Sunday, May 24, 2009

To Steal a Lyric From Madonna...

...I fall deeper and deeper the further I go.

For all of you that have been where I am, and knew better, I guess I've learned my lesson. TDH and I are back in the thick of things - why didn't I listen to all you smart people? LOL.

So we decided to call it quits at the beginning of March. I think that lasted about a month? Somewhere around there? I don't even remember.

We were doing pretty well, seeing each other once or twice a week, always in a public place, so that we'd have to at least try and behave. Nothing physical happened during that time, besides the hug we would always give each other when we were saying goodbye.

Then one afternoon he called me spur of the moment and said he was going to be in my part of the city, and could I meet for coffee? It just so happened that I had a couple hours free that afternoon, so I jumped in my car and headed to meet him. We spent nearly two hours grinning at each other, flirting, talking about anything and everything, then headed out to our respective cars to head home. Just when I was turning to hug goodbye, he asked if he could jump in my car with me for a moment, so we could get out of the snow. I said sure, and we jumped in where I cranked the heat.

He asked me to give him a hug, which I did. Then we chit-chatted for a moment, then he asked for another hug - this time he held me a little longer, and I could feel his face turn to bury his nose in my hair, and inhale my perfume. I pulled away and said "Hey! You're not supposed to be doing that!" in a mock-scolding voice. He told me he knew that, and that he was sorry. And then I reminded him that it was him who always decided what we were doing was wrong, not me, and that I was just trying to help him stick to his decision.

He grinned at me, and we started talking again. Soon he said he had to go, and leaned forward to hug me one more time. But instead, he took my face in his hands, pulled me close to him, and gave me the softest, most knee-buckling kiss I've ever received. When he pulled away, he said "Thanks for coming to meet me! You should call me once I'm in my car."

Would you believe that I was actually sitting there with my mouth open? I thought that kind of shock only happened in the movies, but I literally couldn't do anything but stare after him. It took me a couple minutes to blink, close my mouth, and realize that it was time to drive home.

I vaguely remember calling him and asking what the hell that had been about, when he said "I don't know. I was just sitting across from you today, and wondering how one person could be so beautiful, and I just couldn't help myself."

Well. Alright then.

That one kiss led to a tirade of dirty pictures being send back and forth, but past that, and the occasional kiss or quick cop-a-feel, we didn't physically go any farther.

We had more than one conversation in person and over messenger where I asked him if he knew what he was doing. I repeatedly asked him if I decided to cut him from my life, if he'd be able to get over me. I know him, and I know that it's only a matter of time before his guilt starts to bother him again, and then things will get weird, and then I'll be know, that old vicious circle. I just keep thinking, maybe if we cut if off completely, he'll be able to move on, and I can quit being the cause of so much of his stress.

But I finally quit suggesting it after every time I brought it up I was met with panic and pleading and confessions that no matter how much I cut myself off from him, he would still be in love with me.

I must say though, this time around things seem to be better. I'm trying to be more relaxed about it all. We've all but cut out our "I love you's", as they've been replaced with "I like you's", which, to both of us, means love anyways. We once had a conversation about the whole like/love topic, and we both decided that while you may love people, you don't necessarily have to love them, so that when you say like, you mean much more. Our convoluted thought process is fucked, what can I say?

We've had a discussion about him talking about his wife, and though I said that I'll listen when he feels the need to talk about her - as I talk about SH once in a while - sometimes I'm just not up for it.

It's funny - maybe that break was what we needed. Since we've had it, he seems to be the one who can't get enough, who misses me almost instantly, who impatiently waits for me to call him every day, who is always wanting more, more, more. And I do feel that way, I'm just trying to keep it more reigned in this time - it makes a girl feel good to be wanted :)


Topaz said...

Firstly, good to hear from you!
Secondly, this can be a slippery slope (as I've said about myself). I'm back where you guys were in March, trying to determine if I need to end things. After reading this post, I can see that 'ending' may be futile, and changing my interaction without making a solid decision between us?
Oh I don't know, I'm ranting, searching for answers. I do hope it's better for you this go 'round...

Krazy said...

You have no idea how much I can relate to your post. T and I broke up today, well... he broke up with me because he is scared of being caught and afraid of falling deeper in love with me (like he can help it).

We do say I like you a lot, and to us it means the same it means for you two. It's not something you are just saying, you really mean it!

I am glad you two are back together and finding a happier place. It's good to have you back!

MizChievous said...

Honestly Kate, I don't even know how to go about ending this thing with MM that's so deep, so passionate, something that I've never experienced before sooo....I'm where you are and trying to accept things as they are. Keyword: trying lol. Hey, as long as everyone's happy, right?!

Anonymous said...

"So...did you die, or are we just left hanging?" --The Whale