drive to where you are, to make it easier for you. You're welcome for the best sex of your life (his words). You're welcome for all the music I introduced to you, for all the things I taught you, and for always giving you all of me.

And thank you for making me feel like the most beautiful woman you'd ever seen. For appreciating my sense of humour, for giving me self confidence, for appreciating me at work. For the time when I finally sang to you, and for you telling me that you could never hear enough of my voice. For teaching me how to shoot, and for telling me how hot I looked with a .357 Magnum in my hands, hitting targets like it was nobody's business. Thank you for appreciating my body, to the point where I began to not totally despise the way I look. Thank you for loving me - even though you also broke my heart, more than once - I never felt more loved than by you. You'll always own a little part of me, and though it hurts, I will never regret you being a part of my life. I've loved you and will love you.

*He had some health problems which he was forever having tests for.

Sunday, January 31, 2010

The Email

This is what was waiting for me that day...

So it's been almost 2 months since you've talked to me - and even before that - for the last while - when we talked your level of interest in what I had to say seemed pretty low. I was realizing that you may in fact be losing interest in me altogether and that the hassles of even talking to me were possibly getting to the point of not being worth it.
One day after a particularly brief and one sided conversation I realized, wow, I'm taking a lot of risk here for someone that doesn't seem to want to put any effort into continued communication. So... I decided to slow the communication down from my end to see what happened. You once told me that if I stopped talking to you, you would find a way to contact me... and that you'd never let me slip away... that didn't happen.... My g-mail sat empty for possibly the longest 2 months of my life as I waited patiently and with extreme hope that I was wrong. I checked my inbox daily hoping to get a message from you at least questioning the lack of least expressing concern as to why I had possibly stopped communication. Nothing.
So here I am... 2 months later, realizing and coming to terms with the fact that you really did not care about me, or our relationship as much as I'd thought you did. I don't know when you decided that you would only continue it if I did all the work. I don't know when you decided to give up on something I risked so much for... I don't know a lot of things. What I do know is that realizing more and more as the days went on that your attitude towards us (at least to the outside) was actually pretty selfish, cut me deep.
I guess the reason I'm finally writing this is because if our relationship is actually officially over - which is how it seems at least from here -then it should have an official end. I guess that's how things are done right? or do people just go their separate ways and avoid all contact once things collapse??
Just know this Kate... You meant a lot to me... you still do. You were a major and very significant part of my life. I will never forget you. The wound that was created by your lack of effort to make any contact as days turned to weeks will take time to heal... a long time. I'm guessing 10 years from now I'll still wonder on almost a daily basis how you're doing. I'll wonder what could have been if only you'd sent me one e-mail asking me"hey, whats up!?" Even just a simple "?"- I also completely understand that these wounds I now carry are partially self inflicted... I did after all decide to put a stop to my texts for a bit. I just never in a million years suspected you'd just roll with it and take it in stride. I would have bet money you cared enough about our relationship to at least see what was up. But nope... I guess I'm not always right after all!
So, at least according to twitter/blogger you seem to be doing well. It seems your work situation has improved somewhat.. and you seem to be having fun on the"road of life" so to say. I'm sorry that I'm not part of it. Sorry also to have thought you really wanted me to be part of it...
Hm... so what's the point of this e-mail? - I don't know. Perhaps to let you know what I've been feeling. To give you answers? To apologize for playing games? - Perhaps the "chick" inside me (that we've always joked about) needed to write this as some sort of closure? perhaps I was hoping for hope? Who knows... whatever my subconscious intentions where, here it is... all laid out for you to do with as you please.
I have always and will always love you Kate. I will always remember you with a smile on my face. I will always remember your smile, your laugh, your wit, your mind... all of that. You are an amazing woman. Hope others in your life get the honor of seeing in you what I saw.

What would you do with an email like this?

Tuesday, January 26, 2010

It's Been a While...

So, hi! Talk about falling off the face of the earth, right? I've been gone for somewhere around six months, maybe more.
I have no idea if anyone even checks in here anymore, or even what anyone has been up to, but still I want to thank everyone that emailed me while I was away. Your care and thoughtfulness mean so much to me.
I suppose I should start with what happened to make me disappear...

As some of you may remember, TDH and I were back into the thick of things with our affair. We were hot into it, but still something was up. Something I couldn't quite put my finger on, but that I knew was there.
One night I was out with a bunch of girlfriends and he was texting me. Near the end of my evening, he texted that he had to go, but that we'd talk the next day. I told him goodnight and never thought anything else about it.
The next day came and went with no contact from him. Odd, but I decided not to think much of it, because I knew he occasionally had a day when his wife was literally velcroed to him.
The following day went by, again with no contact. I was a little miffed, but thought maybe something was just going on at home.
I decided that if I didn't hear anything by the next day, I'd email him. (I don't know if anyone remembers, but because of being found out the year before, I never texted him first anymore, just to be safe.) When that fourth day rolled around however, I was pissed. What was his problem? Why was he being such an ass? I thought he'd contact me soon enough, and that when he did I'd find out once and for all what was up. But he never did.

Not for two months.

And I never contacted him either.

I was this strange mix of heartbroken, angry, irritated, incredulous...and in a weird way, relieved. Relieved that it was over, that finally the affair was done once and for all. But unbelievably sad at the same time, because when all the crap was scraped away, I loved him, and clearly he didn't feel the same way.

So I wiped his link from my vanilla blog, deleted him from my twitter account, never went to his side of the city, quit listening to the music he'd introduced me to, stopped wearing clothes I knew he liked me to wear, and basically did everything I could to lock any thoughts about him far, far away.

About three times during those two months I allowed myself to check his blog. Each time I would read quickly, scanning, trying to see if there was some sort of clue about what had happened, what was going on, but nothing. I would shut the window after about 10 minutes, feeling sick to my stomach and angry at myself for slipping up.

Then one day, I decided that I had to email him. I had to at least say what I needed to say, to tell him exactly what I thought, so that I could move on completely, and not think about him anymore. I logged on to Twitter and saw a tweet he had put up just hours before. It said something along the lines of "I guess two months of no contact should be enough of a sign..." and then just moments before I logged in "I'll check my email once more, then I may as well delete that account."

This infuriated me beyond belief, as I knew those messages were both for me. I logged into my gmail to write him a scathing message, but as the page loaded, I saw an email from him waiting for me...