Wednesday, May 5, 2010

And time keeps ticking by...

Again, months have passed since I've been here.

I left my last post with an unfinished story. Long story short, it ended up with weeks and weeks of him begging me to let him back in my life, in any capacity. I eventually caved, though it was with worry and apprehension.
The affair aside, I missed him. Missed everything about him. How he made me laugh, how I could be myself with him, his intelligence and wit, the comfort of being anywhere with him...just everything.
The first month was spent getting to know each other again. It was as though we hadn't seen each other in years. And the first time we were alone together he kissed me, and tried to do much more than that. I resisted. For the first time ever, I told him no. My heart was too fragile to just jump back into it like that.
Then I asked him if we could go for a walk, and I told him what had happened over the summer. I told him that my doctors thought I had cancer. And what that had been like, and how scared I was, and how relieved I was when I found out after tests and the longest waiting period of my life, that I actually didn't have it. And I showed him the scar, where they had taken out pieces of me to test.
And then he stopped walking, and took my hand, and pulled me against his chest, and he cried. Sobbed actually, because he hadn't been there when I needed him the most. And I hate to say it, but I was happy he lost it like that. Because for once he was realizing what it was like to lose me, instead of me always having to deal with losing him.
After that conversation, he looked at me with new eyes. More appreciative I think, which was nice.
And time went by. And we saw each other, but never as often as before. I didn't care though, because I had him back in my life, and the ache began to go away. It wasn't exactly how it was before, because now it was more just being together. Our time together was more intimate, even in public, and he touched me and looked at me so tenderly, like something you'd see in a movie. And he sang to me, which, if you knew me at all, you would understand how that would affect me.

But, as our relationship had always been a roller coaster, why would this time be any different?

One morning I got up to find seven texts from him waiting for me. The first telling me to change my voicemail so it wasn't me saying "You've reached Kate..." Then another saying his wife had found his cell phone bill, and knew he had been talking to someone every morning. And on and on like that until the last message, when he said "I told her it was you, she knows we've been in touch. I'll call you later."

Well, fuck.

If you've been here for a while, you know that we had been caught before, by his wife, and as far as she knew, we hadn't talked in over a year.

That day was close to the most stressful of my life. He called me from a payphone on his way to work, and explained how she had confronted him with his cell phone bill. He said that he had confessed we had been talking, but that was all, and that we had never met up in person. He told me she was thinking about calling my husband to tell him. Then he said he'd call me later somehow. I promised him I'd try to smooth things over with her if she called.

In the end, she emailed me. And though it killed me to do it, I emailed her back. I told her that I was sorry, and that the affair was over, and this had just been he and I maintaining a friendship. I asked her not to tell my husband (as she had threatened in her email to me), and said if she would agree to that, she would never hear my name again. That I would never contact TDH again as long as I lived.

She actually emailed me back, nicely - if that was even possible, and thanked me for my honesty. She said she wasn't going to tell my husband, and I sent her back a one liner thank you.

That was about...six or seven weeks ago. I haven't heard from TDH since.

That surprised me, truthfully, because I thought he would at least find a way to talk to me. Even if just to say that our relationship, in all capacities, had to end. But nothing.

I've made my peace with it though. My heart has begun to quit hurting, and I've started to close off the pieces of my brain and heart that he held.

And so I've decided to end this blog. I'm going to leave it up, in case anyone else can learn from my mistakes. I will check in on the rest of you from time to time though, as I do now when I have a moment. I can't thank any of you enough for the comments of support, and the emails to check in on me when I hadn't been around for a while. I do love you all, and I'll never forget your part in this time of my life.

I'm going to end this with what I would say to TDH if I could see him once more, with what I would say to close the door to his piece of my heart for good...

You're welcome for being your cheerleader, no matter what it was you were trying for, and no matter who else told you that you would fail. You're welcome for all the times I told you how amazing and funny and intelligent you are. You're welcome for always believing in you. You're welcome for all the love I gave to you, and for how much of my life and soul I gave up for you. You're welcome for all the times I held your hands, and came to sit in waiting rooms with you in the middle of the night when a spot opened up for you to have an MRI or CT scan done.* You're welcome for the fact that I would always drive to where you are, to make it easier for you. You're welcome for the best sex of your life (his words). You're welcome for all the music I introduced to you, for all the things I taught you, and for always giving you all of me.

And thank you for making me feel like the most beautiful woman you'd ever seen. For appreciating my sense of humour, for giving me self confidence, for appreciating me at work. For the time when I finally sang to you, and for you telling me that you could never hear enough of my voice. For teaching me how to shoot, and for telling me how hot I looked with a .357 Magnum in my hands, hitting targets like it was nobody's business. Thank you for appreciating my body, to the point where I began to not totally despise the way I look. Thank you for loving me - even though you also broke my heart, more than once - I never felt more loved than by you. You'll always own a little part of me, and though it hurts, I will never regret you being a part of my life. I've loved you and will love you.

*He had some health problems which he was forever having tests for.

Sunday, January 31, 2010

The Email

This is what was waiting for me that day...

So it's been almost 2 months since you've talked to me - and even before that - for the last while - when we talked your level of interest in what I had to say seemed pretty low. I was realizing that you may in fact be losing interest in me altogether and that the hassles of even talking to me were possibly getting to the point of not being worth it.
One day after a particularly brief and one sided conversation I realized, wow, I'm taking a lot of risk here for someone that doesn't seem to want to put any effort into continued communication. So... I decided to slow the communication down from my end to see what happened. You once told me that if I stopped talking to you, you would find a way to contact me... and that you'd never let me slip away... that didn't happen.... My g-mail sat empty for possibly the longest 2 months of my life as I waited patiently and with extreme hope that I was wrong. I checked my inbox daily hoping to get a message from you at least questioning the lack of least expressing concern as to why I had possibly stopped communication. Nothing.
So here I am... 2 months later, realizing and coming to terms with the fact that you really did not care about me, or our relationship as much as I'd thought you did. I don't know when you decided that you would only continue it if I did all the work. I don't know when you decided to give up on something I risked so much for... I don't know a lot of things. What I do know is that realizing more and more as the days went on that your attitude towards us (at least to the outside) was actually pretty selfish, cut me deep.
I guess the reason I'm finally writing this is because if our relationship is actually officially over - which is how it seems at least from here -then it should have an official end. I guess that's how things are done right? or do people just go their separate ways and avoid all contact once things collapse??
Just know this Kate... You meant a lot to me... you still do. You were a major and very significant part of my life. I will never forget you. The wound that was created by your lack of effort to make any contact as days turned to weeks will take time to heal... a long time. I'm guessing 10 years from now I'll still wonder on almost a daily basis how you're doing. I'll wonder what could have been if only you'd sent me one e-mail asking me"hey, whats up!?" Even just a simple "?"- I also completely understand that these wounds I now carry are partially self inflicted... I did after all decide to put a stop to my texts for a bit. I just never in a million years suspected you'd just roll with it and take it in stride. I would have bet money you cared enough about our relationship to at least see what was up. But nope... I guess I'm not always right after all!
So, at least according to twitter/blogger you seem to be doing well. It seems your work situation has improved somewhat.. and you seem to be having fun on the"road of life" so to say. I'm sorry that I'm not part of it. Sorry also to have thought you really wanted me to be part of it...
Hm... so what's the point of this e-mail? - I don't know. Perhaps to let you know what I've been feeling. To give you answers? To apologize for playing games? - Perhaps the "chick" inside me (that we've always joked about) needed to write this as some sort of closure? perhaps I was hoping for hope? Who knows... whatever my subconscious intentions where, here it is... all laid out for you to do with as you please.
I have always and will always love you Kate. I will always remember you with a smile on my face. I will always remember your smile, your laugh, your wit, your mind... all of that. You are an amazing woman. Hope others in your life get the honor of seeing in you what I saw.

What would you do with an email like this?

Tuesday, January 26, 2010

It's Been a While...

So, hi! Talk about falling off the face of the earth, right? I've been gone for somewhere around six months, maybe more.
I have no idea if anyone even checks in here anymore, or even what anyone has been up to, but still I want to thank everyone that emailed me while I was away. Your care and thoughtfulness mean so much to me.
I suppose I should start with what happened to make me disappear...

As some of you may remember, TDH and I were back into the thick of things with our affair. We were hot into it, but still something was up. Something I couldn't quite put my finger on, but that I knew was there.
One night I was out with a bunch of girlfriends and he was texting me. Near the end of my evening, he texted that he had to go, but that we'd talk the next day. I told him goodnight and never thought anything else about it.
The next day came and went with no contact from him. Odd, but I decided not to think much of it, because I knew he occasionally had a day when his wife was literally velcroed to him.
The following day went by, again with no contact. I was a little miffed, but thought maybe something was just going on at home.
I decided that if I didn't hear anything by the next day, I'd email him. (I don't know if anyone remembers, but because of being found out the year before, I never texted him first anymore, just to be safe.) When that fourth day rolled around however, I was pissed. What was his problem? Why was he being such an ass? I thought he'd contact me soon enough, and that when he did I'd find out once and for all what was up. But he never did.

Not for two months.

And I never contacted him either.

I was this strange mix of heartbroken, angry, irritated, incredulous...and in a weird way, relieved. Relieved that it was over, that finally the affair was done once and for all. But unbelievably sad at the same time, because when all the crap was scraped away, I loved him, and clearly he didn't feel the same way.

So I wiped his link from my vanilla blog, deleted him from my twitter account, never went to his side of the city, quit listening to the music he'd introduced me to, stopped wearing clothes I knew he liked me to wear, and basically did everything I could to lock any thoughts about him far, far away.

About three times during those two months I allowed myself to check his blog. Each time I would read quickly, scanning, trying to see if there was some sort of clue about what had happened, what was going on, but nothing. I would shut the window after about 10 minutes, feeling sick to my stomach and angry at myself for slipping up.

Then one day, I decided that I had to email him. I had to at least say what I needed to say, to tell him exactly what I thought, so that I could move on completely, and not think about him anymore. I logged on to Twitter and saw a tweet he had put up just hours before. It said something along the lines of "I guess two months of no contact should be enough of a sign..." and then just moments before I logged in "I'll check my email once more, then I may as well delete that account."

This infuriated me beyond belief, as I knew those messages were both for me. I logged into my gmail to write him a scathing message, but as the page loaded, I saw an email from him waiting for me...

Friday, July 3, 2009

The "Fight" Is On

TDH and I often talk tough to each other. Since he's got some considerable size over me, he gets a real kick out of how I always claim to be able to "take him" should the two of us ever have a fight. And by "fight" we both mean more along the lines of a wrestling match, the likes of which will lead to some ramped up sex. We've talked about having this fight for ages, but so far have never had enough time to actually have it. That's probably because when we are alone together, we jump right into the sex :)
Ah well, the following is a conversation we had via text this morning:

I want to have a physical fight with you...
Oh yeah? Too bad I'd totally own you ;)
You would not! I'm tough! But it would be fun...
It would be fun! But honestly, you're fiesty and all, but you're little...I will so own you :) You'll be all squirmy, but that's about it...
Size isn't always the most important thing though, grasshopper. I'd at least like the chance to try!
A chance you will get, little one :)
You're such a big talker - I'd cause trouble though.
Maybe, but if things are not going well I'll just pick you up, sling you over my shoulder, and walk. Not much you can do up there...
LOL! It's on baby! Keep teasing me like that you'll get a fight for sure!
You mean a mini Katiecat squirm? ;)
You just keep it up mister, I'll surprise you yet! I can kick your ass...
Yeah maybe, but the problem with kicking is that you have to be right-side up, and on the ground, lol.
I'm not worried - I'll just never let myself get in a position where you can pick me up like that.
I'll just grab your arm, pull you close, bear hug you, and flip you upside down. Easy!
Oh, like it's just that easy!
Actually, it kind of is...
Oh, whatever TDH, you'll see!
So will you...and the world will look upside down to you :)

Would anyone not want to fight with this man?

Monday, June 29, 2009

No Smoke Break For Me, But a Sex Break is Fine

Last Friday TDH had the day off.

I knew he was home alone working in his garage, and that he would probably be looking all types of sexy-man-working-on-macho-rough-guy-type-things gorgeous, so naturally I began the morning thinking about him. As on most days, he had talked to me on my drive to work, then had continued to text me throughout the morning.

As was to be expected, by lunch I was turned on beyond all rational thought, and was trying to think of ways to be able to see him.

You should know, I work halfway across the city from where he lives, which is no quick drive, even without rush hour.

Around 1 o'clock he texted that he was going inside to take a quick shower and then was planning on tidying up the house before starting to make dinner. He made mention of the fact that he was wishing I was there, and that he would love to walk out of the bathroom and see me on his bed.
I restrained myself from jumping in my car and heading over there - I had work to do.

But then when he texted a while later, saying that his shower was done and that he was wearing this certain t-shirt that I love, I couldn't resist anymore. I grabbed my keys and purse, jumped in the elevator, got in my car, and drove like a woman possessed for his house - but I didn't tell him I was coming.

About 3 minutes before I got there I sent him a quick text saying "Too bad I couldn't come over to distract you for a quick break, I miss your lips." He texted back with "Where are you?!?!" I gave him his answer about 2 minutes later when I knocked on his door.

He opened the door, bust into a huge grin, said "hi", shut the door behind me, and I tackled him. Kissing, groping, arms around his neck, wanting to undo his jeans but telling myself that I didn't have time for anything besides a quick kiss. But if wasn't long before he had me pinned up against the wall, my pants undone, one leg up and on his hip, and I was undoing his belt.

He pulled me over to the couch, demanded "Get your panties off!" to which I happily obliged, and then he pushed me down and slid himself into me. After several moments of us moving together, him kissing me, and biting his way up and down my legs, he was telling me he was going to cum, but as soon as he said it I hissed "Don't you dare!" and pushed him off me.
I made him sit on the couch, then straddled him, lowering myself down onto his cock, while he let his head fall back and let out a long, low "Fuuuuuuuuuuuck Kate."

Riding him like that is my absolute favorite position, and I was screaming with an orgasm in record-time. A moment later he bit his lip, then thrust so hard that he pushed me up off the couch, and I was balanced on his cock, my legs hanging over his hips.

His orgasm lasted almost an entire minute, him shuddering and holding me tighter and tighter. I love when he finishes like that. The more we have sex, the more intense his orgasms become, lasting a little longer each time. He tells me he has never finished with his wife that way - and I take great happiness and accomplishment in that.

After a quick clean-up I was back at his front door, where he bent down to my face and thanked me for making him take a break. A soft kiss and a big hug later I was back on the city streets, hauling my ass back to work.

When I walked in, no one said anything or asked where I was.

That won't be the last time for a visit like that :)

Sunday, May 24, 2009

To Steal a Lyric From Madonna...

...I fall deeper and deeper the further I go.

For all of you that have been where I am, and knew better, I guess I've learned my lesson. TDH and I are back in the thick of things - why didn't I listen to all you smart people? LOL.

So we decided to call it quits at the beginning of March. I think that lasted about a month? Somewhere around there? I don't even remember.

We were doing pretty well, seeing each other once or twice a week, always in a public place, so that we'd have to at least try and behave. Nothing physical happened during that time, besides the hug we would always give each other when we were saying goodbye.

Then one afternoon he called me spur of the moment and said he was going to be in my part of the city, and could I meet for coffee? It just so happened that I had a couple hours free that afternoon, so I jumped in my car and headed to meet him. We spent nearly two hours grinning at each other, flirting, talking about anything and everything, then headed out to our respective cars to head home. Just when I was turning to hug goodbye, he asked if he could jump in my car with me for a moment, so we could get out of the snow. I said sure, and we jumped in where I cranked the heat.

He asked me to give him a hug, which I did. Then we chit-chatted for a moment, then he asked for another hug - this time he held me a little longer, and I could feel his face turn to bury his nose in my hair, and inhale my perfume. I pulled away and said "Hey! You're not supposed to be doing that!" in a mock-scolding voice. He told me he knew that, and that he was sorry. And then I reminded him that it was him who always decided what we were doing was wrong, not me, and that I was just trying to help him stick to his decision.

He grinned at me, and we started talking again. Soon he said he had to go, and leaned forward to hug me one more time. But instead, he took my face in his hands, pulled me close to him, and gave me the softest, most knee-buckling kiss I've ever received. When he pulled away, he said "Thanks for coming to meet me! You should call me once I'm in my car."

Would you believe that I was actually sitting there with my mouth open? I thought that kind of shock only happened in the movies, but I literally couldn't do anything but stare after him. It took me a couple minutes to blink, close my mouth, and realize that it was time to drive home.

I vaguely remember calling him and asking what the hell that had been about, when he said "I don't know. I was just sitting across from you today, and wondering how one person could be so beautiful, and I just couldn't help myself."

Well. Alright then.

That one kiss led to a tirade of dirty pictures being send back and forth, but past that, and the occasional kiss or quick cop-a-feel, we didn't physically go any farther.

We had more than one conversation in person and over messenger where I asked him if he knew what he was doing. I repeatedly asked him if I decided to cut him from my life, if he'd be able to get over me. I know him, and I know that it's only a matter of time before his guilt starts to bother him again, and then things will get weird, and then I'll be know, that old vicious circle. I just keep thinking, maybe if we cut if off completely, he'll be able to move on, and I can quit being the cause of so much of his stress.

But I finally quit suggesting it after every time I brought it up I was met with panic and pleading and confessions that no matter how much I cut myself off from him, he would still be in love with me.

I must say though, this time around things seem to be better. I'm trying to be more relaxed about it all. We've all but cut out our "I love you's", as they've been replaced with "I like you's", which, to both of us, means love anyways. We once had a conversation about the whole like/love topic, and we both decided that while you may love people, you don't necessarily have to love them, so that when you say like, you mean much more. Our convoluted thought process is fucked, what can I say?

We've had a discussion about him talking about his wife, and though I said that I'll listen when he feels the need to talk about her - as I talk about SH once in a while - sometimes I'm just not up for it.

It's funny - maybe that break was what we needed. Since we've had it, he seems to be the one who can't get enough, who misses me almost instantly, who impatiently waits for me to call him every day, who is always wanting more, more, more. And I do feel that way, I'm just trying to keep it more reigned in this time - it makes a girl feel good to be wanted :)

Saturday, May 9, 2009

My First Hate Comment

In regards to my last post...

Wow. How much bullshit is this blog???? A lot!

Aside from YOU, who would possibly empathize with you? You are most unlikeable and your story doesn't ring true. That's why there's no new entries---and who would believe your past entries anyway?

I was late in joining your blog---I followed the herd of those not getting laid, who will cling to the story of anyone, such as yourself. Sad all around.

I hope you get caught.


Just out of curiosity "TippyToes," if you think I've made up all my past posts, how, pray tell, would I be able to get caught?

Yeah. Smooth move.

If I made it all up, there's no one to catch me.

But I will address something you've said - there have been no new posts. Agreed. My reason for that is that I've fallen back into the relationship with TDH, and had no idea how to write about it. Even though most people would be totally within their rights to say "Told you so!", I didn't really want to hear it.

So there you have it. The affair is back on. I'll be back soon with details.

And just as a side note, I've never made up one single detail on this blog - what would be the point? No one knows me anyway, so what would I have to gain?