Over the past week I've been struggling with what to write. Do I do another update of the TDH situation? Do I post more stories of our affair in happier times? Do I write about what I want someone to do to me? How I feel the need to be ravaged? Do I continue posting at all?
It's odd. When I started this blog I had so much to say - it all came tumbling out in this mixed up, crazy flood of information. Barely any rhyme or reason, just things I had to get out. And now? I still have so much to say, just not entirely sure how to say it, I suppose. But I think I'll stick around. I just need to figure out how I want to fit in now, and how Kate is going to stage her "comeback" so to speak :)
For today though? Just a random list of snippets, to keep you up to speed.
1. I've gone back to bare kitty. In fact, I did it a couple days before the affair ended. And this is how I'm going to stay; silky smooth.
2. The comments on my last post were much appreciated. I know it probably isn't *completely* over, but I'm trying.
3. I realize I'm probably delusional to keep thinking we can remain friends, but he's one of my best. I love him.
4. That being said, we've seen each other about 3 times over the past week, and so far it's all been talk - talk about dirty things, and love without actually saying love.
5. All the dirty talk has been from him. He's also the one who keeps finding ways for us to touch.
6. Yesterday we were alone in a car, on the highway, for two hours. I kept my hands to myself, and he kept reaching out to touch a "hot zone" on my thigh.
7. Does anyone else think that maybe it's him that's not ready to let go?
8. I apologize for my lack of commenting on other blogs lately. Bad Kate! I'll be better, I promise.
Thursday, March 19, 2009
Friday, March 13, 2009
The Week and a Half Update
*This post is erratic, and a bit sloppy. There are also little snippets of conversations everywhere. I apologize, but there are thoughts and feelings whipping around my brain at breakneck speed.
Since the first couple days, where we texted back and forth, and talked on the phone a couple times, we've been fairly quiet towards each other. Quiet, I suppose, compared to the literal 100 or so texts we would send each other every day while we were still having the affair. Our texts and phone calls have been innocent, just regular chit-chat.
Then yesterday he sent me a dirty text, right out of the blue. I played innocent, answering back to what he asked, and he came back with "You are far from innocent missy!" I texted back saying I had no idea what he was talking about, and didn't give anything more. Twenty minutes later he texted me again, "What are you wearing?"
Oh boy. I was working from home yesterday. Thus, wasn't wearing much. I texted him back "pink lace tank, and white panties with pink lace around the legs," which was the truth. His response? "Innocent my ass!!! Is the tank new? Damn...I wish I could see you in it..."
So these texts went back and forth, me never saying anything particularly dirty, but him going a bit wild with the vision of what I was wearing. My only slip was when he said "Nothing makes a board meeting better than sitting here thinking about someone, and of the way their pussy feels," and I responded with "Well as long as mine enters your stream of consciousness every once in a while..."
He responded, "You know I'm only thinking of you, you're the one that I want."
Goddammitmotherfucker.
This morning I sent him a quick message, asking if he wanted to get together for coffee after work. He responded that he would love to, but it would have to be quick, since he was picking up his kid from daycare.
I got to the coffee place before him, and sent him a message telling him I was at a table, and had gotten him his usual. Of course he would have to pick a place where it seems every construction worker in the city congregates. This coffee shop is always crawling with tradesmen, and as I looked around, I realized that every table was full, and I was one of only two women in there. I sent him a quick message "Hurry your ass up! I'm getting eye fucked by half the people in here!"
Two minutes later he pulled up, and as I watched him walk from his car, I caught my breath. I hadn't realized how much I missed him. He strolled in with a grin on his gorgeous face, and I found myself grinning back like a little girl.
He sat down and we immediately started talking, about his day, about mine, about our kids. It came easily, effortlessly, as things between us always have. It wasn't awkward, or uncomfortable, but natural. When we finally stopped talking for a moment, I looked up from my coffee to find him staring at me. It was that stare that looks past my eyes, right into my soul, that sucks the breath from my body, and would have made my legs weak if I'd been standing up. "You look good, Kate, really good. Gorgeous even."
I blushed immediately, and thanked him. He looked around at all the guys seated around us, "No wonder you got eye fucked," he laughed. At one point he reached out and ran his finger down my arm, and it was all I could do not to shiver noticeably. It went on like that, us being happy and natural, till all too soon he said he had to leave to get to daycare.
As we walked out to our cars, he stopped and said "Come give me a hug." I turned towards him, and he enveloped me in his arms. As I was breathing him in, he told me I smelled amazing, and then asked if I had gotten smaller. He has always teased me about being short, but today he really did seem absolutely enormous. Finally he let me go, and asked me to call him once I got in my car.
As soon as I was driving, I called him. Again, we fell effortlessly into conversation, talking about our plans for the weekend, and the next week. Finally he said "I'm really glad you asked me to meet you Kate." To which I said "You know I always want to hang out with you, but you're so busy all the time, I hate for you to waste time with me." He answered back sternly "My time is never wasted with you! You know that! Just seeing you makes me happy, brings me back to earth - when I'm with you I don't think about anything else. I don't stress or worry about anything. All I think about is you."
Then I switched the conversation to what I was doing, since I had stopped at a mall, so I could browse while I was talking to him. He asked what I was looking at (clothes), and kept telling me to go try things on, and take pictures to send him. When I listed the colors of a particular shirt that I was looking at, he told me which color to pick, because he had always thought I looked pretty in this, or in that. He encouraged me to buy the sundress I was looking at, since he knew it would show my shoulders, which he loves.
Then he said "Hey, aren't you going to be alone this weekend? Why don't you take some pictures for me?" I thought about that for a moment, then said "What kind of pictures?" He said "Just you, in your new clothes, or...whatever." I could hear him grinning on the other end of the phone. "Well really, I can't send you anything dirty, since we're done being bad..." His response was too perfect "Well, just think, if I was to see you on a beach, I'd be seeing a lot of skin. So you can show me that much skin...and well, if you happen to have a sexy smile, or maybe you're laying in such a way that I can see a little more....then so be it!" "We'll see," I told him.
Then we slipped back into casual conversation, before he suddenly said "I didn't realize how much I missed you until I saw your face. I miss you a lot. When I walked in, and saw you...it hit me." "I know..." I whispered back, "I miss you too."
And I do miss him, immensely, but ending the affair was still the right thing to do. I can honestly say that I don't regret it, and that I haven't cried or been distraught since we decided it was done. How that is possible, I have no idea. My only guess is that it had become so complicated, and so messy, that it was a relief to say it was over.
Am I still in love with him? Oh god, yes.
Do I still want him? Oooh, yes.
Would I let it get physical again? I'm leaving that purely up to him. I won't be the one to instigate it though.
So for now, it's still over. I don't know if it will last or not. But for now at least, we're both happy, which is what we want for each other. We'll keep flirting, and joking, and seeing each other, but beyond talking about how we feel? I honestly don't know.
Since the first couple days, where we texted back and forth, and talked on the phone a couple times, we've been fairly quiet towards each other. Quiet, I suppose, compared to the literal 100 or so texts we would send each other every day while we were still having the affair. Our texts and phone calls have been innocent, just regular chit-chat.
Then yesterday he sent me a dirty text, right out of the blue. I played innocent, answering back to what he asked, and he came back with "You are far from innocent missy!" I texted back saying I had no idea what he was talking about, and didn't give anything more. Twenty minutes later he texted me again, "What are you wearing?"
Oh boy. I was working from home yesterday. Thus, wasn't wearing much. I texted him back "pink lace tank, and white panties with pink lace around the legs," which was the truth. His response? "Innocent my ass!!! Is the tank new? Damn...I wish I could see you in it..."
So these texts went back and forth, me never saying anything particularly dirty, but him going a bit wild with the vision of what I was wearing. My only slip was when he said "Nothing makes a board meeting better than sitting here thinking about someone, and of the way their pussy feels," and I responded with "Well as long as mine enters your stream of consciousness every once in a while..."
He responded, "You know I'm only thinking of you, you're the one that I want."
Goddammitmotherfucker.
This morning I sent him a quick message, asking if he wanted to get together for coffee after work. He responded that he would love to, but it would have to be quick, since he was picking up his kid from daycare.
I got to the coffee place before him, and sent him a message telling him I was at a table, and had gotten him his usual. Of course he would have to pick a place where it seems every construction worker in the city congregates. This coffee shop is always crawling with tradesmen, and as I looked around, I realized that every table was full, and I was one of only two women in there. I sent him a quick message "Hurry your ass up! I'm getting eye fucked by half the people in here!"
Two minutes later he pulled up, and as I watched him walk from his car, I caught my breath. I hadn't realized how much I missed him. He strolled in with a grin on his gorgeous face, and I found myself grinning back like a little girl.
He sat down and we immediately started talking, about his day, about mine, about our kids. It came easily, effortlessly, as things between us always have. It wasn't awkward, or uncomfortable, but natural. When we finally stopped talking for a moment, I looked up from my coffee to find him staring at me. It was that stare that looks past my eyes, right into my soul, that sucks the breath from my body, and would have made my legs weak if I'd been standing up. "You look good, Kate, really good. Gorgeous even."
I blushed immediately, and thanked him. He looked around at all the guys seated around us, "No wonder you got eye fucked," he laughed. At one point he reached out and ran his finger down my arm, and it was all I could do not to shiver noticeably. It went on like that, us being happy and natural, till all too soon he said he had to leave to get to daycare.
As we walked out to our cars, he stopped and said "Come give me a hug." I turned towards him, and he enveloped me in his arms. As I was breathing him in, he told me I smelled amazing, and then asked if I had gotten smaller. He has always teased me about being short, but today he really did seem absolutely enormous. Finally he let me go, and asked me to call him once I got in my car.
As soon as I was driving, I called him. Again, we fell effortlessly into conversation, talking about our plans for the weekend, and the next week. Finally he said "I'm really glad you asked me to meet you Kate." To which I said "You know I always want to hang out with you, but you're so busy all the time, I hate for you to waste time with me." He answered back sternly "My time is never wasted with you! You know that! Just seeing you makes me happy, brings me back to earth - when I'm with you I don't think about anything else. I don't stress or worry about anything. All I think about is you."
Then I switched the conversation to what I was doing, since I had stopped at a mall, so I could browse while I was talking to him. He asked what I was looking at (clothes), and kept telling me to go try things on, and take pictures to send him. When I listed the colors of a particular shirt that I was looking at, he told me which color to pick, because he had always thought I looked pretty in this, or in that. He encouraged me to buy the sundress I was looking at, since he knew it would show my shoulders, which he loves.
Then he said "Hey, aren't you going to be alone this weekend? Why don't you take some pictures for me?" I thought about that for a moment, then said "What kind of pictures?" He said "Just you, in your new clothes, or...whatever." I could hear him grinning on the other end of the phone. "Well really, I can't send you anything dirty, since we're done being bad..." His response was too perfect "Well, just think, if I was to see you on a beach, I'd be seeing a lot of skin. So you can show me that much skin...and well, if you happen to have a sexy smile, or maybe you're laying in such a way that I can see a little more....then so be it!" "We'll see," I told him.
Then we slipped back into casual conversation, before he suddenly said "I didn't realize how much I missed you until I saw your face. I miss you a lot. When I walked in, and saw you...it hit me." "I know..." I whispered back, "I miss you too."
And I do miss him, immensely, but ending the affair was still the right thing to do. I can honestly say that I don't regret it, and that I haven't cried or been distraught since we decided it was done. How that is possible, I have no idea. My only guess is that it had become so complicated, and so messy, that it was a relief to say it was over.
Am I still in love with him? Oh god, yes.
Do I still want him? Oooh, yes.
Would I let it get physical again? I'm leaving that purely up to him. I won't be the one to instigate it though.
So for now, it's still over. I don't know if it will last or not. But for now at least, we're both happy, which is what we want for each other. We'll keep flirting, and joking, and seeing each other, but beyond talking about how we feel? I honestly don't know.
Tuesday, March 10, 2009
And As Quickly As It Began, It Was Over
I've been gone for nearly a month, so let's back up the truck a bit.
When I wrote that last post, about how confused I was, and how it was glaringly obvious that TDH was in the same boat, I was actually teetering on the edge between wanting the affair to be over, and desperately trying to hold on to it. I had begun to remove myself from the situation a little, and try to see it in it's entirety, instead of just the little part I was trying to hold on to. Once I did that, I realized that I didn't like what I was seeing.
I'm a confident person. Not arrogant or high on myself, but sure of myself, my abilities, and my mindset. When I pulled back from the affair a little, I realized that I was losing myself in it. I was becoming timid, and unsure, and clinging to something that just wasn't meant to be.
And crazy as it may seem, someone that I've just "met" really put it into perspective for me when in an email, he said: You deserve better. Think about why you started seeing him in the first place--he was giving you what you needed. Ask yourself: is he still?
The answer was no. He wasn't, and therefore neither was the affair.
There are two reasons I was holding on to something that in my heart of hearts, I knew was doomed - I love him, and I was scared that ending the affair would mean I would lose him completely. Because beyond our affair, we were great friends, and still were - and that was just something I wasn't willing to risk.
Two weeks ago he sent me a text - it said "We need to talk. Face to face." I didn't panic or cry, I just said that sounded like a good idea to me, and when could we get together? Turns out we couldn't see each other in person for about 5 days. So I went to meet up with him feeling a little nervous, but oddly content, because I knew that soon it would be over.
As a side note - how bizarre is that? Being happy to end an affair that you actually still want to be involved in?
Anyways, we met, I jumped in his car, and we started talking. We were both happy to see each other, and began talking about anything and everything, except the affair. Forty-five minutes later I stepped out of his car, got into mine, and drove home. As I drove away I cursed myself for not ending it when I had the chance.
Later that day he sent me another text, "We still have to talk."
Talk about dragging it out.
Wednesday I called him. This is how the first minute played out:
TDH - I don't know how to start this...I guess...just...well, I've been doing some thinking...
Kate - Uh huh?
TDH - Yeah...
Kate - Go on.
TDH - Well...I think the affair portion of our relationship has to be over. (Then he started talking really fast.) You know I love you, but I've been thinking about my relationship with my wife, and I really want to make it work with her. And it's been really hard, trying to be fair to you when I'm trying to make it work with her, and I...
Kate - I completely agree with you.
TDH - (shocked silence)
Kate - Hello?
TDH - You...you do?
Kate - Yeah. This is just getting too hard. I love you, but this relationship is making me crazy. I'm not even myself anymore.
TDH - Wow.
Kate - What?
TDH - This is just...so much easier than I thought it was going to be!
Kate - Well to tell you the truth, I was hoping it would have been over a couple weeks ago, but I just couldn't make myself do it, because I was scared of losing you completely.
TDH - I know! I never want to be without you Kate, you know that, but for now I need to focus on my marriage.
Kate - I get that, don't worry! This is what I want too.
TDH - So when can we hang out? I miss seeing you.
And since that day, which was 6 days ago, we've talked on the phone and over text, and it's amazing how much happier we both are. I'm not worried about slipping back into the affair, because we were both ready for it to be over. Though I must confess, over the rest of our "break-up" talk, he made it perfectly clear that should his relationship with his wife not work out, he would be knocking at my door.
So now I'm happy...and content, and at peace, and delighted that we're in a good place. I love him, and will continue to, but for now, we're where we should be.
When I wrote that last post, about how confused I was, and how it was glaringly obvious that TDH was in the same boat, I was actually teetering on the edge between wanting the affair to be over, and desperately trying to hold on to it. I had begun to remove myself from the situation a little, and try to see it in it's entirety, instead of just the little part I was trying to hold on to. Once I did that, I realized that I didn't like what I was seeing.
I'm a confident person. Not arrogant or high on myself, but sure of myself, my abilities, and my mindset. When I pulled back from the affair a little, I realized that I was losing myself in it. I was becoming timid, and unsure, and clinging to something that just wasn't meant to be.
And crazy as it may seem, someone that I've just "met" really put it into perspective for me when in an email, he said: You deserve better. Think about why you started seeing him in the first place--he was giving you what you needed. Ask yourself: is he still?
The answer was no. He wasn't, and therefore neither was the affair.
There are two reasons I was holding on to something that in my heart of hearts, I knew was doomed - I love him, and I was scared that ending the affair would mean I would lose him completely. Because beyond our affair, we were great friends, and still were - and that was just something I wasn't willing to risk.
Two weeks ago he sent me a text - it said "We need to talk. Face to face." I didn't panic or cry, I just said that sounded like a good idea to me, and when could we get together? Turns out we couldn't see each other in person for about 5 days. So I went to meet up with him feeling a little nervous, but oddly content, because I knew that soon it would be over.
As a side note - how bizarre is that? Being happy to end an affair that you actually still want to be involved in?
Anyways, we met, I jumped in his car, and we started talking. We were both happy to see each other, and began talking about anything and everything, except the affair. Forty-five minutes later I stepped out of his car, got into mine, and drove home. As I drove away I cursed myself for not ending it when I had the chance.
Later that day he sent me another text, "We still have to talk."
Talk about dragging it out.
Wednesday I called him. This is how the first minute played out:
TDH - I don't know how to start this...I guess...just...well, I've been doing some thinking...
Kate - Uh huh?
TDH - Yeah...
Kate - Go on.
TDH - Well...I think the affair portion of our relationship has to be over. (Then he started talking really fast.) You know I love you, but I've been thinking about my relationship with my wife, and I really want to make it work with her. And it's been really hard, trying to be fair to you when I'm trying to make it work with her, and I...
Kate - I completely agree with you.
TDH - (shocked silence)
Kate - Hello?
TDH - You...you do?
Kate - Yeah. This is just getting too hard. I love you, but this relationship is making me crazy. I'm not even myself anymore.
TDH - Wow.
Kate - What?
TDH - This is just...so much easier than I thought it was going to be!
Kate - Well to tell you the truth, I was hoping it would have been over a couple weeks ago, but I just couldn't make myself do it, because I was scared of losing you completely.
TDH - I know! I never want to be without you Kate, you know that, but for now I need to focus on my marriage.
Kate - I get that, don't worry! This is what I want too.
TDH - So when can we hang out? I miss seeing you.
And since that day, which was 6 days ago, we've talked on the phone and over text, and it's amazing how much happier we both are. I'm not worried about slipping back into the affair, because we were both ready for it to be over. Though I must confess, over the rest of our "break-up" talk, he made it perfectly clear that should his relationship with his wife not work out, he would be knocking at my door.
So now I'm happy...and content, and at peace, and delighted that we're in a good place. I love him, and will continue to, but for now, we're where we should be.
Wednesday, February 25, 2009
K-A-T-E Spells: Confused
This affair has turned into so much more than an affair. It has morphed into something far beyond the jumping off point of sneaky caresses, stolen moments, back roads fucking, liking, respecting, and loving each other into this whole other...thing.
Instead of lunch breaks spent hiding out in some parking lot, or the dark corner booth of some restaurant, it's become public coffee meetings, phone calls while we grocery shop, once a week private meetings, dirty pictures and msn chats, with the occasional profession of love thrown in for good measure.
TDH is struggling at the moment. He's going through some fairly significant health issues, is having an all out battle with his morals, and because of both of those, he's also dealing with his own mortality. I'm trying to be supportive and to give him as much space and/or support as he needs, but all his struggling is resulting in him being someone who is increasingly hard to understand.
On the one hand he wants to devote himself to his wife, to repairing their marriage and being "committed" to her. On the other hand there's me. Me along with his wife, as has been going on for over 2 years now.
A week or so ago this all came tumbling out. It seems though, that regardless of what his choice is, I'm still included in his life. Confused? Yeah, me too. So what does this mean? He loves me - he doesn't - he wants to have sex - no he doesn't - apparently the line that has to be crossed to achieve his relationship with me changes everyday. Some days it's no problem for us to be walking to our cars after having coffee and for him to shove me between two cars, shove his hand into my panties, and kiss me till I'm breathless. Other days he's standoffish, and we chat on the phone or over text like we're nothing more than good friends.
As he tried to explain this all to me, and I listened, trying to wrap my head around it - I finally just blurted out "Well, maybe if I was out of your life, you wouldn't be struggling with your morals, and it might help you to focus on your marriage."
His reply to that? "Nope. It doesn't work that way. I need you in my life - no out for you. The struggle is not part of how I feel about you - that hasn't changed - and won't - I don't want to end it with you - of course I feel things for you (that'd be LOVE btw) - this struggle has to do with the affect of my choices in balancing my life..."
Still confused? Yep, me too.
The next night we were chatting online and the current line of conversation was how he would like me to greet him at the door when he got home from work if we were married. I was in the middle of explaining a whole modern-day housewife look - stilettos, apron, button up dress with a hint of black lace peeking out, fresh lipstick and dinner in the oven - when he says this:
Instead of lunch breaks spent hiding out in some parking lot, or the dark corner booth of some restaurant, it's become public coffee meetings, phone calls while we grocery shop, once a week private meetings, dirty pictures and msn chats, with the occasional profession of love thrown in for good measure.
TDH is struggling at the moment. He's going through some fairly significant health issues, is having an all out battle with his morals, and because of both of those, he's also dealing with his own mortality. I'm trying to be supportive and to give him as much space and/or support as he needs, but all his struggling is resulting in him being someone who is increasingly hard to understand.
On the one hand he wants to devote himself to his wife, to repairing their marriage and being "committed" to her. On the other hand there's me. Me along with his wife, as has been going on for over 2 years now.
A week or so ago this all came tumbling out. It seems though, that regardless of what his choice is, I'm still included in his life. Confused? Yeah, me too. So what does this mean? He loves me - he doesn't - he wants to have sex - no he doesn't - apparently the line that has to be crossed to achieve his relationship with me changes everyday. Some days it's no problem for us to be walking to our cars after having coffee and for him to shove me between two cars, shove his hand into my panties, and kiss me till I'm breathless. Other days he's standoffish, and we chat on the phone or over text like we're nothing more than good friends.
As he tried to explain this all to me, and I listened, trying to wrap my head around it - I finally just blurted out "Well, maybe if I was out of your life, you wouldn't be struggling with your morals, and it might help you to focus on your marriage."
His reply to that? "Nope. It doesn't work that way. I need you in my life - no out for you. The struggle is not part of how I feel about you - that hasn't changed - and won't - I don't want to end it with you - of course I feel things for you (that'd be LOVE btw) - this struggle has to do with the affect of my choices in balancing my life..."
Still confused? Yep, me too.
The next night we were chatting online and the current line of conversation was how he would like me to greet him at the door when he got home from work if we were married. I was in the middle of explaining a whole modern-day housewife look - stilettos, apron, button up dress with a hint of black lace peeking out, fresh lipstick and dinner in the oven - when he says this:
TDH says:
mmmmm - can you just come over and spend the night?
TDH says:
I'll sneak you into my room after my kid goes to bed
Kate says:
If I could, I would
TDH says:
Tell your husband some friend is having a crisis
TDH says:
and you have to go see them
Kate says:
I can't!!
TDH says:
my wife is away, it's a perfect time
Kate says:
Don't tempt me...
TDH says:
I'm not tempting you - I'm flat out asking you to sneak over here for the night
Kate says:
I can't.
TDH says:
come and spend the night with me - at least part of it
Kate says:
I can't, but believe me - there is nothing I would rather do
TDH says:
I want you to come. Please. I want you here...
*I wasn't able to go over that night, but damn, I would really have loved to!
Anyways, then yesterday we were talking about our weekends, and I asked him how his was. He says "It was great. It was so nice to be able to spend time with my wife."
What the fuck? I mean, I'm supportive of you patching things up with your wife, and I know that you're supportive of me staying with my husband, but seriously? I don't want to hear about how nice it was to spend time with her. Don't lovers realize that? I mean, we both know each other is married, and in passing we do bring up our spouses from time to time, but I would never tell him how it was so great to spend time with my husband, because I know that would bother him.
So essentially, all I know from all this is that he loves me, and still wants me, but just how much he will allow himself to have me will change from day to day.
If I wasn't in love with him...
mmmmm - can you just come over and spend the night?
TDH says:
I'll sneak you into my room after my kid goes to bed
Kate says:
If I could, I would
TDH says:
Tell your husband some friend is having a crisis
TDH says:
and you have to go see them
Kate says:
I can't!!
TDH says:
my wife is away, it's a perfect time
Kate says:
Don't tempt me...
TDH says:
I'm not tempting you - I'm flat out asking you to sneak over here for the night
Kate says:
I can't.
TDH says:
come and spend the night with me - at least part of it
Kate says:
I can't, but believe me - there is nothing I would rather do
TDH says:
I want you to come. Please. I want you here...
*I wasn't able to go over that night, but damn, I would really have loved to!
Anyways, then yesterday we were talking about our weekends, and I asked him how his was. He says "It was great. It was so nice to be able to spend time with my wife."
What the fuck? I mean, I'm supportive of you patching things up with your wife, and I know that you're supportive of me staying with my husband, but seriously? I don't want to hear about how nice it was to spend time with her. Don't lovers realize that? I mean, we both know each other is married, and in passing we do bring up our spouses from time to time, but I would never tell him how it was so great to spend time with my husband, because I know that would bother him.
So essentially, all I know from all this is that he loves me, and still wants me, but just how much he will allow himself to have me will change from day to day.
If I wasn't in love with him...
Saturday, February 14, 2009
In Honor of Valentine's Day
As I've mentioned before, sex with TDH is phenomenal. That's not to say that I don't enjoy myself with SH - because I do - but with TDH sex feels the way I think it's "supposed" to feel. Intoxicating, breathtaking, flushed perfection.
He likes for me to be completely naked, and always prefers for there to be some form of light filtering in, so that he can take me in. He's incredibly quick at removing my clothes, but does it in such a way that I don't even realize I'm naked until he's pulled away from me, and is staring. He always says something like "My god, you are so beautiful," and will give me an incredibly slow, deep kiss, and it's almost as though he's seeing me for the first time.
Every move he makes when we're together is natural, and fluid - thought out, but impulsive. When I'm on top and he decides he wants me on my back, the way he flips me around almost seems effortless. He knows every spot that I ache for him to touch, and likes to kiss and nibble my entire body. When we're right in the heat of it, and there's no love making, just fucking, he still pauses long enough to whisper in his deep, smooth voice, "kiss me." And I do.
Even when we're in a hurry, he always takes the time to caress me, run his hands through my hair, look me deep in the eyes, marvel over my body, bite his way up one leg and down the other, and always, always makes me feel beautiful.
Sometimes now, we'll talk about what it's like when we have sex, and he often comments on parts of my body that I've never given a second thought to, or have always hated about myself. He tells me that I have the most perfect nipples, the most beautiful pink color, the perfect shape, the perfect size. He talks about how the color of my eyes is the most amazing color he's ever seen. He says he wants the walls in his house to be their exact shade of slate, so that everywhere he looks, he sees me. He tells me that I have a sexy back, and that he could spend hours running his fingers up and down my spine. He tells me that the way his cock fits so perfectly inside me gives him a pleasure that nothing else could.
I think one of the reasons sex with him is so amazing, is because he's incredibly passionate. He's passionate about me, about what we're doing, about taking each time we have with each other as a gift, so he doesn't want to waste it.
All I want today, is him.
He likes for me to be completely naked, and always prefers for there to be some form of light filtering in, so that he can take me in. He's incredibly quick at removing my clothes, but does it in such a way that I don't even realize I'm naked until he's pulled away from me, and is staring. He always says something like "My god, you are so beautiful," and will give me an incredibly slow, deep kiss, and it's almost as though he's seeing me for the first time.
Every move he makes when we're together is natural, and fluid - thought out, but impulsive. When I'm on top and he decides he wants me on my back, the way he flips me around almost seems effortless. He knows every spot that I ache for him to touch, and likes to kiss and nibble my entire body. When we're right in the heat of it, and there's no love making, just fucking, he still pauses long enough to whisper in his deep, smooth voice, "kiss me." And I do.
Even when we're in a hurry, he always takes the time to caress me, run his hands through my hair, look me deep in the eyes, marvel over my body, bite his way up one leg and down the other, and always, always makes me feel beautiful.
Sometimes now, we'll talk about what it's like when we have sex, and he often comments on parts of my body that I've never given a second thought to, or have always hated about myself. He tells me that I have the most perfect nipples, the most beautiful pink color, the perfect shape, the perfect size. He talks about how the color of my eyes is the most amazing color he's ever seen. He says he wants the walls in his house to be their exact shade of slate, so that everywhere he looks, he sees me. He tells me that I have a sexy back, and that he could spend hours running his fingers up and down my spine. He tells me that the way his cock fits so perfectly inside me gives him a pleasure that nothing else could.
I think one of the reasons sex with him is so amazing, is because he's incredibly passionate. He's passionate about me, about what we're doing, about taking each time we have with each other as a gift, so he doesn't want to waste it.
All I want today, is him.
Friday, February 6, 2009
Okay, So We Had It Out
I'm not going to go into the details, but this week TDH and I had it out about the weirdness between us. Via text message of all the ways to do it. I don't know if anyone else has ever had an argument over text, but it's maddening. Unfortunately at the time, he wasn't able to call me, and I just couldn't wait 5 hours until he was able to, so texting it was.
It was scary, and harsh, and some things came to light that terrified us both, but for now at least, I think we're moving back to where we were.
I'm sorry to all my male readers, but I need to generalize here, just for my own sanity...why is it that men insist nothing is wrong until they make the woman (or at least one of the women) in their life nearly have a breakdown, because the woman is smart enough to know something is up, then eventually the man just lets it all pour out, when if he had just confessed what was going on in the first place, the entire fight/argument/misunderstanding could have been avoided in the first place?!?!? Fuck.
*I know all men aren't really like this - but in my experiences with both SH and TDH, this is always the case.
Anyways, part of what came out is that I haven't been myself lately. I have to admit though, that I knew this was the case, and that TDH was not the first person to mention it to me. I'm taking steps (not just for him, but for myself) to get myself back on track, and I'm feeling better already.
One of the things he said to me was "I just want my Kate back."
That hurt, but I know he's right - Kate needs to step back into the picture.
On a happier note, no matter what our emotional standing, our sexual desire for each other never seems to waver - big surprise. When we can't see each other in person, we make great use of our webcams, and since the text "breakthrough" we seem to be using them even more.
His latest idea is to buy me about 50 feet of extra cable, so that I can drag the cam around with me so that he never has to miss out on what I'm doing during the day. Of course, he seems to be particularly interested in what goes on while I shower, get dressed, masturbate, etc. So we'll see what happens...
It was scary, and harsh, and some things came to light that terrified us both, but for now at least, I think we're moving back to where we were.
I'm sorry to all my male readers, but I need to generalize here, just for my own sanity...why is it that men insist nothing is wrong until they make the woman (or at least one of the women) in their life nearly have a breakdown, because the woman is smart enough to know something is up, then eventually the man just lets it all pour out, when if he had just confessed what was going on in the first place, the entire fight/argument/misunderstanding could have been avoided in the first place?!?!? Fuck.
*I know all men aren't really like this - but in my experiences with both SH and TDH, this is always the case.
Anyways, part of what came out is that I haven't been myself lately. I have to admit though, that I knew this was the case, and that TDH was not the first person to mention it to me. I'm taking steps (not just for him, but for myself) to get myself back on track, and I'm feeling better already.
One of the things he said to me was "I just want my Kate back."
That hurt, but I know he's right - Kate needs to step back into the picture.
On a happier note, no matter what our emotional standing, our sexual desire for each other never seems to waver - big surprise. When we can't see each other in person, we make great use of our webcams, and since the text "breakthrough" we seem to be using them even more.
His latest idea is to buy me about 50 feet of extra cable, so that I can drag the cam around with me so that he never has to miss out on what I'm doing during the day. Of course, he seems to be particularly interested in what goes on while I shower, get dressed, masturbate, etc. So we'll see what happens...
Sunday, February 1, 2009
Random Thoughts As a Way of Catching Up
I do apologize for being so sporadic with my posts. But when you have a husband that works shift-work, and is on the craziest schedule imaginable, it can be difficult to get to the computer when it's "safe".
Life in general has been insanely busy, without anything really going on. A bit of a contradiction there I realize, but it seems the best way to explain it. I guess I mean there have been no big events worth mentioning, but work is crazy, DD is learning new things by the day, I've been busy with girlfriends, and SH has been surprisingly attentive over the past month.
Since the "fight" between TDH and I way back at the beginning of January, it seems that things haven't quite gotten back to normal. We did finally get to see each other mid-January - and it was bitter-sweet. The bitter-sweetness was because we were sort of arguing via text while I was on my way to his place, then when I got there it was awkward.
See, I wanted to walk in the door and straighten all the bullshit from our fight out right away, but as soon as I walked in his face lit up, and he wrapped his arms around me, and then...well, you know...I was pretty much putty.
Though I must applaud myself, when I finally dis-entangled myself from his arms, I did sit on the opposite side of the couch from him and tell him we needed to straighten things out.
But you know, then he's insisting that everything is fine, and he's tilting his head and grinning at me, and asking me to go get something from my jacket because "then I can watch you walk over there."
Anyways, we talked for about half an hour, then he wanted to show me something he'd bought himself after Christmas, but when I followed him down the hall, suddenly I was pressed up against the wall, and my shirt was off, and he was kissing me so hard I could barely breathe, and then my pants were unbuttoned...and damn. I left 45 minutes later (late for an appointment) with my hair all over the fucking place, bite marks on my neck (thank god for long hair!), his scent on my skin, and damp panties.
We've seen each other a few times since then, all in public settings where we have to sit at a table and play innocent, but still, I love those times together.
But here's where I'm confused - prior to our fight, nearly every conversation with TDH was littered with I like yous, I love yous, I miss yous - but since the fight? Nada. If I say it first he's always quick to say it back, but he's quit saying it on his own.
I have asked him about it, but he insists that he still feels the same, and that "You should know how I feel about you by now." I told him that that's true, I believe I do know how he feels, but isn't it nice to have someone tell you once in a while?
Someone tell me - am I just being supremely annoying and needy about this? I've only asked him about it that once, but I'm thinking about it constantly. And it wouldn't bother me so much if he hadn't always been so forthcoming with emotions like that in the past.
Thoughts? Anyone?
**********
Life in general has been insanely busy, without anything really going on. A bit of a contradiction there I realize, but it seems the best way to explain it. I guess I mean there have been no big events worth mentioning, but work is crazy, DD is learning new things by the day, I've been busy with girlfriends, and SH has been surprisingly attentive over the past month.
**********
Since the "fight" between TDH and I way back at the beginning of January, it seems that things haven't quite gotten back to normal. We did finally get to see each other mid-January - and it was bitter-sweet. The bitter-sweetness was because we were sort of arguing via text while I was on my way to his place, then when I got there it was awkward.
See, I wanted to walk in the door and straighten all the bullshit from our fight out right away, but as soon as I walked in his face lit up, and he wrapped his arms around me, and then...well, you know...I was pretty much putty.
Though I must applaud myself, when I finally dis-entangled myself from his arms, I did sit on the opposite side of the couch from him and tell him we needed to straighten things out.
But you know, then he's insisting that everything is fine, and he's tilting his head and grinning at me, and asking me to go get something from my jacket because "then I can watch you walk over there."
Anyways, we talked for about half an hour, then he wanted to show me something he'd bought himself after Christmas, but when I followed him down the hall, suddenly I was pressed up against the wall, and my shirt was off, and he was kissing me so hard I could barely breathe, and then my pants were unbuttoned...and damn. I left 45 minutes later (late for an appointment) with my hair all over the fucking place, bite marks on my neck (thank god for long hair!), his scent on my skin, and damp panties.
We've seen each other a few times since then, all in public settings where we have to sit at a table and play innocent, but still, I love those times together.
But here's where I'm confused - prior to our fight, nearly every conversation with TDH was littered with I like yous, I love yous, I miss yous - but since the fight? Nada. If I say it first he's always quick to say it back, but he's quit saying it on his own.
I have asked him about it, but he insists that he still feels the same, and that "You should know how I feel about you by now." I told him that that's true, I believe I do know how he feels, but isn't it nice to have someone tell you once in a while?
Someone tell me - am I just being supremely annoying and needy about this? I've only asked him about it that once, but I'm thinking about it constantly. And it wouldn't bother me so much if he hadn't always been so forthcoming with emotions like that in the past.
Thoughts? Anyone?
**********
Thank you all so much for your advice on my "gardening dilemma". Your answers were all great, and some of them had me literally laughing out loud to myself. I did answer you all in my comments.
I agree with the majority of you as well, that a bare kitty is the best one, but - the things we do for our lovers, right?
Anyways, I do believe I've decided to go with just a small strip for now, and see how I feel about that. TDH is so excited (what a thing to get excited about, lol) that he says the anticipation is almost more than he can take.
I agree with the majority of you as well, that a bare kitty is the best one, but - the things we do for our lovers, right?
Anyways, I do believe I've decided to go with just a small strip for now, and see how I feel about that. TDH is so excited (what a thing to get excited about, lol) that he says the anticipation is almost more than he can take.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
