Tuesday, January 6, 2009

I Don't Usually Bitch About TDH, But...

...he's being a real son-of-a-bitch these past few days.

Usually the relationship between TDH and I is rosy. We get along fabulously; when we do have a difference of opinion we actually discuss it, rather than get all huffy and arrogant about it; we love each other immensely; and generally when one of us is feeling insecure or worried about something (either our relationship or life in general) the other will go out of their way to reassure them that things will be fine.

However...you may recall in my last post that I confessed how when we've been away from each other for an extended period of time, I get a little insecure. I loathe feeling that way, and I try to keep it under wraps, but sometimes it's just not possible.

After I talked to him on Friday I was feeling much better about everything. I knew we'd see each other soon, and his words had reassured me. But I knew Sunday was coming, which is always my least favourite day of the week. On Sundays TDH is with his family - not just his wife and kid, but his entire family - and they hang out all day, which is not great for the two of us communicating. I have made my peace with this though, because at some point during the day I always get at least one sneaky text, and then usually sometime that evening he'll send me an email that makes me feel like a million bucks.

This past Sunday though, there was nothing from him. Not a message, phone call, email - nothing. I was pissed. I know wifey is still on high alert, but for fuck's sake, he can take his phone into the bathroom and send me a text in two seconds!

So yesterday morning I was angry. He sent me a good morning message and I responded with a somewhat cold message of my own. He then asked me how I was, and I said "I'm fine. Just trying to figure out if we are." Then he sent a message back asking just what that was supposed to mean. I wrote back saying that I was perturbed that he couldn't have even sent one message saying that it was going to be an entirely unsafe day, to which he responded "I'm very sorry about that, but I told you before there may be the occasional day of text silence." Jackass. Apparently me expecting a brief hello message was too much to ask.

Later in the day I was heading out to run some errands and return some things from Christmas. Our plan was that I would be out for when he was done work, so that we could see each other for a quick coffee. He texted just as I was about to leave the house that Steve's van had broken down (a co-worker) and that he had to give him a ride home after work, therefore we wouldn't be able to meet up.

I said that was fine, I was half expecting something to come up anyways. We both have terrible track-records for something coming up at the last minute, and having to cancel on each other. But then he was all defensive about it: "What's that supposed to mean? Why did you expect me to cancel?"

I told him because it was his first day back to work in about two weeks, so I figured he'd be busy, plus I reminded him about our track-record. That seemed to placate him, and we continued texting (very innocent messages) while I was out.

Just before I got home I texted for him to have a good evening, and he did the same. We always do this before one of us gets home, but it never means we're done talking for the day - there are always emails and texts afterwards, whenever one of us can steal away for a moment.

But last night there was nothing from him.
This morning he texted me "Good morning Katiecat!" like nothing was amiss.

Now with him being so weird, my mind automatically goes to "Well he must not feel the same way about me anymore. Has he decided to end this whole thing, but just doesn't want to tell me? Why is he being such a jackass?!?"

I asked him yesterday if we were done. He was mad. Wanted to know why the hell I would ever think that.

Uh, hello? Maybe because you're basically ignoring me?

I don't know what is going through that mind of his, or what's going on, but I've decided that I'm going to let him do the work for now. It's always me accommodating his schedule (because it's easier for me to get out), me worrying about his feelings, he hasn't told me he misses me unless I say it first in about a week, and the really stupid part? When I'm irked at him like this, I always end up feeling bad for feeling this way at all, and totally letting him off the hook! Stupid.

If he still wants me, he knows how to find me.


L. said...

Oh, the misunderstandings that occur when our minds fill in blanks in lieu of communication. These relationships are chock-full of blanks that we fill in all by ourselves and usually with the wrong filler. But taking a break from being accommodating is a good thing, I think. For your own sanity and sense of balance.

Anonymous said...

For me, this begs the question of what kind of indiscretion is better...emotionally attached or unattached?

I'm sure I will be accused of being heartless guy for this, but I prefer unattached. It's hard, but I try to foster good, open friendships with no expectation of romantic interest. I trully believe that I can still be a warm and kind lover.

Sometimes emotions overwhelm objectivity though...its a battle. Good luck!

Anonymous said...

Totally sounds like sweet T and I I hate the feeling of no communication. Hang in there sometimes waiting is hard but worth it in the end.

Anonymous said...

I am in the EXACT same position right now, so I know how you feel! I even told my lover the same thing yesterday. I didn't sign up to be ignored, I get enough of that at home, thankyouverymuch!

Today, he sought me out first. I'm done playing games.

Anonymous said...

I think L's advice is so sound--taking a break from being accommodating. I've been SO guilty of that in the past, and while I got praised for it at the time, it bites you in the ass.

Don't let the silences get to you--you're fine! Keep your head up, OK? :-)

Anonymous said...

I'm new to your blog, but I love it! You might as well be reading some of thoughts, on some of your issues.

Anyhow, I have SO BEEN THERE! And still am, why is it that they just don't understand that a text message only takes a minute? Silly, silly boys!

Keep writing and keep your head up!