TDH was always so careful about everything - removing the history from any computer he was ever on, clearing every voicemail and text from his phone before he got home, having some excuse for why he was staying up long after his wife went to bed. He was meticulous about it to the point of annoyance.
I, on the other hand, was the epitome of dumb girl. I saved certain text messages that made my heart flutter, I had a little envelope of notes and doodles he'd randomly left on my desk when we worked together, I kept every email he'd ever sent that was beyond a "Hey, how's it going?" Of course, since we've gotten caught I'm much more careful, but still, the giddy 15 year old inside me keeps me from getting rid of everything.
The funny thing about it all, is that he's the one that got us caught. He left one message I'd sent him earlier in the day in his facebook account, and his wife found it. He didn't even know she knew his password - but somehow she'd figured it out, and that one stupid fucking message I'd written was the only thing that was in his inbox. The message left nothing to the imagination. I'd recounted the earlier events of the day in it, leaving no doubt as to what was going on between us.
She told him she was leaving him. I was out of town. He told her they needed to work it out for their child. He emailed me.
He sent me the most heartless, cold, dismissing email I'd ever received.
He spoke nothing of what we had, the love we shared, what we meant to each other - just a long, chilling message where he said he'd confessed everything to his wife, and that she meant more to him than anyone else in his life, and she wasn't worth risking for any other woman, so that we were to have no further contact. He signed it with his first and last name.
When I got that email, I read it once, turned off the computer, turned off my cell phone, and got into bed. I had a 20 minute panic attack thinking that she was going to email or call SH and tell him what had been going on, but I shoved it to the back of my mind and went to sleep. The next 6 days were void of emotion, except towards DD. She was the only thing that got a reaction out of me. Thank god SH was out of town, or who knows what would have happened if he'd asked me what was wrong.
So on the evening of that 6th day, I had put DD to bed, and was laying in bed, staring at the wall when I started to cry. I cried and cried and cried. Like someone had just killed my best friend. I cried because it was over, because I would never see him again, because she had found out. But the part that I was most distraught over was because of the way he dismissed me. Like I meant nothing to him. Like I was nothing but a lay and someone to talk to. That was the part that broke my heart.
The next day when I woke up the hurt was gone, and instead I was filled with rage. Rage for what that arrogant prick had done to my mind and heart. What kind of cold hearted bastard gets rid of his mistress of a year and half like that?
I spent that day fuming, unable to wrap my head around what had happened. But that evening I started to think...I knew this man. Really knew him. I just couldn't believe that he would kick me to the curb in such an appalling way. But as I sat there tormenting myself, it dawned on me - he had written the email for her. He had written it because she was going to read it before he sent it - to make sure he made the right point, to let me know that he wasn't mine for the taking, and to make sure I was out of his life for good.
That realization brought me right back to sadness. Because I knew that even if it was really over, deep down I knew that he would never write those things unless he had no other choice.
The night before I came back to town I turned on my cell phone. There were 6 voicemails and 12 text messages. I deleted them all without even reading them. When I got home the next day I checked my "secret" email account (he had a matching one), and there was a one line email, it read: I'm sorry. I have to talk to you. Please. I'm so sorry.
I sent back one line telling him the hours SH would be gone the next day.
He sent back: This whole things hurts me so much, it literally makes me sick to my stomach. And even though I'm supposed to be tough, I've cried - several times. I will tell you everything tomorrow. I'm so sorry. Please don't hate me.
...to be continued...