And I Thought I Was Ballsy

By way of lightening the mood around here, I've decided to write about something that both flattered me, and gave me a really good giggle when I needed it.

SH and I had made plans one Friday night to meet for dinner after work. We picked a place downtown, so I wouldn't have to drive too far, and he decided to get there a little before me to ensure we got in.

When I got there, my husband stood up to greet me by giving me a light peck on the cheek. He took my coat, and our waiter - cute, about 25 - helped me into my seat. I was dressed up since I'd just come from work, and I noticed our waiter checking out my heels. I smiled, thinking how nice it was for him to notice something like that, and didn't think anything of it.

He left us alone to look over the menus, and we made chit chat while we decided what to eat. After he decided what he was having, my husband excused himself to go to the restroom to wash his hands before dinner. I, apparently being a dirty girl, stayed at the table and ordered myself a drink.

So our waiter came over to deliver my drink, and I thanked him and flashed a smile. And he stood there. So I took a sip, said "Mmm, heavenly", and waited for him to go. He continued to stand there.

You've got a great laugh.
Oh? (laughing) Thanks!
Yeah, I heard you while I was getting your drink. It's infectious.
(I keep laughing, thinking I must have been really loud)
So...I realize this is kind of inappropriate...
(I stop laughing and look at him)
But would you like to maybe go for a drink sometime?
Wha...um...what?
Yeah, just...sometime...
Um, well actually...

Then my husband walked over to the table, and the waiter took off. I figured that was the end of it.

"How's your drink?" my husband asked.
"Good! You know what just happened? The waiter..."

And then his cell phone rang. He checked the call display, it was his brother, so he looked at me, and I nodded for him to take it. (I have a real hate on for people that answer their cell during dinner, especially when they're in a restaurant.)

He headed out to the lobby, and I could see him leaning against a wall, talking.

I cast my eyes back to my drink.

Hi!
(The waiter was standing beside me again)
Oh, hi!
How's your drink?
It's great, thanks!
I apologize for earlier...
Oh, that's okay, no problem.
(I smile at him)
So what do you think? Can we get together for drinks?
Well, you know, I'm actually married....
You are?! To the guy you're here with?
Yeah, that's my husband.
Holy, I'm sorry.
Oh (laughing again) it's not a big deal. I'm flattered. Thank you.
Oh man, I feel so bad...
Really, don't worry about it!
Okay...
(I keep waiting for him to walk away)
...well, if you change your mind, I always work Friday nights.

Wow. Talk about balls.

When my husband came back to the table he was cranky about something his brother had said, so I just sat back with my drink, let him vent, and giggled to myself every time our waiter came to the table and winked at me.

I'm In the Midst of a Whole New Problem

For the last two weeks, I've been struggling with something. Something that seems to be slowly overtaking me, so that I'm having trouble focusing on anything else. It's not bad, necessarily, but it makes it difficult to go about everyday life.

It seems that I can't turn myself off. Sexually.

Laugh if you must (I totally would if I was reading this), but I am being absolutely serious.

I've always been a sexual person; never turning it down, never shying away, always up to try things, pretty much wanting it all the time...but these days, I can't turn it off! I am literally so turned on all the time, that it's hard doing everyday things.

Yesterday afternoon, for example, I took my daughter out for a ride in her stroller, and while I was walking I became acutely aware of the way my levi's were rubbing between my legs. After watching a movie last night that had a fairly forgettable sex scene, I was aching for someones hands on me. This morning while I had a shower, before I knew what was happening I was slipping my fingers down my stomach...and each time I get turned on like that, I have to take care of business.

It's funny that Button should have mentioned this last week, because it's happened about three times in the past week, without me even trying! It happened for the first time about a year ago, with a great deal of focus and concentration on my part. But since then, each time it happens seems to be a little easier, and now, apparently, it just happens at will.

I don't know if it's happening more now because I'm not having sex with TDH anymore, so my body is trying to compensate, or what. My poor husband has been jumped far more than he would normally be ready for, but still nothing seems to satiate me. The instant we're done, I want more.

I go to get groceries, I want more. I'm working, I want more. I'm talking to someone on the phone, I want more. It's never ending! And frankly, it's starting to get exhausting. Believe me, I love to be turned on, but it seems my husband, and me doing it myself, just aren't cutting it.

The only thing I can think of to possibly cure me, is a marathon fuck-fest. Perhaps to the point where I'm having trouble walking. But when your husband can't (or isn't willing to give you what you want), and you're no longer on fuck terms with your lover, what's a girl to do?

So What Do I Do Now?

Over the past week I've been struggling with what to write. Do I do another update of the TDH situation? Do I post more stories of our affair in happier times? Do I write about what I want someone to do to me? How I feel the need to be ravaged? Do I continue posting at all?

It's odd. When I started this blog I had so much to say - it all came tumbling out in this mixed up, crazy flood of information. Barely any rhyme or reason, just things I had to get out. And now? I still have so much to say, just not entirely sure how to say it, I suppose. But I think I'll stick around. I just need to figure out how I want to fit in now, and how Kate is going to stage her "comeback" so to speak :)

For today though? Just a random list of snippets, to keep you up to speed.

1. I've gone back to bare kitty. In fact, I did it a couple days before the affair ended. And this is how I'm going to stay; silky smooth.

2. The comments on my last post were much appreciated. I know it probably isn't *completely* over, but I'm trying.

3. I realize I'm probably delusional to keep thinking we can remain friends, but he's one of my best. I love him.

4. That being said, we've seen each other about 3 times over the past week, and so far it's all been talk - talk about dirty things, and love without actually saying love.

5. All the dirty talk has been from him. He's also the one who keeps finding ways for us to touch.

6. Yesterday we were alone in a car, on the highway, for two hours. I kept my hands to myself, and he kept reaching out to touch a "hot zone" on my thigh.

7. Does anyone else think that maybe it's him that's not ready to let go?

8. I apologize for my lack of commenting on other blogs lately. Bad Kate! I'll be better, I promise.

The Week and a Half Update

*This post is erratic, and a bit sloppy. There are also little snippets of conversations everywhere. I apologize, but there are thoughts and feelings whipping around my brain at breakneck speed.

Since the first couple days, where we texted back and forth, and talked on the phone a couple times, we've been fairly quiet towards each other. Quiet, I suppose, compared to the literal 100 or so texts we would send each other every day while we were still having the affair. Our texts and phone calls have been innocent, just regular chit-chat.

Then yesterday he sent me a dirty text, right out of the blue. I played innocent, answering back to what he asked, and he came back with "You are far from innocent missy!" I texted back saying I had no idea what he was talking about, and didn't give anything more. Twenty minutes later he texted me again, "What are you wearing?"

Oh boy. I was working from home yesterday. Thus, wasn't wearing much. I texted him back "pink lace tank, and white panties with pink lace around the legs," which was the truth. His response? "Innocent my ass!!! Is the tank new? Damn...I wish I could see you in it..."

So these texts went back and forth, me never saying anything particularly dirty, but him going a bit wild with the vision of what I was wearing. My only slip was when he said "Nothing makes a board meeting better than sitting here thinking about someone, and of the way their pussy feels," and I responded with "Well as long as mine enters your stream of consciousness every once in a while..."

He responded, "You know I'm only thinking of you, you're the one that I want."

Goddammitmotherfucker.

This morning I sent him a quick message, asking if he wanted to get together for coffee after work. He responded that he would love to, but it would have to be quick, since he was picking up his kid from daycare.

I got to the coffee place before him, and sent him a message telling him I was at a table, and had gotten him his usual. Of course he would have to pick a place where it seems every construction worker in the city congregates. This coffee shop is always crawling with tradesmen, and as I looked around, I realized that every table was full, and I was one of only two women in there. I sent him a quick message "Hurry your ass up! I'm getting eye fucked by half the people in here!"

Two minutes later he pulled up, and as I watched him walk from his car, I caught my breath. I hadn't realized how much I missed him. He strolled in with a grin on his gorgeous face, and I found myself grinning back like a little girl.

He sat down and we immediately started talking, about his day, about mine, about our kids. It came easily, effortlessly, as things between us always have. It wasn't awkward, or uncomfortable, but natural. When we finally stopped talking for a moment, I looked up from my coffee to find him staring at me. It was that stare that looks past my eyes, right into my soul, that sucks the breath from my body, and would have made my legs weak if I'd been standing up. "You look good, Kate, really good. Gorgeous even."

I blushed immediately, and thanked him. He looked around at all the guys seated around us, "No wonder you got eye fucked," he laughed. At one point he reached out and ran his finger down my arm, and it was all I could do not to shiver noticeably. It went on like that, us being happy and natural, till all too soon he said he had to leave to get to daycare.

As we walked out to our cars, he stopped and said "Come give me a hug." I turned towards him, and he enveloped me in his arms. As I was breathing him in, he told me I smelled amazing, and then asked if I had gotten smaller. He has always teased me about being short, but today he really did seem absolutely enormous. Finally he let me go, and asked me to call him once I got in my car.

As soon as I was driving, I called him. Again, we fell effortlessly into conversation, talking about our plans for the weekend, and the next week. Finally he said "I'm really glad you asked me to meet you Kate." To which I said "You know I always want to hang out with you, but you're so busy all the time, I hate for you to waste time with me." He answered back sternly "My time is never wasted with you! You know that! Just seeing you makes me happy, brings me back to earth - when I'm with you I don't think about anything else. I don't stress or worry about anything. All I think about is you."

Then I switched the conversation to what I was doing, since I had stopped at a mall, so I could browse while I was talking to him. He asked what I was looking at (clothes), and kept telling me to go try things on, and take pictures to send him. When I listed the colors of a particular shirt that I was looking at, he told me which color to pick, because he had always thought I looked pretty in this, or in that. He encouraged me to buy the sundress I was looking at, since he knew it would show my shoulders, which he loves.

Then he said "Hey, aren't you going to be alone this weekend? Why don't you take some pictures for me?" I thought about that for a moment, then said "What kind of pictures?" He said "Just you, in your new clothes, or...whatever." I could hear him grinning on the other end of the phone. "Well really, I can't send you anything dirty, since we're done being bad..." His response was too perfect "Well, just think, if I was to see you on a beach, I'd be seeing a lot of skin. So you can show me that much skin...and well, if you happen to have a sexy smile, or maybe you're laying in such a way that I can see a little more....then so be it!" "We'll see," I told him.

Then we slipped back into casual conversation, before he suddenly said "I didn't realize how much I missed you until I saw your face. I miss you a lot. When I walked in, and saw you...it hit me." "I know..." I whispered back, "I miss you too."

And I do miss him, immensely, but ending the affair was still the right thing to do. I can honestly say that I don't regret it, and that I haven't cried or been distraught since we decided it was done. How that is possible, I have no idea. My only guess is that it had become so complicated, and so messy, that it was a relief to say it was over.

Am I still in love with him? Oh god, yes.

Do I still want him? Oooh, yes.

Would I let it get physical again? I'm leaving that purely up to him. I won't be the one to instigate it though.

So for now, it's still over. I don't know if it will last or not. But for now at least, we're both happy, which is what we want for each other. We'll keep flirting, and joking, and seeing each other, but beyond talking about how we feel? I honestly don't know.

And As Quickly As It Began, It Was Over

I've been gone for nearly a month, so let's back up the truck a bit.

When I wrote that last post, about how confused I was, and how it was glaringly obvious that TDH was in the same boat, I was actually teetering on the edge between wanting the affair to be over, and desperately trying to hold on to it. I had begun to remove myself from the situation a little, and try to see it in it's entirety, instead of just the little part I was trying to hold on to. Once I did that, I realized that I didn't like what I was seeing.

I'm a confident person. Not arrogant or high on myself, but sure of myself, my abilities, and my mindset. When I pulled back from the affair a little, I realized that I was losing myself in it. I was becoming timid, and unsure, and clinging to something that just wasn't meant to be.

And crazy as it may seem, someone that I've just "met" really put it into perspective for me when in an email, he said: You deserve better. Think about why you started seeing him in the first place--he was giving you what you needed. Ask yourself: is he still?

The answer was no. He wasn't, and therefore neither was the affair.

There are two reasons I was holding on to something that in my heart of hearts, I knew was doomed - I love him, and I was scared that ending the affair would mean I would lose him completely. Because beyond our affair, we were great friends, and still were - and that was just something I wasn't willing to risk.

Two weeks ago he sent me a text - it said "We need to talk. Face to face." I didn't panic or cry, I just said that sounded like a good idea to me, and when could we get together? Turns out we couldn't see each other in person for about 5 days. So I went to meet up with him feeling a little nervous, but oddly content, because I knew that soon it would be over.

As a side note - how bizarre is that? Being happy to end an affair that you actually still want to be involved in?

Anyways, we met, I jumped in his car, and we started talking. We were both happy to see each other, and began talking about anything and everything, except the affair. Forty-five minutes later I stepped out of his car, got into mine, and drove home. As I drove away I cursed myself for not ending it when I had the chance.

Later that day he sent me another text, "We still have to talk."

Talk about dragging it out.

Wednesday I called him. This is how the first minute played out:

TDH - I don't know how to start this...I guess...just...well, I've been doing some thinking...
Kate - Uh huh?
TDH - Yeah...
Kate - Go on.
TDH - Well...I think the affair portion of our relationship has to be over. (Then he started talking really fast.) You know I love you, but I've been thinking about my relationship with my wife, and I really want to make it work with her. And it's been really hard, trying to be fair to you when I'm trying to make it work with her, and I...
Kate - I completely agree with you.
TDH - (shocked silence)
Kate - Hello?
TDH - You...you do?
Kate - Yeah. This is just getting too hard. I love you, but this relationship is making me crazy. I'm not even myself anymore.
TDH - Wow.
Kate - What?
TDH - This is just...so much easier than I thought it was going to be!
Kate - Well to tell you the truth, I was hoping it would have been over a couple weeks ago, but I just couldn't make myself do it, because I was scared of losing you completely.
TDH - I know! I never want to be without you Kate, you know that, but for now I need to focus on my marriage.
Kate - I get that, don't worry! This is what I want too.
TDH - So when can we hang out? I miss seeing you.

And since that day, which was 6 days ago, we've talked on the phone and over text, and it's amazing how much happier we both are. I'm not worried about slipping back into the affair, because we were both ready for it to be over. Though I must confess, over the rest of our "break-up" talk, he made it perfectly clear that should his relationship with his wife not work out, he would be knocking at my door.


So now I'm happy...and content, and at peace, and delighted that we're in a good place. I love him, and will continue to, but for now, we're where we should be.