Sunday, February 1, 2009

Random Thoughts As a Way of Catching Up

I do apologize for being so sporadic with my posts. But when you have a husband that works shift-work, and is on the craziest schedule imaginable, it can be difficult to get to the computer when it's "safe".


Life in general has been insanely busy, without anything really going on. A bit of a contradiction there I realize, but it seems the best way to explain it. I guess I mean there have been no big events worth mentioning, but work is crazy, DD is learning new things by the day, I've been busy with girlfriends, and SH has been surprisingly attentive over the past month.


Since the "fight" between TDH and I way back at the beginning of January, it seems that things haven't quite gotten back to normal. We did finally get to see each other mid-January - and it was bitter-sweet. The bitter-sweetness was because we were sort of arguing via text while I was on my way to his place, then when I got there it was awkward.
See, I wanted to walk in the door and straighten all the bullshit from our fight out right away, but as soon as I walked in his face lit up, and he wrapped his arms around me, and then...well, you know...I was pretty much putty.
Though I must applaud myself, when I finally dis-entangled myself from his arms, I did sit on the opposite side of the couch from him and tell him we needed to straighten things out.
But you know, then he's insisting that everything is fine, and he's tilting his head and grinning at me, and asking me to go get something from my jacket because "then I can watch you walk over there."
Anyways, we talked for about half an hour, then he wanted to show me something he'd bought himself after Christmas, but when I followed him down the hall, suddenly I was pressed up against the wall, and my shirt was off, and he was kissing me so hard I could barely breathe, and then my pants were unbuttoned...and damn. I left 45 minutes later (late for an appointment) with my hair all over the fucking place, bite marks on my neck (thank god for long hair!), his scent on my skin, and damp panties.
We've seen each other a few times since then, all in public settings where we have to sit at a table and play innocent, but still, I love those times together.
But here's where I'm confused - prior to our fight, nearly every conversation with TDH was littered with I like yous, I love yous, I miss yous - but since the fight? Nada. If I say it first he's always quick to say it back, but he's quit saying it on his own.
I have asked him about it, but he insists that he still feels the same, and that "You should know how I feel about you by now." I told him that that's true, I believe I do know how he feels, but isn't it nice to have someone tell you once in a while?

Someone tell me - am I just being supremely annoying and needy about this? I've only asked him about it that once, but I'm thinking about it constantly. And it wouldn't bother me so much if he hadn't always been so forthcoming with emotions like that in the past.

Thoughts? Anyone?


Thank you all so much for your advice on my "gardening dilemma". Your answers were all great, and some of them had me literally laughing out loud to myself. I did answer you all in my comments.
I agree with the majority of you as well, that a bare kitty is the best one, but - the things we do for our lovers, right?
Anyways, I do believe I've decided to go with just a small strip for now, and see how I feel about that. TDH is so excited (what a thing to get excited about, lol) that he says the anticipation is almost more than he can take.


Lionia said...

No, I don't think you're being annoying and needy. Any change means something. And although it might not mean something bad, it's human nature to yearn for the comfort of familiarity in interaction, PARTICULARLY after a fight. Or at least to want to know why the change. It could just be that he wants to hear it from you first more often, though - maybe this is his way of getting his emotional needs met: if he withholds, you'll fill the gap...?

Krazy said...

I've been there. I am still there for the most part. The I love yous are gone. They rarely happen spontaneously, and I've asked for them many times. I think it's their way of protecting themselves. They may come back. Stop saying them yourself. It hurts, but at least he will know how it feels.

Sorry! I know how much it hurts.

asweetnectar said...

You know hearing the feelings of your lover and knowing that you are somewhat appreciated in some aspect is important. I dont think you are being needy at all.

MizChievous said...

I don't think you're being needy at all. Maybe something is going at home with him? Sounds like he may be torn or struggling with something on his end. It just sucks that sometimes men don't communicate what they are thinking and act different instead.

Anonymous said...

You took a lover because of your need to feel appreciated, desired, wanted. You have built a relationship with him outside of that, but what of the relationship once that (ahem) insatiable need goes away?

No you're not being needy. You're being human.

Anonymous said...

Generalization alert!
Men typically don't like saying those words anyway. That being said I'm with Miz on this one. I've noticed a pattern with M that when he feels torn and too close to me, he retreats. It's a form of protection I suppose.

Is it possible that TDH is in self preservation mode? Maybe at the time of the "fight" he felt like you pushed him away. He might just be afraid of getting shut down again.

O said...

I agree with button and Miz. I think it's often a sort of 'one step forward, one step back' sort of dynamic. After getting closer, sometimes some people ave a need to create more space. It's maddening.