Wednesday, February 25, 2009

K-A-T-E Spells: Confused

This affair has turned into so much more than an affair. It has morphed into something far beyond the jumping off point of sneaky caresses, stolen moments, back roads fucking, liking, respecting, and loving each other into this whole other...thing.

Instead of lunch breaks spent hiding out in some parking lot, or the dark corner booth of some restaurant, it's become public coffee meetings, phone calls while we grocery shop, once a week private meetings, dirty pictures and msn chats, with the occasional profession of love thrown in for good measure.

TDH is struggling at the moment. He's going through some fairly significant health issues, is having an all out battle with his morals, and because of both of those, he's also dealing with his own mortality. I'm trying to be supportive and to give him as much space and/or support as he needs, but all his struggling is resulting in him being someone who is increasingly hard to understand.

On the one hand he wants to devote himself to his wife, to repairing their marriage and being "committed" to her. On the other hand there's me. Me along with his wife, as has been going on for over 2 years now.

A week or so ago this all came tumbling out. It seems though, that regardless of what his choice is, I'm still included in his life. Confused? Yeah, me too. So what does this mean? He loves me - he doesn't - he wants to have sex - no he doesn't - apparently the line that has to be crossed to achieve his relationship with me changes everyday. Some days it's no problem for us to be walking to our cars after having coffee and for him to shove me between two cars, shove his hand into my panties, and kiss me till I'm breathless. Other days he's standoffish, and we chat on the phone or over text like we're nothing more than good friends.

As he tried to explain this all to me, and I listened, trying to wrap my head around it - I finally just blurted out "Well, maybe if I was out of your life, you wouldn't be struggling with your morals, and it might help you to focus on your marriage."

His reply to that? "Nope. It doesn't work that way. I need you in my life - no out for you. The struggle is not part of how I feel about you - that hasn't changed - and won't - I don't want to end it with you - of course I feel things for you (that'd be LOVE btw) - this struggle has to do with the affect of my choices in balancing my life..."

Still confused? Yep, me too.

The next night we were chatting online and the current line of conversation was how he would like me to greet him at the door when he got home from work if we were married. I was in the middle of explaining a whole modern-day housewife look - stilettos, apron, button up dress with a hint of black lace peeking out, fresh lipstick and dinner in the oven - when he says this:

TDH says:
mmmmm - can you just come over and spend the night?
TDH says:
I'll sneak you into my room after my kid goes to bed
Kate says:
If I could, I would
TDH says:
Tell your husband some friend is having a crisis
TDH says:
and you have to go see them
Kate says:
I can't!!
TDH says:
my wife is away, it's a perfect time
Kate says:
Don't tempt me...
TDH says:
I'm not tempting you - I'm flat out asking you to sneak over here for the night
Kate says:
I can't.
TDH says:
come and spend the night with me - at least part of it
Kate says:
I can't, but believe me - there is nothing I would rather do
TDH says:
I want you to come. Please. I want you here...

*I wasn't able to go over that night, but damn, I would really have loved to!

Anyways, then yesterday we were talking about our weekends, and I asked him how his was. He says "It was great. It was so nice to be able to spend time with my wife."

What the fuck? I mean, I'm supportive of you patching things up with your wife, and I know that you're supportive of me staying with my husband, but seriously? I don't want to hear about how nice it was to spend time with her. Don't lovers realize that? I mean, we both know each other is married, and in passing we do bring up our spouses from time to time, but I would never tell him how it was so great to spend time with my husband, because I know that would bother him.

So essentially, all I know from all this is that he loves me, and still wants me, but just how much he will allow himself to have me will change from day to day.

If I wasn't in love with him...


asweetnectar said...

I am so sitting in your shoes and mine has only been a couple of months. I can only imagine what you are feeling after a couple of years.

I really have nothing to offer advice. However, I do offer you warm hugs!

Stay strong and good things will come!

Kate said...

Oh, Kate, I too could borrow this post title.

I'm sorry this is so complicated for you.

Anonymous said...

I know EXACTLY what you mean. He runs hot and cold. He loves you and he doesn't. He wants you out of his mind and he can't stop thinking about you. He wants to spend every minute with you and he ignores you.

The comment about his weekend was just thoughtless. Usually on Friday, I tell M to "have a moderately ok weekend", knowing he'll be spending it with his wife. I don't want him to have a miserable time, but let's face it, he'd have more fun if he were with me, right? ;)

Just Me said...

I hope and pray that me and "my" man are together 2 years from now...but to deal with the confused emotions for that long might drive me bonkers!

Thinking of you....

Anonymous said...

Is there something in the water right now that is doing this to everyone...thats about how my next post should be ...

keep smiling :)
now you know why i havnt posted in about a week so confused....

MisterCharming said...

A couple of years ago I was the man in the middle. I was unhappy in my marriage, and I strayed. I had a series of successive affairs (never consecutive)and I honestly thought I was truly "in love" with the woman. I could not stand to be away from her, and I professed my love, and the sex was other-worldly, but at the end of the day I went home to the big house and the kids and the wife and the country club and became the almost-perfect (ha!) father and husband. While I knew that I did not love my wife any longer, I knew in my heart I would never leave her, because I could not face the prospect of breaking up my family, losing my house, splitting all the assets, and just going through that awkward, nasty divorce thing. The most recent affair was particularly hard because she was single and I was married. She had to deal with me going home to my mate, while she did not do the same. After a long time she started dating, which I hated, even though I understood her position. It was horrible for both of us, although when we got together it was clear we were perfect for each other. It was horrible for both of us.

Fate intervened in a big way one day, however, when my wife discovered the affair. The details are irrelevant; suffice to say I was abruptly confronted with the accusation, I knew the proof was undeniable, so I admitted it. Talk about ugly. Long story short: went to counseling, and I finally admitted that I was NOT happy and did NOT want to make the marriage work. Wife became even more furious. Telling the kids was not as bad as I thought... it was WORSE. I know my wife trashed my name around town. I eventually moved to a nearby town and tried to regroup. I was happy that I was free from a loveless marriage, but I was empty from what I had lost. It took me a long time to get over that, but I eventually did. It has been almost three years now, and things are good, with me, with the kids, and sometimes with the ex.

As for the "other woman" who was discovered? As soon as the fertilizer hit the ventilator, she felt horrible for having caused the breakup of my family. She turned and ran the other direction. She actually eventually got engaged to someone she had been seeing. I thought she would be there for me, but she wasn't, so I was devastated. However, the story has a happy ending. Her engagement fell through, and after a year she contacted me and we reconnected. That was almost two years ago. Now we will be married this summer.

The sad part is that, had the affair not been discovered, I know I would have never left my wife. Most men won't, and don't. Thereis just too much to lose, and too much explaining to do. In my case, the door was opened for me. I could have said yes, I want to work on this marriage, and no one would have been the wiser (except for my wife.) But instead I made the bold move to say "I want out." Most men won't do that. So if you are holding onto the hope that someday you and your lover will be together, don't count on it. Most endings are not happy. Although mine is in a way, believe me, it has been a gut-wrenching and emasculating process.

Good luck to you all, and I mean that sincerely.

MizChievous said...

It seems that I stay in a constant state of confusion, so I totally empathize with you.

Hugs to you!!

Kimberly said...

'Come here' followed by 'stay there' followd by 'come here' followed by 'stay there' is both confusing and infuriating. Ick, sorry it is happening to you!

Anonymous said...

i know the feelings you describe far too well. i was in an affair with a married man for 2.5 years... and it was the same story- it started off a bit more casual and then all of a sudden i was in love. and so was he. we took 2 breaks because he bought a new house and i argued that meant he didnt want me in his life- but he gave me the same response your lover does to you- that he DID want me in his life, that he loved me. everyone has a different situation but i wish you strength- its hard hearing about his wife, his confusion, etc... try not to let the misery of confusion consume you like it often did to me!