K-A-T-E Spells: Confused

This affair has turned into so much more than an affair. It has morphed into something far beyond the jumping off point of sneaky caresses, stolen moments, back roads fucking, liking, respecting, and loving each other into this whole other...thing.

Instead of lunch breaks spent hiding out in some parking lot, or the dark corner booth of some restaurant, it's become public coffee meetings, phone calls while we grocery shop, once a week private meetings, dirty pictures and msn chats, with the occasional profession of love thrown in for good measure.

TDH is struggling at the moment. He's going through some fairly significant health issues, is having an all out battle with his morals, and because of both of those, he's also dealing with his own mortality. I'm trying to be supportive and to give him as much space and/or support as he needs, but all his struggling is resulting in him being someone who is increasingly hard to understand.

On the one hand he wants to devote himself to his wife, to repairing their marriage and being "committed" to her. On the other hand there's me. Me along with his wife, as has been going on for over 2 years now.

A week or so ago this all came tumbling out. It seems though, that regardless of what his choice is, I'm still included in his life. Confused? Yeah, me too. So what does this mean? He loves me - he doesn't - he wants to have sex - no he doesn't - apparently the line that has to be crossed to achieve his relationship with me changes everyday. Some days it's no problem for us to be walking to our cars after having coffee and for him to shove me between two cars, shove his hand into my panties, and kiss me till I'm breathless. Other days he's standoffish, and we chat on the phone or over text like we're nothing more than good friends.

As he tried to explain this all to me, and I listened, trying to wrap my head around it - I finally just blurted out "Well, maybe if I was out of your life, you wouldn't be struggling with your morals, and it might help you to focus on your marriage."

His reply to that? "Nope. It doesn't work that way. I need you in my life - no out for you. The struggle is not part of how I feel about you - that hasn't changed - and won't - I don't want to end it with you - of course I feel things for you (that'd be LOVE btw) - this struggle has to do with the affect of my choices in balancing my life..."

Still confused? Yep, me too.

The next night we were chatting online and the current line of conversation was how he would like me to greet him at the door when he got home from work if we were married. I was in the middle of explaining a whole modern-day housewife look - stilettos, apron, button up dress with a hint of black lace peeking out, fresh lipstick and dinner in the oven - when he says this:

TDH says:
mmmmm - can you just come over and spend the night?
TDH says:
I'll sneak you into my room after my kid goes to bed
Kate says:
If I could, I would
TDH says:
Tell your husband some friend is having a crisis
TDH says:
and you have to go see them
Kate says:
I can't!!
TDH says:
my wife is away, it's a perfect time
Kate says:
Don't tempt me...
TDH says:
I'm not tempting you - I'm flat out asking you to sneak over here for the night
Kate says:
I can't.
TDH says:
come and spend the night with me - at least part of it
Kate says:
I can't, but believe me - there is nothing I would rather do
TDH says:
I want you to come. Please. I want you here...

*I wasn't able to go over that night, but damn, I would really have loved to!

Anyways, then yesterday we were talking about our weekends, and I asked him how his was. He says "It was great. It was so nice to be able to spend time with my wife."

What the fuck? I mean, I'm supportive of you patching things up with your wife, and I know that you're supportive of me staying with my husband, but seriously? I don't want to hear about how nice it was to spend time with her. Don't lovers realize that? I mean, we both know each other is married, and in passing we do bring up our spouses from time to time, but I would never tell him how it was so great to spend time with my husband, because I know that would bother him.

So essentially, all I know from all this is that he loves me, and still wants me, but just how much he will allow himself to have me will change from day to day.

If I wasn't in love with him...

In Honor of Valentine's Day

As I've mentioned before, sex with TDH is phenomenal. That's not to say that I don't enjoy myself with SH - because I do - but with TDH sex feels the way I think it's "supposed" to feel. Intoxicating, breathtaking, flushed perfection.

He likes for me to be completely naked, and always prefers for there to be some form of light filtering in, so that he can take me in. He's incredibly quick at removing my clothes, but does it in such a way that I don't even realize I'm naked until he's pulled away from me, and is staring. He always says something like "My god, you are so beautiful," and will give me an incredibly slow, deep kiss, and it's almost as though he's seeing me for the first time.

Every move he makes when we're together is natural, and fluid - thought out, but impulsive. When I'm on top and he decides he wants me on my back, the way he flips me around almost seems effortless. He knows every spot that I ache for him to touch, and likes to kiss and nibble my entire body. When we're right in the heat of it, and there's no love making, just fucking, he still pauses long enough to whisper in his deep, smooth voice, "kiss me." And I do.

Even when we're in a hurry, he always takes the time to caress me, run his hands through my hair, look me deep in the eyes, marvel over my body, bite his way up one leg and down the other, and always, always makes me feel beautiful.

Sometimes now, we'll talk about what it's like when we have sex, and he often comments on parts of my body that I've never given a second thought to, or have always hated about myself. He tells me that I have the most perfect nipples, the most beautiful pink color, the perfect shape, the perfect size. He talks about how the color of my eyes is the most amazing color he's ever seen. He says he wants the walls in his house to be their exact shade of slate, so that everywhere he looks, he sees me. He tells me that I have a sexy back, and that he could spend hours running his fingers up and down my spine. He tells me that the way his cock fits so perfectly inside me gives him a pleasure that nothing else could.

I think one of the reasons sex with him is so amazing, is because he's incredibly passionate. He's passionate about me, about what we're doing, about taking each time we have with each other as a gift, so he doesn't want to waste it.

All I want today, is him.

Okay, So We Had It Out

I'm not going to go into the details, but this week TDH and I had it out about the weirdness between us. Via text message of all the ways to do it. I don't know if anyone else has ever had an argument over text, but it's maddening. Unfortunately at the time, he wasn't able to call me, and I just couldn't wait 5 hours until he was able to, so texting it was.
It was scary, and harsh, and some things came to light that terrified us both, but for now at least, I think we're moving back to where we were.

I'm sorry to all my male readers, but I need to generalize here, just for my own sanity...why is it that men insist nothing is wrong until they make the woman (or at least one of the women) in their life nearly have a breakdown, because the woman is smart enough to know something is up, then eventually the man just lets it all pour out, when if he had just confessed what was going on in the first place, the entire fight/argument/misunderstanding could have been avoided in the first place?!?!? Fuck.

*I know all men aren't really like this - but in my experiences with both SH and TDH, this is always the case.

Anyways, part of what came out is that I haven't been myself lately. I have to admit though, that I knew this was the case, and that TDH was not the first person to mention it to me. I'm taking steps (not just for him, but for myself) to get myself back on track, and I'm feeling better already.

One of the things he said to me was "I just want my Kate back."
That hurt, but I know he's right - Kate needs to step back into the picture.



On a happier note, no matter what our emotional standing, our sexual desire for each other never seems to waver - big surprise. When we can't see each other in person, we make great use of our webcams, and since the text "breakthrough" we seem to be using them even more.
His latest idea is to buy me about 50 feet of extra cable, so that I can drag the cam around with me so that he never has to miss out on what I'm doing during the day. Of course, he seems to be particularly interested in what goes on while I shower, get dressed, masturbate, etc. So we'll see what happens...

Random Thoughts As a Way of Catching Up

I do apologize for being so sporadic with my posts. But when you have a husband that works shift-work, and is on the craziest schedule imaginable, it can be difficult to get to the computer when it's "safe".

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Life in general has been insanely busy, without anything really going on. A bit of a contradiction there I realize, but it seems the best way to explain it. I guess I mean there have been no big events worth mentioning, but work is crazy, DD is learning new things by the day, I've been busy with girlfriends, and SH has been surprisingly attentive over the past month.

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Since the "fight" between TDH and I way back at the beginning of January, it seems that things haven't quite gotten back to normal. We did finally get to see each other mid-January - and it was bitter-sweet. The bitter-sweetness was because we were sort of arguing via text while I was on my way to his place, then when I got there it was awkward.
See, I wanted to walk in the door and straighten all the bullshit from our fight out right away, but as soon as I walked in his face lit up, and he wrapped his arms around me, and then...well, you know...I was pretty much putty.
Though I must applaud myself, when I finally dis-entangled myself from his arms, I did sit on the opposite side of the couch from him and tell him we needed to straighten things out.
But you know, then he's insisting that everything is fine, and he's tilting his head and grinning at me, and asking me to go get something from my jacket because "then I can watch you walk over there."
Anyways, we talked for about half an hour, then he wanted to show me something he'd bought himself after Christmas, but when I followed him down the hall, suddenly I was pressed up against the wall, and my shirt was off, and he was kissing me so hard I could barely breathe, and then my pants were unbuttoned...and damn. I left 45 minutes later (late for an appointment) with my hair all over the fucking place, bite marks on my neck (thank god for long hair!), his scent on my skin, and damp panties.
We've seen each other a few times since then, all in public settings where we have to sit at a table and play innocent, but still, I love those times together.
But here's where I'm confused - prior to our fight, nearly every conversation with TDH was littered with I like yous, I love yous, I miss yous - but since the fight? Nada. If I say it first he's always quick to say it back, but he's quit saying it on his own.
I have asked him about it, but he insists that he still feels the same, and that "You should know how I feel about you by now." I told him that that's true, I believe I do know how he feels, but isn't it nice to have someone tell you once in a while?

Someone tell me - am I just being supremely annoying and needy about this? I've only asked him about it that once, but I'm thinking about it constantly. And it wouldn't bother me so much if he hadn't always been so forthcoming with emotions like that in the past.

Thoughts? Anyone?

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Thank you all so much for your advice on my "gardening dilemma". Your answers were all great, and some of them had me literally laughing out loud to myself. I did answer you all in my comments.
I agree with the majority of you as well, that a bare kitty is the best one, but - the things we do for our lovers, right?
Anyways, I do believe I've decided to go with just a small strip for now, and see how I feel about that. TDH is so excited (what a thing to get excited about, lol) that he says the anticipation is almost more than he can take.