Sunday, January 31, 2010

The Email

This is what was waiting for me that day...

So it's been almost 2 months since you've talked to me - and even before that - for the last while - when we talked your level of interest in what I had to say seemed pretty low. I was realizing that you may in fact be losing interest in me altogether and that the hassles of even talking to me were possibly getting to the point of not being worth it.
One day after a particularly brief and one sided conversation I realized, wow, I'm taking a lot of risk here for someone that doesn't seem to want to put any effort into continued communication. So... I decided to slow the communication down from my end to see what happened. You once told me that if I stopped talking to you, you would find a way to contact me... and that you'd never let me slip away... that didn't happen.... My g-mail sat empty for possibly the longest 2 months of my life as I waited patiently and with extreme hope that I was wrong. I checked my inbox daily hoping to get a message from you at least questioning the lack of contact...at least expressing concern as to why I had possibly stopped communication. Nothing.
So here I am... 2 months later, realizing and coming to terms with the fact that you really did not care about me, or our relationship as much as I'd thought you did. I don't know when you decided that you would only continue it if I did all the work. I don't know when you decided to give up on something I risked so much for... I don't know a lot of things. What I do know is that realizing more and more as the days went on that your attitude towards us (at least to the outside) was actually pretty selfish, cut me deep.
I guess the reason I'm finally writing this is because if our relationship is actually officially over - which is how it seems at least from here -then it should have an official end. I guess that's how things are done right? or do people just go their separate ways and avoid all contact once things collapse??
Just know this Kate... You meant a lot to me... you still do. You were a major and very significant part of my life. I will never forget you. The wound that was created by your lack of effort to make any contact as days turned to weeks will take time to heal... a long time. I'm guessing 10 years from now I'll still wonder on almost a daily basis how you're doing. I'll wonder what could have been if only you'd sent me one e-mail asking me"hey, whats up!?" Even just a simple "?"- I also completely understand that these wounds I now carry are partially self inflicted... I did after all decide to put a stop to my texts for a bit. I just never in a million years suspected you'd just roll with it and take it in stride. I would have bet money you cared enough about our relationship to at least see what was up. But nope... I guess I'm not always right after all!
So, at least according to twitter/blogger you seem to be doing well. It seems your work situation has improved somewhat.. and you seem to be having fun on the"road of life" so to say. I'm sorry that I'm not part of it. Sorry also to have thought you really wanted me to be part of it...
Hm... so what's the point of this e-mail? - I don't know. Perhaps to let you know what I've been feeling. To give you answers? To apologize for playing games? - Perhaps the "chick" inside me (that we've always joked about) needed to write this as some sort of closure? perhaps I was hoping for hope? Who knows... whatever my subconscious intentions where, here it is... all laid out for you to do with as you please.
I have always and will always love you Kate. I will always remember you with a smile on my face. I will always remember your smile, your laugh, your wit, your mind... all of that. You are an amazing woman. Hope others in your life get the honor of seeing in you what I saw.

What would you do with an email like this?

9 comments:

Married Lesbian Mom said...

Being that I was in this situation myself for years...let him go. If you guys have no intention of leaving your spouses for one another anytime soon please let this relationship go. I know you feel some sport of relief when not dealing with the whole thing. I am only guessing that it probably causes you more pain then enjoyment. Let your marriages take their natural course and if they fail let them fail because you gave it your all and it didn't work out. I know this sounds so cliche but if it is meant to be it will be.

Krazy said...

I don't think you want to know what I would do. Well, I guess you know what I would do...

I want to know what you did!

Topaz said...

Glad to see you're alive and kickin! And that email seems like the beginnings of some intense reactions...

Southern Swinger said...

I'm not real sure I can know exactly what is going on here but it sounds like some real head game stuff. What I do think is that a face to face meeting to communicate what each of you want to do is needed. And if you have this meeting keep your cloths on. It is hard to think in a rationale way when your are naked

Me said...

I'm new to your blog and just signed up as a follower. I just started my own as well and have found it very therapeutic to write it out to analyze (although I'm definitely not a writer by nature!) I just got done reading through much of your archived posts and am shocked by his email - wow - so anxious to hear if you responded and what your thoughts are.

Carrie Oakie said...

I'd write him back. And I'd mention that this relationship that meant so much to him, came to an end when he decided to experiment and cut back on the communication. And that if it had bothered him so, why follow me in secret for 2 months? why now are you speaking up?

And then, here's the important part: DO NOT SEND. Don't even put his email in the email line. Just write the body. Keep it if you like, but definitely do not send it. If you're doing just fine without him (only you really know this) you'll continue to do fine.

*hands over two pennies* :-)

sunslover said...

im more for the give it a chance .Men dont often open up their hearts and admit mistakes ,if he means to you what you obviously meant to him go for it.we all do daft things in relationships when we doubt our loved ones feelings.I know this is an affair but they can be full of real true feelings too , good luck xx

Maxie said...

Hey sweetie. Just checking in to see if you're doing ok.

A Husband's Tale of Infidelity said...

This is why people should just be honest about how they feel. You both had feelings for each other but assumed the other didn't. Such a waste. I hope whatever you decided, it worked out for the best.