Just got off the phone with TDH. There's trouble - big trouble.
Months ago, after we were found out, he had mentioned to me that an apology letter to his wife might go a long way in helping to mend our relationship (the one between his wife and I that is, we were kind of friends beforehand). When we talked about it, he said that he thought it might even help us be able to be friends "publicly" again. I had a hard time believing that might be possible, but he seemed to think it would.
My thoughts on that were entirely selfish - worried that if I sent her the letter, she would have hard proof to send to my husband should she ever decide he should find out. I wrote 4 or 5 of them, trying to express my anguish for what this must have done to her, but in the end my fear won out, and I never sent one.
Fast forward to this morning, when I was angry about TDH not texting me very much lately, and for seeming so weird. I posted my blog, and he and I texted sporadically throughout the day - finally though, this afternoon, I asked him what was wrong. He said he was fine, so I texted back that if he was fine, then I could only assume that he had some sort of problem with me. Turns out, he had two problems with me, both serious.
The first was that he has been thinking about me not sending a letter to his wife. I don't remember this, but he said he had told me when we first talked about it that I should do it before the New Year, because after that he felt the window for reconciliation between her and I would be closed. He said he felt that me not sending it meant that our relationship (outside of the affair) didn't mean enough to me to warrant that kind of action. He couldn't be further from the truth, but he is taking my cowardice as not caring.
The second thing is that he found this blog. Today. With my last post up - and knew in about 3 lines that it was mine. He knew I had this blog, and that my screen name was Insatiable Kate, but had never read it.
So now his feelings are hurt, his faith in our relationship is shaken, and he's thinking I don't care because I never sent his wife a letter.
I tried to explain myself to him over the phone, but I'm not sure he believes me. I keep asking him what I can do to prove to him that I'm sorry, and that he means more to me than I could ever explain - but for now it seems I'm just coming across as a selfish brat. He said he needs to work through the emotional part of everything before he can talk to me about it.
I sincerely hope this isn't the beginning of the end. That man means more to me than most people that walk this earth.