*This post is erratic, and a bit sloppy. There are also little snippets of conversations everywhere. I apologize, but there are thoughts and feelings whipping around my brain at breakneck speed.
Since the first couple days, where we texted back and forth, and talked on the phone a couple times, we've been fairly quiet towards each other. Quiet, I suppose, compared to the literal 100 or so texts we would send each other every day while we were still having the affair. Our texts and phone calls have been innocent, just regular chit-chat.
Then yesterday he sent me a dirty text, right out of the blue. I played innocent, answering back to what he asked, and he came back with "You are far from innocent missy!" I texted back saying I had no idea what he was talking about, and didn't give anything more. Twenty minutes later he texted me again, "What are you wearing?"
Oh boy. I was working from home yesterday. Thus, wasn't wearing much. I texted him back "pink lace tank, and white panties with pink lace around the legs," which was the truth. His response? "Innocent my ass!!! Is the tank new? Damn...I wish I could see you in it..."
So these texts went back and forth, me never saying anything particularly dirty, but him going a bit wild with the vision of what I was wearing. My only slip was when he said "Nothing makes a board meeting better than sitting here thinking about someone, and of the way their pussy feels," and I responded with "Well as long as mine enters your stream of consciousness every once in a while..."
He responded, "You know I'm only thinking of you, you're the one that I want."
This morning I sent him a quick message, asking if he wanted to get together for coffee after work. He responded that he would love to, but it would have to be quick, since he was picking up his kid from daycare.
I got to the coffee place before him, and sent him a message telling him I was at a table, and had gotten him his usual. Of course he would have to pick a place where it seems every construction worker in the city congregates. This coffee shop is always crawling with tradesmen, and as I looked around, I realized that every table was full, and I was one of only two women in there. I sent him a quick message "Hurry your ass up! I'm getting eye fucked by half the people in here!"
Two minutes later he pulled up, and as I watched him walk from his car, I caught my breath. I hadn't realized how much I missed him. He strolled in with a grin on his gorgeous face, and I found myself grinning back like a little girl.
He sat down and we immediately started talking, about his day, about mine, about our kids. It came easily, effortlessly, as things between us always have. It wasn't awkward, or uncomfortable, but natural. When we finally stopped talking for a moment, I looked up from my coffee to find him staring at me. It was that stare that looks past my eyes, right into my soul, that sucks the breath from my body, and would have made my legs weak if I'd been standing up. "You look good, Kate, really good. Gorgeous even."
I blushed immediately, and thanked him. He looked around at all the guys seated around us, "No wonder you got eye fucked," he laughed. At one point he reached out and ran his finger down my arm, and it was all I could do not to shiver noticeably. It went on like that, us being happy and natural, till all too soon he said he had to leave to get to daycare.
As we walked out to our cars, he stopped and said "Come give me a hug." I turned towards him, and he enveloped me in his arms. As I was breathing him in, he told me I smelled amazing, and then asked if I had gotten smaller. He has always teased me about being short, but today he really did seem absolutely enormous. Finally he let me go, and asked me to call him once I got in my car.
As soon as I was driving, I called him. Again, we fell effortlessly into conversation, talking about our plans for the weekend, and the next week. Finally he said "I'm really glad you asked me to meet you Kate." To which I said "You know I always want to hang out with you, but you're so busy all the time, I hate for you to waste time with me." He answered back sternly "My time is never wasted with you! You know that! Just seeing you makes me happy, brings me back to earth - when I'm with you I don't think about anything else. I don't stress or worry about anything. All I think about is you."
Then I switched the conversation to what I was doing, since I had stopped at a mall, so I could browse while I was talking to him. He asked what I was looking at (clothes), and kept telling me to go try things on, and take pictures to send him. When I listed the colors of a particular shirt that I was looking at, he told me which color to pick, because he had always thought I looked pretty in this, or in that. He encouraged me to buy the sundress I was looking at, since he knew it would show my shoulders, which he loves.
Then he said "Hey, aren't you going to be alone this weekend? Why don't you take some pictures for me?" I thought about that for a moment, then said "What kind of pictures?" He said "Just you, in your new clothes, or...whatever." I could hear him grinning on the other end of the phone. "Well really, I can't send you anything dirty, since we're done being bad..." His response was too perfect "Well, just think, if I was to see you on a beach, I'd be seeing a lot of skin. So you can show me that much skin...and well, if you happen to have a sexy smile, or maybe you're laying in such a way that I can see a little more....then so be it!" "We'll see," I told him.
Then we slipped back into casual conversation, before he suddenly said "I didn't realize how much I missed you until I saw your face. I miss you a lot. When I walked in, and saw you...it hit me." "I know..." I whispered back, "I miss you too."
And I do miss him, immensely, but ending the affair was still the right thing to do. I can honestly say that I don't regret it, and that I haven't cried or been distraught since we decided it was done. How that is possible, I have no idea. My only guess is that it had become so complicated, and so messy, that it was a relief to say it was over.
Am I still in love with him? Oh god, yes.
Do I still want him? Oooh, yes.
Would I let it get physical again? I'm leaving that purely up to him. I won't be the one to instigate it though.
So for now, it's still over. I don't know if it will last or not. But for now at least, we're both happy, which is what we want for each other. We'll keep flirting, and joking, and seeing each other, but beyond talking about how we feel? I honestly don't know.