Tuesday, January 6, 2009

Uh Oh

Just got off the phone with TDH. There's trouble - big trouble.

Months ago, after we were found out, he had mentioned to me that an apology letter to his wife might go a long way in helping to mend our relationship (the one between his wife and I that is, we were kind of friends beforehand). When we talked about it, he said that he thought it might even help us be able to be friends "publicly" again. I had a hard time believing that might be possible, but he seemed to think it would.

My thoughts on that were entirely selfish - worried that if I sent her the letter, she would have hard proof to send to my husband should she ever decide he should find out. I wrote 4 or 5 of them, trying to express my anguish for what this must have done to her, but in the end my fear won out, and I never sent one.

Fast forward to this morning, when I was angry about TDH not texting me very much lately, and for seeming so weird. I posted my blog, and he and I texted sporadically throughout the day - finally though, this afternoon, I asked him what was wrong. He said he was fine, so I texted back that if he was fine, then I could only assume that he had some sort of problem with me. Turns out, he had two problems with me, both serious.

The first was that he has been thinking about me not sending a letter to his wife. I don't remember this, but he said he had told me when we first talked about it that I should do it before the New Year, because after that he felt the window for reconciliation between her and I would be closed. He said he felt that me not sending it meant that our relationship (outside of the affair) didn't mean enough to me to warrant that kind of action. He couldn't be further from the truth, but he is taking my cowardice as not caring.

The second thing is that he found this blog. Today. With my last post up - and knew in about 3 lines that it was mine. He knew I had this blog, and that my screen name was Insatiable Kate, but had never read it.

So now his feelings are hurt, his faith in our relationship is shaken, and he's thinking I don't care because I never sent his wife a letter.

I tried to explain myself to him over the phone, but I'm not sure he believes me. I keep asking him what I can do to prove to him that I'm sorry, and that he means more to me than I could ever explain - but for now it seems I'm just coming across as a selfish brat. He said he needs to work through the emotional part of everything before he can talk to me about it.


I sincerely hope this isn't the beginning of the end. That man means more to me than most people that walk this earth.


L. said...

Oh dear.

Magnet for trouble, these blogs.

I don't know if I could have sent a letter of apology to his wife. I don't think I could ever be friends with a woman that I knew had slept with my husband, either. And I also wouldn't have done it for the reasons you mentioned (evidence to break up your own family), though this blog kinda takes "plausible deniability" down a few pegs, doesn't it?

Personally, I think expecting you to send the wife a letter is above and beyond. I guess I'm not convinced it would at all help the situation. I think it would make things worse.

Lionia said...

Ouch. That's tough, on both counts. Frankly, I think the letter to the wife is not fair to ask. First, if you were friends before, that relationship is between you and she and not for anyone else to govern - IMO. And maybe it's not the best thing for either relationship (yours with the wife or yours and his) to have a "reconciliation". Maybe that would just make the affair that much harder. I once said to Jonathan (my first affair) that I have no problem sharing him, but I don't want to share us. I think that's valid for you here too, in all cases - your relationship with his, his relationship with her, and yours with her - none of them need to be intertwined, really. He may be asking for trouble for himself as well, which you are helping him avoid by resisting this idea.

Second, your fear is quite valid - why put things in writing that could cause you trouble down the road? Again, it could be troublesome for all of you.

I can understand him feeling weird about the blog. It's why we are so anonymous (well, one of the reasons) with these things. He may feel freaked out because it seems obvious to him who it's about, but that's just because he KNOWS already.

I hope you two resolve both of these issues and anything else that might be lurking. Good luck :).

Anonymous said...

I can only understand how you feel, and very much sympathize. It's why I have trouble writing too much that is me-specific on the blog, for fear that the Mrs would find it. But keep writing (if you want) and let us know how we can help.

His Other Woman said...

I think it's a bad idea to write a letter to her as well. I do not think that NOT writing the letter is a reflection on how you feel about him at all. I do feel like time will heal all wounds, so the best thing to do is to let time do it's work. He's just stressed right now...he'll come around eventually. They always do.

Anonymous said...

I agree with everyone else...the letter seems a bit much...and also extremely risky.

I do hope everything works out though!

Anonymous said...

If I was in his wifes situation, I can't imagine getting a letter from you would help anything. I agree with Other Woman, things just need to heal now.

Anonymous said...

I don't agree with the letter either. Having an ex (or current) lover, that you still have feelings for, and your wife (or husband)friendly isn't all its cracked up to be.

Anonymous said...

I'm so sorry, can't imagine how you're feeling. I hope you're doing alright today, and I hope that he will come around. I also agree that the letter wouldn't have been a good idea, hope he realizes that as well.

Anonymous said...

I could echo--for a ninth time--that the letter isn't a good idea. Something else strikes me as odd here. Its not profound, but it really is no surprise that he asked you to write the letter after you two got busted.

People make all kinds of strange requests when they're in "damage control" mode.

But for him to bring it up months (?) later? That's really odd to me. Seems that if you didn't write it, he would just drop it. Did you ever tell him you didn't feel comfortable writing a letter?

The advice that your relationship with him is completely separate from your relationship with his wife is sound. Don't let him govern it. And, he will come to his senses once whatever stress he's feeling passes...

Anxious to hear what happens next (as I'm sure you are too)...

P.S. Don't let the upcoming silence from him freak you out! Please? Its my job to get freaked out...as everyone in blogland will soon see! :-)

Krazy said...

I don't think I could write a letter to the wife, and you know how similar my situation is to yours. He needs to understand that you are doing it for your safety and it's not fair for him to ask you to do that.

Good luck, I am sure things will work out well for you. He loves you!

Anonymous said...

I agree with Crazy. Don't write the wife. That would be dumb. I know first hand that this is pretty painful for everyone but some things can't be fixed, including friendships.

Riff Dog said...

First off, DON'T send the letter to his wife!!! Don't, don't don't don't, DON'T!!!

Second, DON'T send a letter to his wife!!!

Third, that's too bad about him finding the blog. Even under the best of circumstances, that would be hard. But hopefully he'll deal with it okay in time.

Fourth, DON'T send a letter to his wife!!!

The Other Woman said...

I agree with all of the above. Do not write the letter. The fact that he is being weird with you because you are not obeying his request to do so is pure nonsense. The fact that there are timelines on reconciliation is even sillier.

Make your blog private?

Insatiable Kate said...

L. - See! That's what I think! I would never, ever want to hear from the bitch that slept with my husband again!

Lionia - I agree, and my relationship with her was tedious at best. I never thought she fully liked me to begin with, but perhaps she knew what was coming...

Ronald - I will, you are a sweetheart :)

His Other Woman - Thank you. I don't think it's a reflection of my feelings either.

Edens Dragon - Entirely to risky!

Insatiable Kate said...

Button - I'm trying to let him heal...but it's hard not being seen in the same light in his eyes now.

wryguy - I couldn't agree more. And even if she felt she could forgive me if I were to apologize, I would never be comfortable with her again...

SC - I'm doing better today, but it's awkward, no matter how I try to explain it to him, he doesn't seem to understand.

Boy Next Door - I had told him in the past that the idea of a letter made me uncomfortable, but said I would think it over. He told me he thought the sooner the better, because his wife had mentioned to him that she felt I should have at least apologized to her since she and I were sort of friends.
Apparently she brought it up again just a few days ago, and said that since I never apologized, she now "hates me", which is why it's on his mind.
He honestly felt that if I apologized to her, she would come around and we could hang out again...I don't know...I can't imagine her wanting to.

Insatiable Kate said...

Krazy - He sees me not sending the letter as selfish. He feels because he risks his marriage every day, just by sending me texts, that it isn't too much to ask for me to send the letter.

Tallgrass - I know. And even if for some crazy, twisted reason she decided she still wanted to be friends with me, it would be too weird. I would constantly be waiting for her to jump me or something :)

Riff Dog - I'm pretty sure I won't. He told me that he figures if I were to send one now, after all this time, that she'd just send it to my husband anyways.
And yeah, it's the shits he found the blog, especially yesterday.

The Other Woman - I think because he was upset about the post I had up - and how I kept calling him a jackass, etc. - he kind of used the letter as extra anger fodder. He was mad, so he brought up the only other thing that was bothering him.
And I don't think I need to go private, he won't be back, I'm sure of it.

Krazy said...

Kate, she will never be your friend, no matter how many letters of apology you send her. She will always hate you, no matter what you do, so the letter will not make any difference. It's best that way. Just pretend the affair has ended and you two have moved on. It's not so difficult.

Bad idea giving him your blog's info. I would create a new one and migrate the posts. You can have a clean start that way.

A Secret Freak said...

My heart sunk..

I agree with you about the letter, it just leaves to many open doors..to many ways to come back and haunt you. Always trust your first instinct! repairing their relationship is between them and probably would only cause more damage for you to get involved... As far as repairing anything the two of you had.. i would not even try to go there.. some things are better left alone.
Good luck